The messy spiral of Self-growth

The spiral is a scared nature-based image. I'm using it here as a framework for understanding how we move through higher states of consciousness by revisiting core issues.

I drew a picture (below)-- my first time trying this so it's a bit rough! This is the teaching of the spiral. We start at the bottom. The first X represents that point of feeling alone or in pain related to some core issue of the Self. In previous blogs, I've described the shape and shame. This starting point is the place of this core shape/ shame issue.

We find some way of significantly moving away from this pain. We seek out some counseling or use body-based treatments; learn meditation; work on our pain through art or writing.  There is some intervention that moves us far enough away from this pain that we feel like we left it behind in some way. We may even have the relaxed experience of "ahhhh...." in the exhale of relief of our understanding. At this point in managing a core issue, we will feel like we're done. [dusts palms together] "Glad I figured that out!" (We can be a bit arrogant at this stage.)

What happens though, as you will see by reading the points on the spiral from the bottom to the top, is that we circle back into a core issue. We will feel like we're exactly where we were before-- in the pain that is represented by all the points on the left hand side of the spiral. There will be some event or interaction or relationship that will push at our core issue or move us into that shape we worked to release and we will be shocked: "How can I be here again? I solved this issue."

In fact though, we can never really return to the same point. We are always at a new place of increased consciousness and understanding Self. It will feel like a familiar misery, but it is different. The spiral shows us that we are not in a circle or a repetitive pattern if we are moving toward an increased understanding. Sure, it may feel like a continuous loop, but it likely isn't as much of one as it feels (1). Every time we circle back to the left side, we gain new understandings and insights and so move upwards toward the right. Each level of the spiral is a new level of consciousness and understanding of the Self.

Recently someone I love very much had a significant event occur. I thought I had done so much work on my own core issue: 'filling needs for others when I have my own unmet needs', but in one rug-pulled-out-from-under-me event, I felt like I was back in a place from many years ago. I couldn't see my own needs. I didn't have my own boundaries. I was a mushy mess without clarity working overtime to care for others beyond what was expected or needed.The overtime work extended beyond the person I loved and went out everywhere. I was back in my shape and reacting to the world the way I did a long time ago.

I found some trusted helpers (our own stuff is at the end of our nose; we all need trusted people to help sort it out) and I began to pull my Self back together. In the process, I was able to find my self-compassion again and s l o w down and meet my own need: to admit my struggle, show my vulnerability and express my emotions. I understood (again!) that I am the one who makes space for me. The people who love me want me to make space for my Self. It's me who, in the most pain-filled moments, will default to staying small and working on behalf of others to my detriment. I know that staying small and denying my own  needs is a form of self-harm. As much as anyone, I deserve my love, care and compassion.

This latest turn around the spiral has led me to greater understandings and allowed me to take even bigger risks in being real. This is the path. We are messy imperfect humans and it's our human experience that gives us the best material for cultivating spiritual growth. It's not about avoiding pain; it's about the transformation of that pain into greater understandings and higher levels of consciousness.

Heather.

(1) If your experience truly feels like a circle, then you are idling at the point of the first X- doing loops in one spot-and you haven't yet begun on the spiral. Your work is to find the first step to change-- come in for counseling and we'll get you on your way. You can also dig deep on your own and seek out others if things become too clouded-- but get off the circle and into greater understanding.

Labyrinths

I haven't posted in a long time. Earlier this month I had the chance to go to Maui. While I was there, I and 18 colleagues- admin staff, social workers and nurses- visited The Sacred Garden owned and operated by Eve Hogan, author of The Way of the Winding Path. What a treat!

We listened to Eve talk about the labyrinth as a metaphor for the way we lived our life and few other metaphorical stories to capture our imaginations and allow us to think in new ways. While we were there, we had a chance to walk her 11-circut labyrinth modeled after the Chartres Cathedral in France.

It was a pleasure to walk it with my fellow co-workers and it did indeed reflect a lot of what I have been feeling about my role at the clinic and allowed for an opportunity to pause in time and place and reflect.

What I want to talk about now though is the labyrinth I have busily been working on for the last several days.

