tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26910276100289270702024-02-06T21:46:22.324-08:00Heather MackayThoughts about growing as a human and spiritual being.pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-85881157045855026592020-04-11T07:30:00.003-07:002020-04-12T06:26:59.987-07:00Finding Peace in the time of Physical IsolationIt's the end of Week 4. I have been a telehealth therapist for 4 weeks now.<br />
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It's been hard. I wrote about <a href="http://pointonthepath.blogspot.com/2020/03/ambiguous-loss-al.html">ambiguous loss</a> in the shock of the first week: the loss of normal life, sharing my office with lovely clients of all ages, the feeling of familiar comfort and even the way I recognized cues in my body. The onset of sudden and high stress is a different reality for perception, reaction and problem solving and I experienced not being able to find orientation in my bodily perception and emotional world as an ambiguous loss.<br />
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The last three weeks have been about frequently reorienting to my grounded centre while changing every system that makes up the infrastructure of life: grocery shopping, kids' appointments and school, work tasks like new consent forms and new billing systems for contracts. It's exhausting to have to find new processes and rhythms in so many facets of life while under the stress of worrying about loved ones or the potential impacts of the pandemic. There is a lot of work that goes into managing emotions and trying to up-regulate enough to get going again after a rest or to manage bubbling irritability that rises from inevitable road blocks that need yet more problem solving.<br />
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And in addition to the initial ambiguous losses and the changing systems, there are very real losses for many: cancelled events like grads, weddings and vacations; job loss; being able to visit loved ones in nursing homes and hospitals. Before this is over, many of us will be impacted by the death of a loved one from the virus. And as we all hear, the end of life with this virus is a lonely ending. Many people have already experienced those very real losses.<br />
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I don't think you need convincing that these are hard times. So how do we find peace? How do we find something between a high stress state and what has set in more recently for many: low-energy, irritability and numbing out.<br />
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<a href="https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/">Bessel van der Kolk</a> is a preeminent trauma specialist and in a recent webinar he compared the preconditions of trauma to the elements of physical isolation. These are:<br />
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Lack of predictability<br />
Immobility<br />
Loss of connection<br />
Numbing out or spacing out<br />
Loss of sense of time and sequence<br />
Loss of safety<br />
Loss of a sense of purpose<br />
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To improve our well-being and mitigate the impact of mental trauma arising from physical isolation, there are some habits we can develop. As a trauma and attachment focused therapist, these make sense to me. Some are more applicable to one person or one family over another. Take what fits for you and leave the rest. (And check out <a href="http://www.besselvanderkolk.com/">www.BesselvanderKolk.com </a> for more information.)<br />
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<u>Lack of predictability</u>: Create a schedule/ rhythm/ routine. If you don't want to set specific times, have a list of activities that you plan to get through every day. They don't have to be Pinterest projects, just the basics. And create a calendar with events: who will you video chat next Friday in lieu of after work drinks or an event out? Have something to look forward to. Talk to your friends and enlist their creativity for planning a fun on-line event together.<br />
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<u>Immobility</u>: When our nervous system is activated, it wants to move. The irony is that we are all being told to stay home. To discharge the build up of tension in our bodies we need to take action: exercise, do a big clean, have a dance party with your little kids or your cat. And if that seems like a lot: shower, change your clothes and cook a meal. Moving is important.<br />
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<u>Loss of Connection</u>: We are pack animals. We create a synergy in our connection with others and we are used to doing that in the physical presence of others. van der Kolk says: "when we cry, we're supposed to get a response; when we laugh, someone is supposed to laugh with us. Those are the rhythms of life by which we develop and sustain ourselves." So when you are connecting on-line with family and friends, hang out together via video for a little bit. Tell stories and play music or games and eat together to mimic the experience of what it's like when you are together in person.<br />
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<u>Numbing out versus Mindfulness</u>: Ask any professional who works with people-- addiction and violence are real concerns right now. We need to try to notice ourselves and observe what is going on so we can be in a place of choice. The alternative is being a ball of reaction: lashing out or numbing out. Mindfulness practices are abundant online. I appreciate the work of Kristen Neff, Rick Hanson and Peter Levine for the therapeutic application of <b>mindfulness-- which remember is just being aware of me in my world and the world around me.</b> In times like this, we will default to our original self-protection emotions and strategies. That makes sense, but we don't have to get stuck there. We can come back to being present. Counseling can significantly help with coming back to the awareness of our self.<br />
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<u>Loss of sense of time and sequence</u>: In trauma, time stops. The joke for this pandemic time is we don't know what day it is or time of day- this is particularly true if you have been laid off from paid work. The response here is similar to the strategies above: develop a schedule/ routine/ rhythm and a mindfulness practice like meditation. van der Kolk says: "live with an inner sense that every moment is different from the last."<br />
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<u>Loss of Safety</u>: This one is a big one for me. A portion of my counseling work is with kids who live out of parental care, involved with Children's Services. I talk to care providers a lot about how to help a child *feel* safe. We know that scared and stressed adults scare kids so finding a calming breath and loving touch between family members is crucial. Consider when you feel safe and what helps you to feel safe. I have a few, but one of my stranger ones is, in my comfy chair with blankets on me, I have taken to adding a 'throw' sized very soft blanket around my shoulders and on top of my head in a way that I can turn my head and rest my cheek on the soft fabric. I'm sure it looks silly, but the full set-up is like a cocoon and I exhale deeply in this comfy contained safe place. When do you feel safe? With whom do you feel safe? Set that up for yourself.<br />
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<u>Loss of a sense of purpose</u>: The easy fix for this is to help others. I know how hard it is right now and how awful the world looks with every news item or social media scroll AND I can't help but believe that this is the time for us to shine as a dominantly compassionate species. Add something to your window that is interesting for the pedestrian's walking by; call an elderly neighbor or friend and offer some service; see what charitable act you can take that will help someone.<br />
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And care for your self with purpose. Write out your activity list for the day and week and follow it (being gentle with your self). I know that lots of days it will be enough just to shower and connect with someone but on the days you have it in you, what act of helping- yourself or someone else- can you do?<br />
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I see you. I know it's hard. And I know we will get through this. If you think having a video or phone counseling session would be helpful, consider reaching out. And in the meantime- take care of yourself. You're important and needed in this world.<br />
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Heather.<br />
<a href="http://pointonthepath.com/index.html">pointonthepath.com</a><br />
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<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-32725584550166982192020-03-27T08:17:00.001-07:002020-03-27T08:22:30.697-07:00Shame Resilience for Social Workers<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These are my notes of what I wanted to present at the Alberta College of Social Workers Conference Mar 27, 2020. </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thanks for
that (the intro) or the name of the person. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Welcome
