Oh this labyrinth!

Oh this labyrinth! Oh this labyrinth!

The words must be written twice!

I love it. I hate it. I mourn that its going to melt even though we are months away from the threat of higher temperatures.

I worked to make the patterns (you already read that post). I had SO much help from my husband and kids (same post) and now the beautiful pattern sits there. Because I have more to do in the world than simply walk the labyrinth and write about the insights I have gained from it, I often am required to just walk past it. I am leaving to go to work. I walk past it when I come home feeling world-weary. I rush past it to run an errand and home again with my arms full.

It, the labyrinth, simply stays put.... and looks at me. Observing me as I am meant to observe it. I want to yell: Stop looking at me!!

It simply stays. Lit up beautifully (now) with lights all over- except one part of one outer loop. It's perfect the way it is. I love it. A perfect spiritual path just staying there. Waiting. Looking. Mocking, almost. 


What a metaphor! Or as I like to call them now: effin-metaphors!

My spiritual path lies in wait for my own body and mind to settle in to it's direction. No judgement (Yeah, okay I'll admit it: the judgement is mostly all mine and not the labyrinth's per se.) And as I am busy in the to-and-fro of life, spirit stays steadfast and waiting until it is called upon.

I LOVE my labyrinth. I love, adore, honor and cherish it. I have developed a strange attachment to something that is made out of small snow mountains and Christmas lights. I check on it before bed. I relish, with a warmth in my chest, when I look out at it from the bedroom window. I love it because it stays. Like a dog waiting with a wagging tail. It's there for me when I am coming and going. (The loyalty of spirit should not be compared to a snow path or a dog, but there it is.)

I HATE my labyrinth. It is mocking me. Calling me. Telling me how inadequate my attention to spirit and inward reflection really is. It shows me every day that I'm out of balance and how ridiculous I am for not simply choosing... simply choosing... to step on to the spiritual track and allow myself to breathe out my anxiety and breathe in my calm knowing my self and self worth. What's it take? 10-15 minutes? I can't find those few minutes to reorient to spirit and my authentic/ aligned self?

I HATE the way it simple sits there like it knows it all.Sometimes I want to stick my tongue out at the dummy-know-it-all-labyrinth. 



10:30 pm.

I walk my labyrinth. I'm putting on my boots near the back door and I'm mumbling under my breath: "Well, I guess I better walk the stupid thing." and I'm out the door with my ear buds in and my phone in my coat pocket. The music helps set a calming tone and drown out the naysayer doubts in my head.


I walk in: "I'll find spiritual comfort in 15 minutes and head back inside. Here we go. Let's do this thing."

I keep walking. "Ahh... breathing. Letting go. Easing in. Leaning in. I really *do* love my labyrinth. Forgive me for all my negative thoughts."

I finally reach the centre.

The neighborhood dogs stop barking. The music, with the labyrinth, have been talking on their own. They tell me a forgotten story about love and unconditional value and connections with all things on earth and in the stars. I remember. Did you think I could have forgotten?! (I had forgotten, but I won't admit it.)

I inhale and face South. Inhale- West. Again-inhale- north. Inhale.... East. I stand again toward the North and remind my self that this forgotten story is not that old nor that forgotten. This is the place of my own self--- truly "MY divinity in MY own backyard". How on earth or in heaven can you forget your own divinity in your own backyard? And yet I do. Multiple times. Over and over again. 

(Gawd damn effin' labyrinth.)


I walk out. I let go some more. I feel my shoulders come down from their place of standing guard around my ears. I know I am loved. I know (even more so) I am loveable.

I keep walking out. " Ahh...breathing. Letting go. Easing within. Allowing." I know this place: I love you. I love me. I could write a book about the heavens and the stars and our place on earth and the meaning of love and truth and light. Why would I ever doubt it? Why don't I stay home and walk this labyrinth all the time- like three times a day? And write the book because I know it all. I understand the all the answers to all the big questions.

I reach the exit. I turn and face the labyrinth. I stand in awe at my own transformation.

Again.

I bow my head and whisper: thank-you. thank-you.

I don't know exactly to whom I say thank-you: my spirit guides and friends? Yes. My own self? It's my creation. My family? Because without them I wouldn't know how wonderful it could truly be?

Yes. That's who. All of them and me.


I miss my labyrinth.

I mourn you already. I'll miss you when the sun is warmer and the snow walls are melting. I'll have rings of Christmas lights in the brown grass before I give you up.

I'll find you in other places, I know. Spirit is not only in this snow-path and only right here. But right now I feel like a child who knows the vacation days are numbered. I need to eke out of you all the wonder that I can.

Winters are long, but this year won't be quite long enough for me.