 

I came home and within days went to work on a snow labyrinth in my backyard. Well if walking a labyrinth is a metaphor for how we live in the real world, I can tell you that much more so is the making of a labyrinth. 

I started out with the idea and then told Steve, my wonderful husband. He had lots of input, but wasn't rushing to make it for me. I decided it *needed* to be built and headed outside on a mild Sunday morning. I was trying to make it while being followed around by my 9-year-old twins. I love them dearly, but in a middle of this project all I could say was: "This isn't relaxing yet. This is very stressful, you need to stop talking. I'm trying to do math!" I was being completely ignored by my 11 1/2 year-old daughter. 

I marked out the pattern of where the walls would go by walking the diagram in my hand. No problem. Then I tried to invert it. I needed to make the part that was my foot tracks into walls the parts that were currently raised into paths! This might not be my thing. Did I mention that I *needed* to build the labyrinth? The design wasn't complicated, (classic 7-circuit design), but the inversion was tricky. Was I supposed to put a little wall of snow here or there? Where were the lines and where was the path going to be?

Steve sat quietly out of the way in his office until I called into the back hall and down the stairs (while the 9-year-olds were giving me advice about it all). I couldn't come in to the house too far since I was covered with snow... and determined! Steve came out and followed the drawing like a puzzle to assist me in where the walls would be. You can't tell from the picture here, but when Steve came out, I had the first wide ring of lights; then a ring of a rope; a ring of the garden hose that might have a leak; then a ring of lights that don't seem to work; then a ring of the lights that do work, but aren't plugged in.... all in an attempt to figure out where to stomp down the snow to make a path. Oh, and there were some weird blue lines in the snow made by a spray bottle with blue dye. It kept the twins busy, but I have one sink permanently stained blue.

Steve came out and helped with the end part. He solved the puzzle! It was just about a project that would have no ending (literally, since the labyrinth pattern was wrong and kept going in a never-ending circle!) Just when I thought it couldn't be built, Steve came out and declared it a working labyrinth. It all came together! I took this picture and put it on FB, declaring a success!

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Then it snowed. Then I went to walk it. 

I had made a goat path! How could I have invited people over to walk it? I could barely put one foot in front of the other in some places. It might be the most lame labyrinth of the entire arctic wintery history! This is terrible. 

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Finally a few days later I had a day off. I went out with a spade, an edger (think: for sod) and a kids size shovel (the perfect width, but a short handle). I spent two hours carving the snow and increasing the width of the paths! What a life reflection! 

First I started around the wide outside edges. No problem. Man! Am I good! People are going to come to this labyrinth walk and think I'm great. They are going to LOVE it! This is wonderful! I am wonderful! 

Then I got tired. I was really sweating under all my fleece at -15 C! What was I thinking? I shouldn't have people over. They are going to judge this, but tell me it's fine. Its not fine!

Okay, I can do this. Its hard, but really love what I'm doing. I'm SO happy to have a labyrinth in my backyard. Who cares what people think? This is fantastic. I am literally carving out my spiritual journey. I need that. My clients need that-- carving out time and space for oneself. This is important (but really hard) work that I am doing. Its so pertinent to personal development. I'm on a roll! 

I started to get REALLY tired, but I was getting closer to the middle- only three more circuits to go. I can't believe that the paths are this narrow. What was I thinking when I made this? Why would I have done such a terrible job? People won't be able to pass on this walkway. I'll do it better next year. Who am I kidding? I won't make this again. This is way too hard. I should give up now. I can't keep shoveling out these paths. They are too narrow and the snow is too powdery to stay up on the little walls. I should just go in and forget about it. 

Then I cleaned out the snow in the centre. 

I can do this. Look where I am. Who else can say that they physically created a spiritual path? Really! I HAVE A LABYRINTH! This should make the news. This is great! This is the best thing of the year! I actually did it! Do I have enough pictures? One picture won't be enough. I should take more. I wonder how I could get more lights. (ie: 'not enough' thinking- even though I had a lot!).