everyone. I am SO happy and excited to be here. I love being in a room of
social workers and crazy enough I love talking about shame resilience- I do it
a lot. I am in private practice as Clinical Social Worker and shame resilience
is central to my counseling philosophy and lens. Shame gets in the way for a
lot of us and makes it harder for us to understand what’s really happening
underneath it—our feelings; where our boundaries are and so on. We need to
strip away that first layer of shame to make our way on other issues… and
actually truth be told, I just think of shame as a bull shit liar—because no
matter what, we are all worthy of love and belonging. And we’ll get to all
that.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’ll just
tell you a little about me… well because when I’m in a workshop I like to know
who’s talking. I came up through social work. At 19 years old (untrained, clearly)
I drove kids and supervised parental visits on contract with Children’s
Services- I don’t know why anyone let me do that. Then I worked in group care
with adults with developmental delays while in university and group care with
youth between degrees- in the city with McMan and the old Bosco ranch. I worked
in Children’s services as a case manager and then studied the admin and
evaluation side of social work at University of Manitoba looking at the
integration of services for high risk kids across ministries. </span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Then I spent a
decade raising kids and working in reproductive health before going back to studying
to bring up my credentials to become as Clinical Social Worker. I’ve been in
private practice since 2012—growing my practice while under the supervision of
now my friend Karen Nielsen- social worker extraordinaire. [Who would have been in the audience and gone for lunch with me after.] :-(<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The origin
of this talk came about 2 years ago when I was asked by Leanne Hilsen at the
University of Calgary, Edmonton Division to talk at the BSW Field Supervisors’
lunch. I’ve always been a big Brene Brown fan from the first viral TED talk in
2011 and Leanne knew that from my professional social media. And then Leanne
told me about this very cool social worker from Vancouver named Vikki Reynolds.
And here we are two full circles around the sun later and I spent the day in a
workshop with Vikki Renyolds yesterday and heard her speak this morning and I
am here talking on the same topic to you great people. [which of course didn't actually happen. FC!] <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">__________ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So now I
want to get an idea of the social workers (both trained and untrained—some of
my best friends are people who were born to be social workers and never did get
the university training). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1 </span></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">Who works directly with clients’ most
of their time?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2 </span></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">Who has been in the social work field
for 1-5 years, including students; 5-10 years? More than 10 years? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3 </span></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">Okay and where do we work? Large
cities- Edmonton, Calgary, Red Deer/ Lethbridge? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4 </span></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">Who works in town settings? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5 </span></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">And primarily rural settings?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6 </span></span><span style="line-height: 107%;">And where do you go to work everyday?
Hospitals and Health care settings? </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Schools and universities? </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Children services? </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Government social services- city,
other provincial programs, federal? </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Non-profit agencies? </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Community social workers? Urban Core
Neighborhoods? </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">What else do we call that—front
lines, in the trenches?</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What have I missed? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And then “client issues”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(and I’m using that word because we have to have a way of talking
together today, but I don’t see it as us and them- because that’s a false
binary set up in the professionalization of the work and it’s distancing by its
nature. It’s also false to think that social workers don’t have similar
experiences as “clients” or are never “clients”.)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Who works with people experiencing: </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Poverty- income instability; food insecurity; housing
insecurity or homelessness? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mental illness including severe and persistent mental
illness? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Clients with a physical disability? Chronic Health Issue?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Criminal justice involvement? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Clients who struggle with one or more addiction.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Sexually exploited now or in the past? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Suffered from multiple adverse childhood events including
abuse, neglect or witnessing parents with an addiction, violence between them
or other issues like metal health/ criminal involvement or addictions? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Client’s who struggle with systemic discrimination and
oppression related to sex, race, gender identity, sexuality, ability, income
and socio-economic status.</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And is it
fair to say that you all know who Brene Brown is? Our famous colleague—a social
worker from the University of Huston. She is a shame and vulnerability
researcher. She has a viral TED-X talk from 2010 and in 2012 she presented at
our ACSW conference in Edmonton. I’m a big fan. I was there at 7:30am and got
my picture taken with her. She’s written 6 books- most are best sellers and she
hangs out with Oprah now and has a Netflix special. And as of last week has a great podcast called Unlocking Us. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So today I
want to use some of her ideas about shame and vulnerability and how we rise up
when we struggle, fall or fail—and apply them to the work we do as social
workers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>-----<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As social
workers we know that everyone has a story and in fact, a lot of what we do is
sit with people and listen to their story…. Where they have some from, where
they are now and what they might need to move forward in their own story. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And the
stories we hear are most often are stories of struggle and striving. And as
social workers the people we listen TO and work alongside OF, are those who are
marginalized from mainstream society—who often live with systemic
discrimination and oppression. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And I want
to acknowledge that many social workers live in this same way—with their own
experiences of systemic discrimination and oppression. There really is NO
us-and-them, but in a work context we take on the role of social worker and for
simplicity the person we are working with will be a “client” in the way we talk
today.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So our work
is messy people caring work and it’s often in a context that is filled with
social injustice. We have the people we work with and the context of their
lives, their lived experiences, their story and we have us—each of us as an
individual—and the context of our life, our lived experience, our story. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So before I
go into how hard our work can be and how natural it is that sometimes we
struggle or have difficult responses to our work, let’s first just orient to
our own story as it relates to social work.</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ok, so a
little housekeeping…. you’ll need a pen and something to write on and you’ll
also need a sharing partner for these next 3 little exercises. Please pick
someone you don’t know or don’t know very well. Not your best friend you came
in with and not someone you will see at work Monday morning. And can you do a
quick intro with each other, please? Name, where you’re from or where you work.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">I work dyadically most of the time and so I lean towards the sharing in pairs over
other formats for reflection or sharing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Great!