Let me take that as a metaphor for this life and eke out of it-- my 80 years or more, I hope-- all the wonder that I can. Let me remember, that somewhere inside of me, I know love and spirit so well that I could write a book. Let me remember that all of this is as close as my own 'backyard'. It's all right there and waiting for me to choose to reorient to that place.

This is the gift of my labyrinth.

Oh this labyrinth!

:-) With a knowing love,
Heather. 

It's the end of the world...and I feel fine!

We have been celebrating winter solstice-December 21st, the shortest day of the year- as a nuclear family for many years now. Its a quiet day just for us and we leave December 25th for my parents' traditions and extended family.

This year is a little different- we built a labyrinth in the backyard. I love it. I walk past every time I leave the house for the car and every time I come home again. My metaphorical spiritual path is much more in my awareness when my physical representation is right there all the time!

So, partly with those thoughts, I started reading 'the stuff' about December 21st. In 2012.

It's the end of the world! It's the second coming! It's when earthlings will make contact with aliens! And if we live through all of those predictions, it's the beginning of a New Era.

I suppose my reading should have, at best left me jaded and, at worst left me fearful or scared, but it did neither. I feel FINE! In fact, I feel ELATED! What a relief! Maybe we can get past the end of the world language. Maybe we can move past it and into whatever this New Era will be.



I was born in 1971. For as long as I can remember the world was ending. I grew up with the Cold War and then the beginning popularity of environmental awareness- the end of CFCs (who knew my big hair in the 1980's/ hairspray was killing the earth?) and the beginning of popular recycling and various environmental reforms.

But... before we had time to collect ourselves, everyone was carrying on about Y2K. The world was ending because the digital world we created wouldn't be able to cope. We lived past the clicking dial of December 31, 1999 and so did our ATM machines and PCs. We saw January 1st, 2000 and so did our extra supplies of bottled water and canned food.

I know we are hardly past the threats to the earth. I know that threat of the escalation of conflict (used to be called war) and the threat to the environment exist in this moment while I'm writing. In both areas things have not come far enough fast enough and threat is still there. I don't minimize the important issues that require attention and advocacy, but I don't think that they are likely to kill us by any instant dramatic means either.


And so there is something about the anticipation of December 21,2012 that leaves me relieved and hopeful.

At the very worst anything bad will have happened and we'll be dealing with it. At the best, the sun will rise on the 22nd and things will look relatively the same (most likely scenario!). The governance model of the planet won't have changed. We won't be ruled by aliens. And we won't have disappeared- wafting away in smoke as the last day of the Mayan calendar has passed.

What will have happened is simply that we will have survived another numerical designation of our doom. Will the problems all be solved? Of course not. However, we will have arrived at another important milestone in our collective human history. We will have lived to say: "I survived the end of the world."


I'm elated, perhaps in part, from ignorance. I don't know of any other markers coming in my lifetime that are predicting the death of all humanity as we know it. The December 21, 2012 prediction was a bit of a left over from the turn of the Century in my view. We made it through. That's it people. Now it's time to just live.

Stop worrying about who will be judged and who will be condemned. Stop worrying about eternal hell or being made a martyr or a saint on Earth. It will be time to move ahead. Into the New Era? I hope so.


I'm also elated because it brings all those bits and pieces in my own life back into perspective. Who the hell cares what is clean in the house and what is not if the world is ending?

Q: What's important if I have only 2 weeks to live *as-I-am-now*?

A:  Love.
     Being enough.
     Knowing that I am, and all the people I love are... Enough.

There are no children that need teaching, molding, changing. There is no husband who needs to hear me or do this or that. There are no imperfect relationships in my life. And really everything else is just non-sense.

If it's the end of the world as I know it? Well, I feel fine.

Let's start anew. If you're still here on December 22nd and things are pretty much as they are now, consider committing to these ideas:

1. There is nothing that needs to change in my life.

2. I love who I am and where I am at even though it's imperfect, messy and not exactly like a picture from a magazine/ movie/ Facebook.

3.  I will share with the people around me the authentic person that I am and not some image of the person I think they will accept.

4.  I will accept *all* people around me as they are and love them for their effort without judging them for not being the image I want them/ need them to be.

If that brings us to a New Era, one that will be seen 2000 years from now as turning point past the domination of individualistic thinking and one that begins radical self-acceptance and community-oriented thinking, that's the best 'end-of-the-world' gift I can imagine.

Because it is only when I consider myself, others and my planet with acceptance and compassion that I can truly influence anyone or anything. 

Whew. Truth! Let's move on, shall we?

Labyrinths

I haven't posted in a long time. Earlier this month I had the chance to go to Maui. While I was there, I and 18 colleagues- admin staff, social workers and nurses- visited The Sacred Garden owned and operated by Eve Hogan, author of The Way of the Winding Path. What a treat!

