Self-Acceptance: The North Star of Personal Work

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.                      ~Buddha

I love this quote. "You... as much as anybody...deserve your love and affection." 

Self-acceptance is the ability to, on one hand, hold our struggle, our imperfect messy human-ness AND on the other hand, hold the recognition that this is where we are right now.  It is a recognition of our efforts and a loving compassion for our human self who is struggling. 

As soon as we struggle without self-acceptance, we are likely to judge ourselves and fall into the shame pit. Judging, as in assessing and checking ourselves, is not without it's merits of course. As grown adults we should be able to take a moment and take stock of our behavior in any given situation, own up to our mistakes, take responsibility and move on. That's not what I mean when I talk about judging ourselves. This is the process I mean: 

Struggle (no self-acceptance) -->  judge like the harshest critic--> feel like shit --->  act like an ass/ be mean.

When we judge our self through the struggle, we are in the shame pit. We will most likely do one of two things: treat our self like shit or treat someone close by like shit. That's what I mean when I say, "act like an ass/be mean". (Yeah, some topics require swearing.)

Taking a moment to take stock of our behavior can still occur WITH self-acceptance. It actually won't be very productive if we are taking stock of our behavior and judging it like the harshest critic. This is how it works when we are a struggling as a messy imperfect human AND hold some self-acceptance. 

First, I struggle. I snap at my partner, I cut someone off in traffic, I harshly dismiss a child. (These are all immediate behavior examples, but you can use larger and harder struggles and it still works.) 

Second, I see I'm struggling and I say something like: "Ahh, look at me acting like a messy imperfect human." Maybe I can see myself with a little compassion and a little critical awareness. For example, "I'm feeling so frustrated or left out or unheard by that interaction earlier. I don't feel able to continue with my responsibilities (deal with said partner/ traffic/ child etc) and I want to just rest and reflect a little. This is hard. I'm struggling."

This is the MAGIC STEP and it actually has three sub-steps. 

1. AWARENESS: an active decision is made beforehand to be aware of my feelings/ behaviors with an open curiosity. 

2. PAUSE: I catch my self in the struggle and take a moment. 

3. RECOGNITION: I see what the struggle is (as in, the feelings and behaviors) and I name it.  

Third, I touch the place that's just below the struggle. I feel the tears well up or the long exhale. I find what is below the struggle and I hold my Self with a little reverence and compassion. "I'm trying. I am doing the best that I can. What can I let go of for right now so I can meet my needs for few moments?" 

Fourth, I can take care of my Self. I can see the unmet needs of the child or adolescent within. Maybe I need a tender touch from someone who loves me or maybe I need some solitude or a sense of freedom or fun. Can I meet this need in a small way right now? Can I look at how to get some long-forgotten needs met on a regular basis? 

THEN, fifth. I can take stock of my behavior and take responsibility. I can return to my partner or child and apologize. I can remember to let someone in next time there is heavy traffic. This is where the 'judging as-in assessing' comes in-- after self-acceptance. It's the only way to avoid the shame-pit.

But before you begin to tell yourself how unworthy you are because you just can't find your way to hold self-acceptance through struggle, let me say: This is a North star philosophy. Self-acceptance

through struggle, sits like the North Star in the sky. We will know if we are facing towards it or if we are facing away from it, but its not about reaching it. We don't reach an enlightened place of self-acceptance that feels like rainbows and sunshine and then call it a day. [Dusts hands] "Good, I can cross self-acceptance off my list!"

Self-acceptance is a cultivation and a practice. We move in the direction of self-acceptance. We face that way. We look for and find the North star even on the darkest nights and that is what self-acceptance does for us. It provides a direction within the dark times of struggle, self-loathing and despair. To be human is to struggle. There are always problems of some kind to move through. Finding the North star of self-acceptance in the struggle, that is the key to avoiding a fall into the shame pit.

Self-acceptance is something that we all long for. Our desire for it is so deep that we often look for it from outside our self. However, acceptance from others can never exceed the extent that we can accept our Self and so we must start there. 

Warmly yours,

Heather.

Heather@pointonthepath.com
www.pointonthepath.com

Adaption to pain & the integration of Self

Humans are adaptive animals. For 200,000 years we have evolved to maximize our chance of survival. So much of our brain is devoted to surviving. We have had a very short history of doing more than surviving. It's only been recently that people question their happiness. As creatures who have survived this long, we have become very good at adapting to changing circumstances and very Hard Times. When each of us go through Hard Times, we find ways to cope. Initially a very good survival mechanism is to take what has happened and put it behind us. We move on to the next thing or taking care of any of the fallout of the Hard Times. This ability to take what happened and put it behind us is a kind of compartmentalization. It's adaptive. For example, if you are a small child watching your parents shout at each other or seeing physical violence between your care giving adults, you wait for the storm to calm and then you move on. Is your mom happy now? No. Okay, what can you do to fix it? Happy now? Ok, good. Move on. Put that scary event behind you. This compartmentalization is adaptive-- necessary for the child to survive in the family.

If a Hard Time happens and a Trusted Adult comes in to help you sort out your feelings and validates your perception, you may have a different way of understanding and processing the experience. It might not be a Hard Time because there were Trusted Adults to help. In my experience, this rarely occurs. The norm is that the child is meant to follow the family cycle and pretend everything is normal even when nothing feels normal. "We're good now, right? Ok, move on."

And so the child moves on. The brain allows that Hard Time event to be put in a box and put behind us and we move forward... until one day there is so much behind us, it may be hard to move forward. 