You’re all great!</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Coming into
your own story-- I want you to think about a couple of positive qualities that
you had as a child. How adults would have described you when you were a little
child—USING POSITIVE TERMS- think age 7, 8, 9, 10, 11—in there. How would the
adults at home or school describe what you were like. Take a minute to jot that
down. And now share that with your sharing partner. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Okay and now
take a minute to think about how those childhood qualities are potentially the
gifts that you bring to your work. And consider that these qualities (even if
they weren’t appreciated when you were little) are the gifts you share in your
best social working moments. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider
how they connect for a minute--- And when you’re ready, share that with your
sharing partner. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">AND NOW:
come back again. I want you to think about a recent positive interaction with a
client. Is there are highlight in the last week or month of being with a client
when you felt really good about it? What made it positive for you? Did you feel
a sense of connection? Did you feel a sense of shared humanity or deep
compassion for the client’s feelings or for their situation? Were you in awe of
their ability to get through their hard times? Their resilience or tenacity to
keep going? Perhaps talking with a client helped you put something in your life
in perspective?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So the
purpose of that is just to orient into yourself and how that’s related to your
professional role. It’s meant to be grounding into what we all love most about
our work and to remind us that what sets us up to fall or fail, is often NOT
our direct work with clients alone. And if you haven’t heard Vikki say this
already, she writes that most of use would say our interactions with clients
are actually challenging, inspiring and even transforming for us. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So now I
want to talk about what it feels like when we fall, we fail and we struggle.
You might have an experience to draw on—when you didn’t feel like a “good
social worker”- maybe in a conversation with a client or a co-worker/
supervisor or maybe just at the end of the day when you got home and had a
feeling of not being able to do it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In Brene
Brown’s work, she says that the physics of vulnerability is such that if we are
brave enough often enough, we will fall. Its not IF we fall it’s when. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And social
workers, by our nature and our call to the profession is that we are people who
strive to live with an open heart—with what Brene Brown calls ordinary
courage—Ordinary courage is the ability to speak your mind with your heart—to
tell your whole story with your whole heart and that includes the part of the story
that has struggle in it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shame is
about the times when we don’t feel worthy of love and belonging, and we hide a
part of our story instead of stepping into the vulnerability it takes to own
stories of struggle. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shame is the
feeling of being seen as failing or falling. Shame in part is a feeling like we
are powerless—that is that we can’t make change happen—and as social workers
(and this would be true of other helping professionals as well) we are very
hard on ourselves when we fail, fall and struggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t like a feeling that we can’t make
change happen. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We know or
we believe that when the people we work with struggle we will be there with
compassion and empathy, but when we struggle, typically we are not as forgiving
with our own selves. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And if
you’ve ever heard Brene Brown say: you can only be as empathetic to others as
you have compassion for yourself, as a social worker you probably thought,
that’s a lie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m very good at showing
up for others, I’m just hard on myself. But what we know, is that if we don’t
practice self-compassion, we are not able to show up emphatically. In fact,
we risk thinking in us and them terms—there are people who need help and there
are people who do the helping—and remember we already said that’s not only unnecessarily
distancing and relationship damaging, it’s actually threatens how we hold our
personal values and professional ethics. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Courage,
compassion, connection help us to overcome experiences of shame. Empathy is the
antidote to shame and even if as a group we are good at doing it for others we
have to work on how we cultivate self-compassion. If we don’t, we will stay
isolated and insulated from connection—and then shame grows. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So a couple
of quick things about shame: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shame is
different from guilt. Guilt is I made a mistake and I should make amends. I
step on your foot, I have some guilt- I’m sorry are you okay? Guilt is healthy
and adaptive in relationships. Shame is different. Shame is the feeling that I
am a mistake. There is something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The three
things about shame: we all have it, we all hate talking about it, the less we
talk about it the more it affects us. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shame is
organized differently for men and women, but it feels the same in our body.
(quick side note- it’s not as gendered as this- but for the bulk of each gender
there are differences that emerged from Brene Brown's original research)—most often for women
shame is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a web of competing conflicting
expectations and a feeling of not being able to meet all the expectations. For
men, Brene Brown (and others) talk about it as a box- with a limited definition
of masculinity—where if you express emotion or vulnerability, you are weak. I
appreciate that one may be more based in feminine ideals and masculine ideals,
but I have definitely met men who struggle with competing expectations and
women who were raised to see vulnerability as weakness—especially in
masculine-feeling organizational settings. So let’s say its feminine/ masculine
ways of organizing shame and not necessarily men and women per se. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And in the
original research Brene Brown found there are 12 different categories where we
can feel shame—today we are focusing on one- related to work. Some of the other
12 areas include: appearance and body image; past trauma; being labelled and
stereotyped; family of origin; mothering/ fathering; physical and mental
illness, including addiction. Some of these, like mothering or trauma can be
minefields of shame triggers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You’re all
with me--- ok, breathe. Just talking about shame can be inherently shame
triggering, but we’re going to move through it together. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That’s what
shame resilience is: the capacity to recognize shame when we experience it and
move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our authenticity
and grow from our experiences.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These are
the 4 steps to shame resilience: <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 107%;">Recognizing shame triggers<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 107%;">Practicing critical awareness<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 107%;">Reaching out<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="line-height: 107%;">Calling shame by its name<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So first we
have to recognize our shame triggers and we have to know what shame looks like
or feels like for us, individually. Often our first response to shame is
involuntary and it happens in a millisecond- our brain tells us to either freeze,
runaway or fight and defend. In social circumstances, that means we will move
away, move toward or move against. These are shame screens- it’s what we do to
hide our shame and distract others from seeing it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Moving away
is withdrawing and being secret and silent about the experience. We are likely
to go numb out with food, wine or beer, shopping, on-line games or social
media…. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Moving
toward is when we are hustling to people please the people we are with—we do
this so that we can still feel as though we belong to them. Hard core people
pleasing isn’t something social workers would know much about (Haha). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And moving
against is when we take the uncomfortable feeling of shame and discharge it
outward into blame. We try to gain power over others by being aggressive or
trying to control the situation (and we often reserve this one for the people
we love the most). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So if we can
catch ourselves in a reaction like this, those millisecond shame screens and we
can stop and say—ahhh…. Here is a shame trigger. If we can get curious about
what’s going on (emotionally, in our bodies and in our thoughts) it’s like
collecting data about ourselves. If we can understand ourselves better, we can
grow toward our wholeness. And to do this, we need to be able to hold
self-compassion—otherwise we just shame spiral. Or if that’s a hard word to
hold on to, simply self-acceptance. SEE my self struggling, acting out,
withdrawing and on the other side, hold some self-acceptance and
self-compassion—ahh, there I am being a messy imperfect human. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Shame
triggers are often related to unwanted identities relative to our idealized
identities. This applies to any of the shame trigger areas- my desired
identities in how I want others to see me or how I want to see myself—as a
mother, in my appearance, in my mental health… and we are using work here. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So lets see
if we can do this as a large group—what are our idealized identities as social
workers… how do we want to see ourselves? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I think
of us as a collective group, I think some our desired identities include: Being
tough- we can handle it; we are resilient and can bounce back; we are also empathetic,
we can help,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we can make change happen.