We listened to Eve talk about the labyrinth as a metaphor for the way we lived our life and few other metaphorical stories to capture our imaginations and allow us to think in new ways. While we were there, we had a chance to walk her 11-circut labyrinth modeled after the Chartres Cathedral in France.

It was a pleasure to walk it with my fellow co-workers and it did indeed reflect a lot of what I have been feeling about my role at the clinic and allowed for an opportunity to pause in time and place and reflect.

What I want to talk about now though is the labyrinth I have busily been working on for the last several days.

 

I came home and within days went to work on a snow labyrinth in my backyard. Well if walking a labyrinth is a metaphor for how we live in the real world, I can tell you that much more so is the making of a labyrinth. 

I started out with the idea and then told Steve, my wonderful husband. He had lots of input, but wasn't rushing to make it for me. I decided it *needed* to be built and headed outside on a mild Sunday morning. I was trying to make it while being followed around by my 9-year-old twins. I love them dearly, but in a middle of this project all I could say was: "This isn't relaxing yet. This is very stressful, you need to stop talking. I'm trying to do math!" I was being completely ignored by my 11 1/2 year-old daughter. 

I marked out the pattern of where the walls would go by walking the diagram in my hand. No problem. Then I tried to invert it. I needed to make the part that was my foot tracks into walls the parts that were currently raised into paths! This might not be my thing. Did I mention that I *needed* to build the labyrinth? The design wasn't complicated, (classic 7-circuit design), but the inversion was tricky. Was I supposed to put a little wall of snow here or there? Where were the lines and where was the path going to be?

Steve sat quietly out of the way in his office until I called into the back hall and down the stairs (while the 9-year-olds were giving me advice about it all). I couldn't come in to the house too far since I was covered with snow... and determined! Steve came out and followed the drawing like a puzzle to assist me in where the walls would be. You can't tell from the picture here, but when Steve came out, I had the first wide ring of lights; then a ring of a rope; a ring of the garden hose that might have a leak; then a ring of lights that don't seem to work; then a ring of the lights that do work, but aren't plugged in.... all in an attempt to figure out where to stomp down the snow to make a path. Oh, and there were some weird blue lines in the snow made by a spray bottle with blue dye. It kept the twins busy, but I have one sink permanently stained blue.

Steve came out and helped with the end part. He solved the puzzle! It was just about a project that would have no ending (literally, since the labyrinth pattern was wrong and kept going in a never-ending circle!) Just when I thought it couldn't be built, Steve came out and declared it a working labyrinth. It all came together! I took this picture and put it on FB, declaring a success!

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Then it snowed. Then I went to walk it. 

I had made a goat path! How could I have invited people over to walk it? I could barely put one foot in front of the other in some places. It might be the most lame labyrinth of the entire arctic wintery history! This is terrible. 

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Finally a few days later I had a day off. I went out with a spade, an edger (think: for sod) and a kids size shovel (the perfect width, but a short handle). I spent two hours carving the snow and increasing the width of the paths! What a life reflection! 

First I started around the wide outside edges. No problem. Man! Am I good! People are going to come to this labyrinth walk and think I'm great. They are going to LOVE it! This is wonderful! I am wonderful! 

Then I got tired. I was really sweating under all my fleece at -15 C! What was I thinking? I shouldn't have people over. They are going to judge this, but tell me it's fine. Its not fine!

Okay, I can do this. Its hard, but really love what I'm doing. I'm SO happy to have a labyrinth in my backyard. Who cares what people think? This is fantastic. I am literally carving out my spiritual journey. I need that. My clients need that-- carving out time and space for oneself. This is important (but really hard) work that I am doing. Its so pertinent to personal development. I'm on a roll! 

I started to get REALLY tired, but I was getting closer to the middle- only three more circuits to go. I can't believe that the paths are this narrow. What was I thinking when I made this? Why would I have done such a terrible job? People won't be able to pass on this walkway. I'll do it better next year. Who am I kidding? I won't make this again. This is way too hard. I should give up now. I can't keep shoveling out these paths. They are too narrow and the snow is too powdery to stay up on the little walls. I should just go in and forget about it. 

Then I cleaned out the snow in the centre. 

I can do this. Look where I am. Who else can say that they physically created a spiritual path? Really! I HAVE A LABYRINTH! This should make the news. This is great! This is the best thing of the year! I actually did it! Do I have enough pictures? One picture won't be enough. I should take more. I wonder how I could get more lights. (ie: 'not enough' thinking- even though I had a lot!).

*******************************

Then I walked the labyrinth. I went inside first actually. I took a shower, changed and ate lunch. I felt rejuvenated. I went out to visit my new-and-improved-paths. I walked along the outside edges and I walked along the inside edges listening to mediation music on my phone. I felt satisfied. I kept thinking about who else would come and walk this labyrinth before it melted? How much joy could the labyrinth mete out before it was gone and the girls' trampoline was in its place? Nothing lasts forever, but I will enjoy this while I can. Holy cow! I am SO lucky!