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Then I walked the labyrinth. I went inside first actually. I took a shower, changed and ate lunch. I felt rejuvenated. I went out to visit my new-and-improved-paths. I walked along the outside edges and I walked along the inside edges listening to mediation music on my phone. I felt satisfied. I kept thinking about who else would come and walk this labyrinth before it melted? How much joy could the labyrinth mete out before it was gone and the girls' trampoline was in its place? Nothing lasts forever, but I will enjoy this while I can. Holy cow! I am SO lucky!

I came to the middle of the labyrinth and paused with a deep breath. I felt the brightness of the sun on my face. And I felt the cold wind on my cheeks. It was still -15 and now it felt like it. 

"I have arrived!",  I thought.

"I am surrounded by the warmth and beauty of my family and my home and my yard."

"I am grateful for all that I have."

"I am enough. 

I have enough.

I do enough."

Ahhh.... Enough. Is there a better word in the English language? 

Now its time to go in and make supper. 

No pretense. No self-doubt. No judgement. Just living to live. Just walking the sacred path because it is carved. Feeling satisfied. It is carved because I chose it to be. How lucky am I? SO lucky! This will only stay a short while and I will appreciate every minute of it. I promise. :-)

With love,

Heather.

Generosity, Compassion and Boundaries

I have been thinking lately about how much we give as helpers. By helpers I include: all helping professions, mothers and likely most women and some men. (!) I think that as 'a kind of person', you can identify people you know who are helpers. They are their own type. It's not that each of us can't give, its just some us are more inclined and thus some of us are more called on.  'A giver' or 'a helper' is a kind of person in that way.

There is a woman I know who is the most generous person you will ever meet. She will pay for dinner and drive you home after. She isn't a push over and in fact, if you are out of line by her way of thinking, she will call you on it and with passion! She truly understands difficulty and pain and so she strives to minimize that for those around her. She lives in abundance and so she gives from that abundance.

Brene Brown (you know I have a little social work crush on her, right?) says her interviews with people who she labels "the wholehearted" demonstrate that the most compassionate people also have the clearest boundaries.

Hmmm. 

The most compassionate people have the clearest boundaries. 

Interesting.

I give. I am a giver. I am much better at boundaries than I used to be. I would like to think that I am much better at identifying when I have given too much. In a professional situation it seems clearer to me than in a personal situation. With my family of origin, close friends or my children now, how do I know when I have given too much? Surely there must be a way to know before the feeling of resentment starts to creep in, right?

Well, in my experience a boundary is always clear the moment after I have crossed it. I can always look back and say: "Whoa! Hold on! This has gone too far and you are asking too much!" (Or is it that I have offered too much?) The difficulty is in recognizing the boundary *before* I cross it.

Back to my ultra-generous friend. Does she give too much? No, I don't think so. And this why: She gives from a place of compassion. She knows heartache and she feels deeply for others. She feels great compassion for others- clients, the staff with whom she works and friends and family. She gives generously from her heart, BUT she won't give more than she wants to give and she expects little in return. She is like a mama bird who wants to take care of her young. She gives with little expectation and she knows when to stop. She knows where she ends and another begins.

I know that for me when I am connected to someone- as a family member or friend or in the brief time of sitting together as a counselor/ client (or as I like to call it: human/ human)- I give all that I am. When I am at my best, I am open to what the person across from me is saying and I am present in the moment.

I can open my self up to another in a way I would describe as compassion: 

I feel you. 

Or in the words of Neytiri in Avatar: 

I see you.

To me, "I see you" is to say: I know who you are at a depth I cannot describe with words. I relate to you from a place of soulful understanding. I may not completely know the situation you are describing, but I relate to the feeling and I will share with you in that feeling. I will be with you as you go through the most difficult feelings- shame, disappointment, grief, sorrow and anger.

To me that is the essence of connection. It is to be with you. To feel you. To see you.

However, I know that it's equally important to know where I stop and when I must stop.I cannot live for another. I cannot be all to another.That includes my parents, siblings, partner and children. However, when I am whole within myself and able to identify those boundaries for myself, that is when I am most able to reach out and show compassion.

It makes sense really. I can give from me only when I know me.

Thoughts? Feel free to leave comments. :-)


Heather.