And we are professional. We are able to talk about our clients and their
experiences with a bit of emotional distance. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What are the
unwanted identities? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I think they
include being seen as weak, affected by our work; not able to handle it,
judgmental (or non-empathetic), CAN’T make change happen, powerless, too
emotional, too attached, NOT rational in the way we communicate.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Unwanted
identities dictate our behavior every day. They do this because we work hard to
show only the desired identities and then we don’t share what’s going on behind
that. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But it’s
worth it to figure out these desired and unwanted identities because the
perceptions we have and how we want to avoid them are totally unrealistic and
they give us little room to be messy imperfect humans. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That’s one
step in shame resilience—recognizing shame triggers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Another step
is practicing critical awareness. That’s when we step back to see the context
of our experiences. So Brene Brown has a few questions related to critical
awareness that can be applied to any of the shame triggers areas—but I when I
thought about them in how they apply to us as social workers, I was blown away.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">What are the
social or community expectations regarding this issue?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So thinking
about the expectations that we have on ourselves or others have on is in our
desired identities- tough, resilient, empathetic, but have some professional
distance. Able to make change happen and get things done.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And
expectations that we do more with less; do the impossible. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We aren’t
asked what we need or what resources our clients’ need, but get things done. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Who sets
these expectations?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">They are
political and complex- connected to the government and funding. The
expectations are related to how society and the media understands (or doesn’t
understand or doesn’t even know about) the social issue in the areas where we
work… and of course, the social issues themselves are complex.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Who benefits
from these experiences? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 107%;">That social
workers are tough and resilient… our employers. The government. The people who
want us to do more with less. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The people
who wan to live with their privilege in action of never knowing how challenging
and unfair some people’s lives are. Those who don’t want to think about complex
social issues because they think someone else can do that- that person has a
social worker—they are fine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we work
with marginalized groups of people related to complex social issues, they are
not really understood. People understand the context of nurses and hospitals
and health care funding and will talk about that; or about teachers and
schools, but when it comes to talking about complex social problems and the
people affected by them, Joe Public doesn’t necessarily understand that. And
so, often there aren’t a lot of people in the conversations related to the
areas where we work. And they benefit by not having to personally address that
there are some very big injustices in our society We aren’t just the “good Canadians”
that have universal health care.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And this
dynamic further contributes to the feelings of isolation—we are the advocates
in our area of work and others look at us, like why is that a problem? That
doesn’t affect me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(things like
systemic racism or child maltreatment or prostitution or the criminal justice
system… that isn’t about them).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are these
expectations realistic? Do they conflict with each other? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No, they are
not realistic and yes, they do conflict with each other.</span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; padding: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Does it make sense that we can always be tough and resilient
when we are also called to be present and empathetic with a client’s life
circumstances? How do we do our work with sensitivity to the social injustice
and then always stay non-emotional in our advocacy?</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we think
of these critical awareness questions about the times when we struggle, we must
understand the context of our work—that’s the task—broaden the lens that we are
using to look back on the times when we struggle or fall…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We work in
organizations without sufficient resources to address the social problem areas
where we work;<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There simply
isn’t enough of us to go around’<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We often
aren’t part of decision-making that takes place 4 steps above our pay grade and
it affects us and our clients.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are often
subject to organizational change and restructuring without input…because the
systems we work in are political and affected by the politics of the day and
funding and so on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We work with
some of the most complex social issues: homelessness, poverty, systemic racism,
trauma, child maltreatment, mental illness, aging, and many more… and we work
with people from vulnerable populations: Indigenous Canadians, new Canadians,
people marginalized through sexuality and gender, people who live with chronic
disease and disability… <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">So when I
was working on all of this.. what came to me was this moment: So when we are
tired and feel like “I’m not a good enough social worker”, why on God’s green
earth (as my mother would say) do we hold that experiences as an individual
pathology? </span>What’s wrong
with me? I’m not good enough. I can’t do this. I’m not normal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">So critical
awareness is a practice of reality checking expectations. </span>We need to
contextualize our personal experiences and see how the larger political,
economic and social forces shape those experiences and we need to
normalize—other social workers feel this too. If we don’t we will further
isolate ourselves or act-out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The critical
awareness piece tells us: I am, you are, we are: messy imperfect humans trying
to get through some through some tough work on some tough days with competing
and conflicting expectations about what we’re supposed to do and how we’re
supposed to do that. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So we need
to demystify the experience of shame around our role as social workers. That
means we talk about it, share what we know with others and we learn more about
it. If we don’t demystify the idealized identities, then we reinforce shame
connected to the unrealistic expectations and continue to make exhaustion or burning
out an individual pathology. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Part of
demystifying idealized identities and this comes from Vikki Reynolds work is to
talk about doable job descriptions and cultivating a workplace that allows for
sustainability. What would it be like if there was a workplace expectation that
you take an hour for lunch every day. Or there was a walking club promoted by
your boss or a clinical support circle that was supported or paid for by your
employer. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So leads to
step 3 which is Reaching our to tell our story. (breathe) [my note to self. lol.] </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We heal shame in our
connection to others. We know how to show up for our clients, but we typically
aren’t great at reaching our. And if we don’t share our own stories of