I came to the middle of the labyrinth and paused with a deep breath. I felt the brightness of the sun on my face. And I felt the cold wind on my cheeks. It was still -15 and now it felt like it. 

"I have arrived!",  I thought.

"I am surrounded by the warmth and beauty of my family and my home and my yard."

"I am grateful for all that I have."

"I am enough. 

I have enough.

I do enough."

Ahhh.... Enough. Is there a better word in the English language? 

Now its time to go in and make supper. 

No pretense. No self-doubt. No judgement. Just living to live. Just walking the sacred path because it is carved. Feeling satisfied. It is carved because I chose it to be. How lucky am I? SO lucky! This will only stay a short while and I will appreciate every minute of it. I promise. :-)

With love,

Heather.

The dark passage of grace

Every midwife knows
that not until a mother’s womb
softens from the pain of labour
will a way unfold
and the infant find that opening to be born.
Oh friend!
There is treasure in your heart,
it is heavy with child.
Listen.
All the awakened ones,

like trusted midwives are saying,
'welcome this pain.
It opens the dark passage of Grace.
~Rumi

 

The truth of this quote is ancient. It is the first step on the path of enlightenment; it is the foundation of therapy; it is the key to happiness!

We all do it. We see the pain. We smell the pain. We have a bit of a sense of the pain and we walk away in the other direction. We keep ourselves busy and distracted. We avoid. We numb. We complain. We do anything we can to avoid taking the first step. That is the step into and *through* the pain. 

The mistake we make is in falsely believing that if we feel the feelings of the pain we will never return. We falsely believe that if we move into the pain we will either break in a way that we can't be fixed or be lost in a way that we can't be found. 

Imagine this: (I wish I could draw on a blog).

Numb/ Avoid          <-----    YOU ------> PAIN    ------->     Everything you dreamed possible.

Misery                                                        

2 x 4 over the head

 

We go in the opposite direction of the pain.  We are not happy. We might even be miserable, but it is a misery with which we are familiar and so we keep at it. 

In the numbing and avoiding we are living our lives, but are not happy. We feel stressed, rushed, in survival mode, unable to keep up. We are spinning our wheels in obligation. Trying to get by. We feel alone and depressed or angry and resentful. We have no time for self-care: eating well, exercising, self-reflection and self-love.


We won't take time to stop and when we do stop, we numb.

I think of hitting oneself over the head with a 2 x 4. We keep doing what we have always done because we are so afraid to put down the 2 x 4. Even though what we are doing hurts us we don't know what we would do if we weren't doing this. We are afraid of the PAIN and we are afraid of what is on the other side of it. The void on the other side is a fear only second to the PAIN.

*********

This is the first step- put down the avoiding/ numbing/complaining behaviors. Dare to walk away from the misery. 

Then you will have to see the PAIN. You will have to admit to the whiff in the air of the thing you are trying to avoid. Each person's pain carries it's own name, but after exploring you will call it worthlessness. You will see that the misery comes from avoiding the feeling that without the misery you feel worthless. This is the reason for the fear of the pain. This is the core of the pain for each of us. It is a part of the human condition.

The recognition of this is the pain akin to labor in childbirth. This is the pain you are avoiding. And it is in moving through this pain that you will find grace. 

*********

Grace = Exhale. (Take a big breath right now. Allow an exhale. Try it.) 

This is the place of redemption. It is in this grace that you will find the gift of self-forgiveness. You will pay-off the debt: the price you have been paying in misery.

You will be free to feel the love of which you are apart. The greater love of the world- the stuff that is the binding force of connection between us all.

This is the place of worthiness. Of knowing: your value is demonstrated in simply being. There is nothing you need to do to be of value. You simply are. And that is enough.

This is a place of self-realization or divine love. By all names it is the same place and it is waiting for you.

********

It is in this grace that you will find that all of your dreams are possible. You belive this will be a scary place to go. You are afraid of what you will find when you see the treasure of your heart and the vastness of this love.

 I will tell you the name of this place: it is a life of ease. A place where you can create the life you can't yet imagine. It is a place where there is no striving to keep up and survive; no need to struggle to prove your worth. In this place you can be who you are and live without fear of the PAIN.  You no longer need to avoid/ numb/ complain. You can create the life of your dreams.

********

I invite you to explore this place (even though you may not think it applies to you). You may accept and yet spend many hours outside the door of PAIN examining the edges and thinking about the frame's construction. Vacuuming the rug you imagine to be right outside this door. I know. I have been there. I have thought the door would not be worthwhile. 

I urge you to know that it is simply by walking through and facing the truth of this PAIN that you will move through into the place of your dreams- a place where you discover the treasure within your heart and the vastness of great love.

It is with great love that I leave you with these thoughts. 

Heather.