You can search throughout the entire
universe for someone who is more deserving of
your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is
not to be found anywhere.You yourself, as much
as anybody in
the entire universe deserve your love and affection. ~Buddha
I love this quote. "You... as much as anybody...deserve your love and affection."
Self-acceptance is the ability to, on one hand,
hold our struggle, our imperfect messy human-ness AND on
the other hand, hold the recognition that this is where we are right now. It is
a recognition of our efforts and a loving compassion for our human self who is
struggling.
As soon as we struggle without self-acceptance, we are likely to judge
ourselves and fall into the shame pit. Judging, as in assessing and checking
ourselves, is not without it's merits of course. As grown adults we should be
able to take a moment and take stock of our behavior in any given situation,
own up to our mistakes, take responsibility and move on. That's not what I mean
when I talk about judging ourselves. This is the process I mean:
Struggle (no self-acceptance) --> judge like the harshest
critic--> feel like shit ---> act like an ass/ be mean.
When we judge our self through the struggle, we are in the shame
pit. We will most likely do one of two things: treat our self like shit or
treat someone close by like shit. That's what I mean when I say, "act like
an ass/be mean". (Yeah, some topics require swearing.)
Taking a moment to take stock of our behavior can still occur WITH
self-acceptance. It actually won't be very productive if we are taking stock of
our behavior and judging it like the harshest critic. This is
how it works when we are a struggling as a messy imperfect human AND hold some
self-acceptance.
First, I struggle. I snap at my partner, I cut someone off in
traffic, I harshly dismiss a child. (These are all immediate behavior examples,
but you can use larger and harder struggles and it still works.)
Second, I see I'm struggling and I say something like: "Ahh,
look at me acting like a messy imperfect human." Maybe I can see myself
with a little compassion and a little critical awareness. For example,
"I'm feeling so frustrated or left out or unheard by that
interaction earlier. I don't feel able to continue with my responsibilities
(deal with said partner/ traffic/ child etc) and I want to just rest and
reflect a little. This is hard. I'm struggling."
This is the MAGIC STEP and it actually has three sub-steps.
1. AWARENESS: an active decision is made beforehand to be aware of my feelings/ behaviors with an open curiosity.
2. PAUSE: I catch my self in the struggle and take a moment.
3. RECOGNITION: I see what the struggle is (as in, the feelings and behaviors) and I name it.
Third, I touch the place that's just below the struggle. I feel the
tears well up or the long exhale. I find what is below the struggle and I hold
my Self with a little reverence and compassion. "I'm trying. I am doing
the best that I can. What can I let go of for right now so I can meet my needs
for few moments?"
Fourth, I can take care of my Self. I can see the unmet needs of the
child or adolescent within. Maybe I need a tender touch from someone who loves
me or maybe I need some solitude or a sense of freedom or fun. Can I meet
this need in a small way right now? Can I look at how to get some
long-forgotten needs met on a regular basis?
THEN, fifth. I can take stock of my behavior and take responsibility.
I can return to my partner or child and apologize. I can remember to let
someone in next time there is heavy traffic. This is where the 'judging as-in
assessing' comes in-- after self-acceptance. It's the only way to avoid the shame-pit.
But before you begin to tell yourself how unworthy you are because you just can't find your way to hold self-acceptance through struggle, let me say: This is a North star philosophy. Self-acceptance
through struggle, sits like the
North Star in the sky. We will know if we are facing towards it or if we are
facing away from it, but its not about reaching it. We don't reach an enlightened place of self-acceptance that feels like rainbows and sunshine and then call it a day. [Dusts hands] "Good, I can cross self-acceptance off my list!"
Self-acceptance is a cultivation and a practice. We move in the direction of self-acceptance. We face that way. We look for and find the North star even on the darkest nights and that is what self-acceptance does for us. It provides a direction within the dark times of struggle, self-loathing and despair. To be human is to struggle. There are always problems of some kind to move through. Finding the North star of self-acceptance in the struggle, that is the key to avoiding a fall into the shame pit.
But before you begin to tell yourself how unworthy you are because you just can't find your way to hold self-acceptance through struggle, let me say: This is a North star philosophy. Self-acceptance
Self-acceptance is a cultivation and a practice. We move in the direction of self-acceptance. We face that way. We look for and find the North star even on the darkest nights and that is what self-acceptance does for us. It provides a direction within the dark times of struggle, self-loathing and despair. To be human is to struggle. There are always problems of some kind to move through. Finding the North star of self-acceptance in the struggle, that is the key to avoiding a fall into the shame pit.
Self-acceptance is something that we all long for. Our desire for it is so deep
that we often look for it from outside our self. However, acceptance from
others can never exceed the extent that we can accept our Self and so we must
start there.
Warmly yours,
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