struggle, we wind up feeling separated from others and insulated from
connection. We have to create safe spaces for those honest conversations. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we
fall, fail and struggle as social workers and that can include working against
our professional ethics or our personal values either because the political
structures around our work cause that OR because we make a mistake (I know,
imagine social workers make mistakes….) There are some very good, but sticky
conversations about how we work with clients, how people in our organizations
talk about clients and whether that fits with our collective ethics (which is
Vikki Reynolds work). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So what are
the barriers to reaching out? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One is a
sense of otherness: social workers re great at thinking our work is special. If
we think our area of work is special—we think we can’t have these conversations
with outside others. For example, people who work in the core neighborhoods
thinking people who work outside of that don’t get it; people who work in
hospitals close to critical illness, dying and death; or people who work with
child trauma and abuse. We set ourselves up for insulating and think others
can’t understand. It leads to working in silos.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That’s the
other thing that is a barrier to reaching out—we often work in places that have
a culture of scarcity. There isn’t enough of what we need… we talk about how
big were the crises and how frequent and in some work places self-neglect is a
badge of honor: I didn’t even have time to eat lunch. I didn’t even have time to pee. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This further
reinforces the idealized identities and doesn’t provide a space for shame
resilience (or for sustainability in our work). <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We need to work
to shit our workplace culture so that there is room for these things. We need
to deconstruct work experiences of crises and talk through difficult ethical
issues as they arise. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We reach out
to others to help with the reality check, have honest conversations that have
space for empathy through the falling and rising process. We meet to talk about
our struggles—this feeling I’m not a good social worker—and also with
accountability to our ethics and our collective way of understanding our work. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And so that’s
the 4<sup>th</sup> step- speaking shame. It can be hard to define or describe
the feeling sometimes—because shame is a unique pain—but to speak shame means
that we can talk openly about our feelings and our needs. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So when we
have had a hard day and we might not recognize it, but there is a little shame
edge to how we are feeling, we go home and make the people closest to us guess
at what we need and then we blame them if we didn’t get it right. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you don’t
ask for what you need, you will have to act out or shut down. You don’t have a
choice, you aren’t getting your needs met. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And this
often leads to making us feel worse and we get into that shame shit storm. So
we have to be able to speak our feeling and needs related to shame, yes, but
related to it all. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Really, to
be able to say this is how I am feeling, and this is what I need means that we
see ourselves as worthy of having those feelings understood and those needs
met. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So that’s
shame resilience: the capacity to recognize shame when we experience it and
move through it in a constructive way that allows us to maintain our
authenticity and grow from our experiences. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So to
wrap-up. Shame is the study of both the power of connection and dangers of
disconnection. We need to find ways to emphatically support one another when
we trip on shame triggers, fall, fail and struggle-- When we re not resilient
or tough or when we make mistakes or have tough ethical issues to deal with. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As Brene
Brown says, it’s being able to walk into our own stories of struggle—getting
curious about feelings and the associated thoughts and behaviors that help us
to own our story. I’ll end with a couple of Brene Brown quotes and then we’ll
open it up for the minutes we have left. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“The irony
is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more
acceptable, BUT our wholeness and even our wholeheartedness actually depends on
the integration of ALL our experiences, including the falls.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And then I was going to read out <a href="https://brenebrown.com/downloads/">Brene Brown's Manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted: </a></span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is no greater threat to the critics </span></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and cynics and fear-mongers </span></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">than those of us who are willing to fall</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">because we have learned how to rise</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">With skinned knees and bruised hearts;</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">we choose owning our stories of struggle,</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we we deny our stories, they define us. </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we run from struggle, we are never free.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We will not be characters in our stories.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are the authors of our lives.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We write out own daring endings.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We craft love from heartbreak.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">compassion from shame,</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">grace from disappointment,</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">courage from failure.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Showing up is our power.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Story is our way home. Truth is our song.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are the brave and brokenhearted.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We are rising strong. </span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thank-you.</span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">[anticipated applause].</span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Questions and group discussion. </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">:-) Thanks for reading it. I hope I get to present it. I even had ideas to modify it for non-profit care providing agencies and public school teachers. Stupid covid and global pandemics. </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></o:p></span></div>
pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-32337107594392100612020-03-27T06:58:00.001-07:002020-04-10T06:33:36.110-07:00An open letter to kinship and foster parents and group care staff<br />
Dear___[your first name here]____,<br />
<br />
I see how hard you are working to not lose your cool. I hear that you have lost your cool. I know how hard that first week was: How much school work needs to get done? How can you get more vitamin-rich food into your picky eaters? How can you find a minute to grab a shower? How do you explain Coronavirus and Pandemic to a child who suddenly lost their family visit this week? What about all those field trips and outings that were planned? How does video technology work and what device can be used?<br />
<br />
How do keep the group home clean when there is a 13 yo AWOL'ing every night and returning every morning? How do you keep up with the changing demands when the routines of your group home were turned upside down literally overnight. You have staff away sick and your throat feels scratchy and the new cleaning regime is a full-time job to itself. How will you get through this?<br />
<br />
