An open letter to kinship and foster parents and group care staff

Dear___[your first name here]____,

I see how hard you are working to not lose your cool. I hear that you have lost your cool. I know how hard that first week was: How much school work needs to get done? How can you get more vitamin-rich food into your picky eaters? How can you find a minute to grab a shower? How do you explain Coronavirus and Pandemic to a child who suddenly lost their family visit this week? What about all  those field trips and outings that were planned? How does video technology work and what device can be used?

How do keep the group home clean when there is a 13 yo AWOL'ing every night and returning every morning? How do you keep up with the changing demands when the routines of your group home were turned upside down literally overnight. You have staff away sick and your throat feels scratchy and the new cleaning regime is a full-time job to itself. How will you get through this?

And that's on top of you trying to make meaning out of the things you suddenly just lost because we landed in the Age of Physical Distancing and also support other important people in your life.

As many of you are aware, scared and stressed adults scare children. The sense of safety for all of us is compromised by the pandemic. You are now in the unique situation of being The Central Adult who these scared and stressed children are looking to as a way to figure out how to respond. Even though the service team of case managers, family wellness workers, youth workers and therapists are here for you, it's suddenly only over the phone or by video call. I know it's not really enough.  

The children and youth we work with are highly sensitive to stress from adults in their environment and of course, that translates to their own nervous system acting in fight/ flight or collapse. Co-regulation depends on the adult finding their calm response and setting that tone with the child.

One of the most effective things caregivers can do is take two minutes to sit, close your eyes, breathe a few deep breaths and bring the activation of your own nervous system down some. 

Consider implementing a morning routine with yoga or meditation. If you encounter resistance, set-up an option for kids to be away from the group, but close enough to observe. Young teens might buck it, but many will welcome it. These kinds of relaxing techniques provide soothing and some will benefit from it greatly and perhaps use it for the rest of their lives. 

These are unusual times indeed, but it’s hard for me not to consider that this is also our time to shine as a dominantly compassionate species. Front line caregivers are such an important and unrecognized support to these vulnerable children and youth. 

My wish for you is that you will move past the cycle of heightened response- collapse and feel your feet on the ground and be able to take a breath. 

I see how hard you are working- often understaffed and over-stressed. 

I appreciate your hard work on behalf of the kids who don’t know how to thank you.

Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you~ from all of the children and youth and from me.

Warmly, 

Heather 

One more time...

Many of my FB friends and anyone who has read more than the intro page of my website will know that I lost 100 lbs over 3 years. (Yay me!) I did it with a lot of hard work and the support of Weight Watchers. They are a great group for on-going support for healthy living. I had a lot of cheering friends and family as well, but mostly I had my own inner determination. Weight loss was a mountain I was going to climb! And I did. At my peak fitness I ran a 10k race in 63 minutes.

Well, like 97% (!!) of people who lose weight I gained some of mine back. It's been 2 years since I made my weight loss goal and I have gained back 30lbs. :-(

I like to think that I know one or two things and so I should be able to keep my weight off. I know that I dealt with the underlying issues for why I protected myself behind excess fat. I know that my intensive years of spiritual work let me shed old skins and move in to new ways of being. I know that I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. So how on earth did I slip right back into old patterns?!

I have lots of excuses. When I have listed my reasons in confession to confidants I hear that they are good reasons (ya gotta love the people who love you!). And they are good-enough excuses: DIY renovations, a sick family member, an intense University course etc. But the real reason is a layer or two deeper than that.

It's about the gravity of habit (As I learned from Ellie Hernon). For all the changes we can go through, we still have a comfortable baseline that we fall back on. We rely on the comfort of the place that is familiar. We do work on the Self and there is an elevation. From this place, we understand a bigger picture and we cultivate and create energy to move into another place. However, there is always the other pull. The weight of gravity that pulls us to the earth and to our comfortable habit and way of being.

For me, it's about accepting food in social gatherings big and small because I am enjoying the love. Its about confusing self-indulgence with self-care as I get a quiet moment to myself. It's about missing work-outs and long runs because I am a Very Very Busy Person and I don't have time for those. It's a place I lived for a lot of years and it's a familiar repetitive pattern: the worse I feel, the more I eat. The more I eat, the less I move. The less I move, the worse I feel. It feels like the Rock of Gibraltar. It's not pleasant over the long term, but it is a place I know well.

Deeper than that, it's about falling into a pattern of putting other peoples' needs ahead of my own. (Ouch, that hurts!) It's true. I am a middle child/ mother/ helping professional and my default is to help others before taking care of myself. In fact, in the moment, I can even feel a little noble about sacrificing my own needs. I will also do it with one area of my life over another. I will choose to focus so greatly on renovations or volunteer work or something else that I will neglect my own personal needs. The sacrifice becomes the excuse for the treat or the missed work out. As I write this now, that sounds weird and wrong to me, but I know it's part of my Rock that when left unchecked, I will just keep rolling up the hill.