How do you possibly unpack that closet of hazardous material created through the unprocessed Hard Times?

What most "adaptive" adults will do is try to numb it out. 

Numbing looks like: keeping busy; never slowing down; drinking too much; spending too much; trying to control all the little things in life; being critical; watching a lot of TV; hiding in a room away from the people you live with; having a small life, but wanting more....and a multitude of other behaviors done to excess and with little pleasure. Numbing is about managing the pain of emotions that would otherwise arise. 

Numbing is an "adaptive" way to survive. It prevents the emotional pain from coming up. We worry that if we didn't numb, the naturally arising feelings would overwhelm us or others. We worry that the feelings could have violent consequences and we could hurt ourselves or others. Numbing is a natural response to having experienced Hard Times without the guidance and care of Trusted Adults. 

The thing is, numbing is survival. It's not living. It's not creating. It's not fully loving! 

This is where intervention starts. 

Same story of Hard Times: the small child who watched their parents shouting at each other or witnessed physical violence only needs to be collected. She only needs a little recognition of her needs. He only needs some validation of his feelings. The child inside is the resilient and soft part of the person who learned to adapt. What an amazing gift! That child kept herself safe through Hard Times. That child found ways to please the adults and try to smooth over tension to find peace. That child was strong, but now it's time for that child inside to be cared for.

Spirit is found in the care. Spirit is found in the resilience. Spirit is found in the bigger, stronger, wiser part of yourself who can show up in a kind manner for that child. 

Adaptation is about survival. Spirit is about integration of the parts of Self and coming into a place of wholeness. This is the path of healing: Moving from pain (which requires numbing) and suffering (the internal struggle to get through until numbing can occur) to integrated wholeness.

Counseling is the facilitated process of healing where the counselor is the Trusted Adult there to help the child process the feelings. The healing process allows for the collection of the child left behind and the reclamation of the whole Self. In my way of thinking, the Whole Self is the place of spirit. It is the re-claiming of our selves as spiritual-humans as we transcend and integrate all the parts of self. To me, this is the journey and the purpose of life! Perhaps the greatest adventure you'll ever have will be completely inside your Self. 

You can search...

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone

who is more deserving of your love and affection

than you are yourself,

and that person is not to be found anywhere.

You yourself, as much as anybody

in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

~Buddha

The messy spiral of Self-growth

The spiral is a scared nature-based image. I'm using it here as a framework for understanding how we move through higher states of consciousness by revisiting core issues.

I drew a picture (below)-- my first time trying this so it's a bit rough! This is the teaching of the spiral. We start at the bottom. The first X represents that point of feeling alone or in pain related to some core issue of the Self. In previous blogs, I've described the shape and shame. This starting point is the place of this core shape/ shame issue.

We find some way of significantly moving away from this pain. We seek out some counseling or use body-based treatments; learn meditation; work on our pain through art or writing.  There is some intervention that moves us far enough away from this pain that we feel like we left it behind in some way. We may even have the relaxed experience of "ahhhh...." in the exhale of relief of our understanding. At this point in managing a core issue, we will feel like we're done. [dusts palms together] "Glad I figured that out!" (We can be a bit arrogant at this stage.)

What happens though, as you will see by reading the points on the spiral from the bottom to the top, is that we circle back into a core issue. We will feel like we're exactly where we were before-- in the pain that is represented by all the points on the left hand side of the spiral. There will be some event or interaction or relationship that will push at our core issue or move us into that shape we worked to release and we will be shocked: "How can I be here again? I solved this issue."

In fact though, we can never really return to the same point. We are always at a new place of increased consciousness and understanding Self. It will feel like a familiar misery, but it is different. The spiral shows us that we are not in a circle or a repetitive pattern if we are moving toward an increased understanding. Sure, it may feel like a continuous loop, but it likely isn't as much of one as it feels (1). Every time we circle back to the left side, we gain new understandings and insights and so move upwards toward the right. Each level of the spiral is a new level of consciousness and understanding of the Self.

Recently someone I love very much had a significant event occur. I thought I had done so much work on my own core issue: 'filling needs for others when I have my own unmet needs', but in one rug-pulled-out-from-under-me event, I felt like I was back in a place from many years ago. I couldn't see my own needs. I didn't have my own boundaries. I was a mushy mess without clarity working overtime to care for others beyond what was expected or needed.The overtime work extended beyond the person I loved and went out everywhere. I was back in my shape and reacting to the world the way I did a long time ago.

I found some trusted helpers (our own stuff is at the end of our nose; we all need trusted people to help sort it out) and I began to pull my Self back together. In the process, I was able to find my self-compassion again and s l o w down and meet my own need: to admit my struggle, show my vulnerability and express my emotions. I understood (again!) that I am the one who makes space for me. The people who love me want me to make space for my Self. It's me who, in the most pain-filled moments, will default to staying small and working on behalf of others to my detriment. I know that staying small and denying my own  needs is a form of self-harm. As much as anyone, I deserve my love, care and compassion.

This latest turn around the spiral has led me to greater understandings and allowed me to take even bigger risks in being real. This is the path. We are messy imperfect humans and it's our human experience that gives us the best material for cultivating spiritual growth. It's not about avoiding pain; it's about the transformation of that pain into greater understandings and higher levels of consciousness.

Heather.

(1) If your experience truly feels like a circle, then you are idling at the point of the first X- doing loops in one spot-and you haven't yet begun on the spiral. Your work is to find the first step to change-- come in for counseling and we'll get you on your way. You can also dig deep on your own and seek out others if things become too clouded-- but get off the circle and into greater understanding.