And that's on top of you trying to <a href="http://pointonthepath.blogspot.com/2020/03/ambiguous-loss-al.html">make meaning out of the things you suddenly just lost </a>because we landed in the <a href="http://pointonthepath.blogspot.com/2020/03/counseling-in-age-of-social-distance.html">Age of Physical Distancing </a>and also support other important people in your life.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-CA"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-CA">As many of you are aware, <b>scared and stressed adults scare children.</b> The sense of safety for all of us is compromised by the pandemic. You are now in the unique situation of being The Central Adult who these scared and stressed children are looking to as a way to figure out how to respond. Even though the service team of case managers, family wellness workers, youth workers and therapists are here for you, it's suddenly only over the phone or by video call. I know it's not really enough. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
The children and youth we work with are highly sensitive to stress from adults in their environment and of course, that translates to their own nervous system acting in fight/ flight or collapse. Co-regulation depends on the adult finding their calm response and setting that tone with the child.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-CA">One of the most effective things caregivers can do is take two minutes to sit, close your eyes, breathe a few deep breaths and bring the activation of your own nervous system down some. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span lang="EN-CA">Consider implementing a morning routine with yoga or meditation. If you encounter resistance, set-up an option for kids to be away from the group, but close enough to observe. Young teens might buck it, but many will welcome it. These kinds of relaxing techniques provide soothing and some will benefit from it greatly and perhaps use it for the rest of their lives. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
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<span lang="EN-CA">These are unusual times indeed, but it’s hard for me not to consider that this is also our time to shine as a dominantly compassionate species. Front line caregivers are such an important and unrecognized support to these vulnerable children and youth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">My wish for you is that you will move past the cycle of heightened response- collapse and feel your feet on the ground and be able to take a breath. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">I see how hard you are working- often understaffed and over-stressed. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">I appreciate your hard work on behalf of the kids who don’t know how to thank you.</span><br />
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Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you~ from all of the children and youth and from me.</div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Warmly, </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Heather </span></div>
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<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-49908516755739467222020-03-27T06:43:00.002-07:002020-03-27T08:24:47.835-07:00Cancelled Conferences and Front LinesThis morning I should be standing in front of a large group of social workers at the Alberta College of Social Workers presenting: Shame Resilience for Social Workers. I was excited and scared to do this and disappointed and relieved when the conference was cancelled in the name of Physical Distancing.<br />
<br />
I first gave the talk in April 2017 to the BSW Supervisor's during their end of year appreciation luncheon. Leanne Hilsen, from the Faculty of Social Work at U of C, Edmonton Division asked me to do it and it was an unpaid gig. She introduced me to the work of Vikki Reynold's a kick-ass social worker from Vancouver. Vikki was supposed to be the key note speaker of the conference this morning. There was a 'come full circle' feeling that didn't get to complete itself. There is a weird dissatisfaction from that open end. I hope to complete it.<br />
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When I gave the talk in 2017 I was mostly talking to people who didn't directly work with people receiving services- they were supervisors and a handful of professors and we were on Saskatchewan Drive upstairs at the Faculty Club- far away from the proverbial front lines. And social workers were feeling good- we had an NDP government and a handful of our own Registered Social Workers in power! Life was good! And when I talked about our collective professional struggles including the political, I'm not sure if they could relate.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to September 2019 when I wrote up the proposal to re-do this talk for a larger social work audience-- the UCP were in power and delaying their budget until after the federal election in October. I started to prepare the talk as the budget of deep cuts were announced, unions and others were organizing and we were all noticing the chasm between those of us who remember the Klein years of the 1990's and those who only knew the stories. The divided world of Alberta politics versus social justice and human rights was flared.<br />
<br />
And then COVID. Or Fucking Covid (FC) as I like to call it.<br />
<br />
We need the shame resilience more than ever. There are so many "front lines" now. And we are paying attention to them in top priority and missing some of the many other important ones. Right now we are preparing for the physical disease- as we should be-- and health care truly is the front line. And we recognize the front line of 'essential services' as never before: grocery store staff, pharmacies, store cleaners, delivery people and the trucking industry. These are so important! These are all about the physical necessities and staying alive.<br />
<br />
There are social and economic implications to this virus that we are only seeing the ice berg tip of right now because we are in early days. We see the 'front line' of services to the most vulnerable people- in Edmonton that's the shelter set-up at the Expo Centre for people without a place to call 'home'. And the social workers and other community workers who are risking their own health to show up for those in need.<br />
<br />
And we have the Federal government staff who working to get Canadians financial benefits as soon as possible. They are creating and rolling out a brand new benefit on the fly within only a few weeks.<br />
<br />
The front line I see are the kinship care providers, foster parents, child and youth care counselors and case managers who are continuing to provide services to the children who are out of parental care. These vulnerable children are sensitive to the stress of adults, acting out or inward when their environment triggers them. As FC (remember, that's Fucking Covid) drifts further into our communities, these people continue to care for the children under circumstances much more difficult than normal.<br />
<br />
So many homes were set-up to function well WITH community supports- school, respite weekends, rec centre passes, therapy and other professional support, FAMILY visits. These same children with their sensitive stress response systems have lost any bits of life that helped to calm and regulate them. (An entire post could be dedicated to the losses of these vulnerable children and the impact of temporarily losing family visits.)<br />
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No one has a contract with Children's Services that says they agree to quarantine with the children in their home or group care facility.<br />
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And until recently none of these agencies and homes had a "Pandemic Policy."<br />
<br />
And now with FC, these front line caregivers are going ahead and trying to adapt to a new reality. We don't know how it is going in all the homes of all the families who are now inside with their children, but <u>we do hold a higher standard for the foster parents and group care staff to ensure that these vulnerable children are cared for. These are unpreceden</u><u>ted circumstances and they are working beyond the role they ever agreed to take on.</u><br />