You know what though? It doesn't work. I felt like crap. Over the last 6 months in particular, my mental state went from feeling my life was a fantastic gift full of joy and love to feeling like I couldn't handle things. And the more I felt like things were hard, the more I turned to the familiar comfort of sacrificing, eating and sitting.

I am happy to say that I this is recently past tense. After a particularly crazy summer and fall (and who am I kidding- winter, too) I am on the upswing. I am back to working out, running and yoga. I can feel the difference. I sleep better. I eat better. I enjoy my family more. I am happier!

Sure there is still the reality that when I was losing weight, it was like a part-time job. I spent a fair amount time dealing with my food and working out. I don't want to have a life where I have to spend that much time and be that focused, but I do want to do it better.

Instead of climbing Weight Loss Mountain (and apparently rolling down it again!), I want to make a new comfortable home on the mountain. I want to find the place that isn't at the pinnacle of fitness or the apex of professional achievement or even (gasp) the peak of spiritual enlightenment. I want to live on that part of the mountain that offers an integration of all these things- spirit, body and mind. I want to live in all of these aspects of my life everyday.

Here is what I think the secret to this particular spot on the mountain might be; the simplest lesson of them all: take care of your self.

Eat properly. Drink water. Get enough rest. Move your body. Have quiet time alone in your head. Have time with loved ones. Let your own needs be met. Allow yourself to care and nurture your Self- everyday.

It seems too easy to be true, doesn't it? It even feels a little disappointing to think that's it. Well, I think its one of those life truths that is easy to espouse, but remarkably difficult to achieve:

Put the rock down and walk away.

Dare to meet your needs.

Whoa!

Thanks for reading.

Heather.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. ~ Gothe

I have been talking to people lately about how they are planning for their next steps: their FUTURE. Most people work out logical plans for steps to take to get to what they want. It's a planning process that looks like this:

My goal is to have a summer home on Vancouver Island.

First step: go back to school.
Second step: get a job where I make more money.
Third step: get money to buy summer home.

So, when you ask this person: "What do you want?" Their answer is: "I want to go back to school?"

Really?

No.

What they really want is the summer home on the Island. So, why not start there? Why take these long routes around?

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it!
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
~Gothe

This is the difference between planning and manifesting. Planning has a goal and steps. Its path is seen from Point A to Point B to Point C and so on. There is no room to maneuver and wiggle and change.

Manifesting isn't a series of concrete steps. To manifest something, you hold the focus of your intent in an elevated state of consciousness (1) and then you simply let it go. That isn't to say that you do nothing toward your goal. Of course you do, but you don't hold it tight in your fist.

Imagine a child holding a beautiful butterfly. To love it intensely and try to possess it, is to kill it. To release it, is to love it with grace. This is the way to love your dream.

Here is an example from my life. I used to weigh more than 250 lbs and smoke. (Oh, so unhealthy!) I was about 18 months into doing circle work (1) and I reached a place where I was able to hold "health". What I mean by that is, I had both the state of consciousness and the focus to be a healthy person right now.

But, I was still overweight and smoked. I didn't appear any different from the outside. What had changed is that I was no longer: "the smoker" or "the fat girl." Like taking off a coat, I was able to shed those identities. Now I wore the identity of "healthy person."

I was able to shed those identities because I was living with a different state of consciousness. I was able to gather the multitude of fractured intentions within my self and hold a singular focus. From this place I was the new person: "healthy person" and from here it wasn't nearly as difficult to take that weight off. Healthy people rarely weigh that much so I didn't need all that extra padding on me now.

That was 2007. Four years later I have long since given up smoking, lost 100 lbs and I run for fun. I could never have done that if I wasn't able to wear the identity of "healthy person."


Back to the example of the summer home. If that is what you want, are you able to be that person now? Can you hold the place of "I am a person who owns a summer home on the Island."

Does that sound pompous to you?
Do you hold a belief about people who have a lot of money?
Do you hold a belief about how you are able to come to such luxurious things?
Do all rewards have to be proceeded by hard work?

Hmmmm... if you think that rich is inherently bad and that only work will lead to good things (and even then, not too good, just moderately good), how will you ever be the person who owns a summer home on the Island? You will only ever be the person who struggles to be that wealthy.

So, take a moment and think about the thing you want. The thing you truly want. Are you a person who can hold that?

And if you are: begin it! Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.

And if you are struggling under the weight of that desire, come in. This is the work we can do together.

With love,
Heather.



(1) From A Mind for Mastery (unpublished manuscript) by Ellie Hernon.
Spiritual counesling information here: http://www.pointonthepath.com/