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And this is where we need shame resilience more than ever. When our nervous system is activated and collapsing though the early days of trying to find our way into this new way of being, we will make mistakes. And when we do, can we be kind to ourselves and know that our best (even when we don't have a lot) is in fact enough? To keep trying is our goal NOT getting it right every time. I will say more about this when I get to writing up the workshop I am not presenting today.<br />
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I'll stop here for now. Feel free to write your thoughts from your perspective and experience about the front lines you see, are experiencing or appreciate.<br />
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<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-12504913220388670912020-03-21T07:20:00.001-07:002020-03-27T08:31:12.024-07:00Ambiguous Loss (AL)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJhUJCXVnnND0YqAZ-Vn62vCVQC2-UElIBxcCf6fQnX-lwEiuuMocrvhKIbQekK1Y2rsoYvmuyAZwcaGGfMLkw8ByyycXOy1JMbbKPMYZCmU3nJaa1q0sSHXdrDC0z6S222gXz1G7FZxQ/s1600/rainy+window.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="844" data-original-width="1500" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJhUJCXVnnND0YqAZ-Vn62vCVQC2-UElIBxcCf6fQnX-lwEiuuMocrvhKIbQekK1Y2rsoYvmuyAZwcaGGfMLkw8ByyycXOy1JMbbKPMYZCmU3nJaa1q0sSHXdrDC0z6S222gXz1G7FZxQ/s320/rainy+window.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I don't want to write about this. Maybe I should have started with writing about "resistance". I feel a lot of resistance this weekend. And I'm cranky and sad and just slightly self-pitying. Are you with me yet?<br />
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I have SO much to be grateful for, but I will not shame myself for having feelings about losing my "normal life" (AL #1).<br />
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Until Sunday evening I was planning to have a modified-in-cleaning, but still regular-work-week.<br />
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And then they closed the schools.<br />
Shit.<br />
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I had planned that when the schools closed I would stop seeing people in my lovely office space. (I love sharing my office space- it's warm and cozy and I try my best to make it comfortable above all else. AL #2)<br />
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So quickly and under high stress I started to figure out video platforms for Tuesday morning while seeing the last of my in-person adults and rearrange my quickly changing calendar.<br />
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People also planning on "normal life" up and until Sunday evening cancelled their appointments. The mom coming to tell me about her family's mental health needs and begin some counseling services left a voice mail saying "I just don't have the mental space to talk about what I was coming in to talk about." (Yeah, I hear ya. Of course. No problem.)<br />
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And as my calendar started to fill up with the red bar of "cancelled" across the top of each session, I could feel my mobilized social worker heart move into decisive and concrete action: find a video platform; join groups related to telehealth counseling on social media; consider briefly ethical issues of secure platforms being down and decide some needed the counseling session more than they needed me to say, "I'm actually not allowed to use Facetime for mental health-type services." Ok, go- crisis mode. Mental health triage.<br />
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Intermittently I would struggle to keep the problem-solving part of brain going in the face of so many moving pieces and problems to solve. I had SO many lists of what needed to be done to adjust to this new reality. I know many of you did too.<br />
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By Wednesday I had figured out what device and located where in my office would work best for talking comfortably with the 'normal' visual distance of an in-person session. (The answer is the art table with a lap top on the top of a sticker basket.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuYF9ubAzOa21rkddCdbRUSBh1by2EibtRCpfwEtXyjtj9XK2frkE8WFL8EYkxcXgyDDuj7kBzk1D0BbZVGkhqAz1tCs4IQJoh_5z0gkvakdC4ipRKxOEVF-tgfwCyKKJTr2fZ1sjBaE8/s1600/Early+days+desk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="867" data-original-width="1156" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuYF9ubAzOa21rkddCdbRUSBh1by2EibtRCpfwEtXyjtj9XK2frkE8WFL8EYkxcXgyDDuj7kBzk1D0BbZVGkhqAz1tCs4IQJoh_5z0gkvakdC4ipRKxOEVF-tgfwCyKKJTr2fZ1sjBaE8/s320/Early+days+desk.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
And it was strange to hold space that way, but my social worker-therapist heart was committed. I wanted to be present for child and adult clients alike. I'm primarily child-led in my practice philosophy and it's a funny thing to keep up and nudge us along in video sessions. My young client went to her family's art area and started painting. (OK! I will paint too. Show me how you blend colors and I'll give it a try. Let's hold up our pictures.)<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8V2ob0GoEWfBwnAvTmKZF-EdwUo5c248XKolM7EcjUsYgHt8RdBi_2Bb_KAYyBSTk07RJ5Z2APijrRgytCaFal2ZTi4ZLRAFzuP120pQxpyDXYNSULe4R_Yjh31MaNpaw0FmamKZcseo/s1600/painting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="795" data-original-width="1059" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8V2ob0GoEWfBwnAvTmKZF-EdwUo5c248XKolM7EcjUsYgHt8RdBi_2Bb_KAYyBSTk07RJ5Z2APijrRgytCaFal2ZTi4ZLRAFzuP120pQxpyDXYNSULe4R_Yjh31MaNpaw0FmamKZcseo/s320/painting.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
I felt so strangely tired after only a few video sessions in a row. I read from other therapists later, that we are straining harder to be present and attune when we are doing it across the screen. That made sense to me. My whole body was tight with focus different from in-person sessions where I am intentionally relaxing my body.<br />
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And that might be ambiguous loss #3, understanding the workings of my own internal sensations. Stephen Proges coined the term interoception to name this sense. I am highly practiced at looking inward and knowing where my conscious mind is relative to the situation and my emotional state; how my body is feeling and what I need or do not need.<br />
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BUT this week! What is that feeling?! And that one? WTF! I don't like that!<br />
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(Thank goodness for sessions-- when I focus on being present for someone else, that is still a familiar feeling even with the changed medium. Stay present and with the internal world and words of the person with you. Got it. Check!)<br />
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But the in-between times it's being overwhelmed with concern and frozen at the same time. It's feeling stuck and not even quite sure what list needs to be made. Its knowing I want to act, but feeling completely stuck in how to take the smallest step. In a phrase, it's activation and collapse.<br />
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These are not normal times. And my body responded as it was meant to-- for survival. Being overwhelmed to a certain degree will move us to be mobilized BUT only for so long in duration or intensity and then we move on to immobilization/ collapse. This is the foundation of Porges Polyvagal Theory. My experience was intense energy spent to be present in video sessions, writing emails and making phone calls and then at the end of the day, collapse.<br />
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My typical work evening routine includes sitting in my favorite chair with a tea tray and watching something neutral or funny on Netflix or other media. I often listen to music and write depending on what I am feeling or need. This week, I was completely unable to have any sensation in my ears or eyes at night. I couldn't find comfort in a show or a song because I couldn't tolerate the stimulus. So strange. (AL #4- comfort activities). Oh! That hits a nerve! How many of you have lost routine comfort activities- gym, rec centre, swimming pool, social outings, window shopping, cafe sitting? Yikes! Everyone of us is feeling that!<br />
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That's my view. What's yours? What hard-to-define and lost-without-closure-or-meaning-making loss are you feeling? You're welcome to comment from your own perspective about your own experiences if you would like. Be nice, of course. We're all in this together, friends.<br />
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<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-15520942237855118062020-03-20T11:55:00.001-07:002020-03-27T08:27:20.827-07:00Feeling Safe<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px;"><b>Help people feel safe and you will change the world.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">-Stephen Porges. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have been really focused on safety
and what it means to feel safe. I was talking about this in the last several
months after finding polyvagal theory and its application to children living
out of parental care. Many of the people I see are children involved with
Children's Services. In the case of many of these children, they have been
neglected to different degrees and witnessed violence and intoxication. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Their brains have adapted for
survival first. They do not have the same trajectory of brain and holistic
development as a child who has been raised in a felt sense of safety. For these
kids, their brains are so adapted to survival, that even when they are moved to
a safe home they don't immediately feel safe. It can take months of stability
and predictability and caregivers in small moments of therapeutic intervention
and providing corrective experiences for the trajectory to shift a few degrees
into a new direction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And what happens when all of their
adults begin to feel unsafe? These children are like the proverbial canary in
the coal mine. They will respond faster than others to the sense of tension in
the air. And the air is full of tension this week- especially in larger group care facilities. It's a steep learning curve with information changing daily.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">We humans in the Western world are
not used to high and on-going levels of uncertainty and safety. The exceptions
are plenty and these kids I described are the example. For most of us though we
have multiple places where we feel relatively safe. For example, maybe work is challenging,
and your supervisor is mean, but when you go home to your
children or partner or you go to the gym you feel safe. You see people you know
and you re-set through small or significant social interactions. We feel better
about our self when we have social relationships that mirror the best aspects
of our self. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Now, we are all home. We are all
feeling unsafe and tense- intermittently between feeling calm enough,
distracted or simply numbed out. When our nervous systems have been activated
and we can no longer sustain that level of activation we collapse. Likely many
of us are hopping between activated and collapse. At least the people I've been
speaking to who are juggling uncertainty on multiple fronts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So how do we find a way to become
safe again. Is it okay to feel safe when we are (in that moment) in fact safe?
How do I help my body know that it is safe? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">First, remember you deserve to care
for yourself as much as anyone else deserves your care. Next find two minutes
and a quiet place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Close your eyes and imagine a place
that is calming for you. By the ocean or lake on your last vacation... or in
the woods or maybe swimming lengths at the pool. Any place you have experienced
as feeling calm and safe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Take a few deep breaths. Don't worry
about counting. Just begin to slow your breath- each time going more slowly--
inhale, hold and exhale. If you feel drawn to taking long breaths and holding
longer and exhaling longer, do that. If it is harder to take your breath out of
your chest and into your belly, breathe as deeply as you can. No shame. No
judgement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Feel your feet on the ground.
Imagine there are roots coming from the bottoms of your feet. With every exhale
you can breathe out through the bottom of the feet and release any tension…down
down…. down from the bottoms of your feet and into the earth. Allow the earth
to take that energy to recycle it into something else. You can let go of
anything you no longer need to hold on to. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Allow yourself to stay in this state
for a few minutes. Give thanks to what or who moves you to do that and tell
yourself: </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I'm doing the best that I can and that is enough. </b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The last thing any of us need at this time is
shame and judgement. Shame is frequently the emotion that fuels the anxiety/
stress/ feeling of </span>unsafe.<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> We are all in this together. We are all worthy of
love and belonging. We all deserve support and to be seen for a human who is
trying their best in these interesting times. </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Take care friends. </div>
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-83115037057398096612020-03-20T10:56:00.000-07:002020-03-27T08:29:13.695-07:00Counseling in the age of physical distance<div>
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I feel like the Italians I watched on video last week-- they are in isolation talking to the "me from 10-days ago". And here we are 8 days since large events were cancelled and 5 days since the schools, libraries and rec centres closed. </div>
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I'm not going to lose my job. In fact my job just got busier and more complex for not only the next several weeks as we are isolating, but for the next several years. It's hard for most people to see how far into the future the long-term social implications will reach. So many families rely on separation into different daytime activities; the use of recreation centres, lessons, the public library for managing the fabric of their family life. And my feminist allies know, the brunt of the mental and emotional work will fall to the women. </div>
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And that's where telehealth on-line counseling comes in. You don't need to struggle and suffer alone. We all require someone to help us make sense of our experience and when our go-to friends are also struggling, it can be hard to feel there is space for our issues.<br />
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Consider reaching out to arrange a video counseling session. It can help you vent, have your emotional states and thoughts untangled and reflected back for you to decide their meaning and help you to re-group and start again. There are rougher seas ahead (as much as I don't want to admit that) and you don't need to sail alone.<br />
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-17660816267773344922017-08-08T18:14:00.004-07:002017-08-10T08:26:44.326-07:00Self-Acceptance: The North Star of Personal Work<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; mso-line-height-alt: 15.0pt; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">You can search throughout the entire
universe for someone who is </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">more deserving</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">of
your love and affection </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">than you</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;"> are yourself, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">and </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">that person is
not to be found</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;"> anywhere.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">You yourself,</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">as much
as anybody </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">in
the entire universe </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">deserve your love and affection</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">~</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: left;">Buddha</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 13.5pt;">I love this quote. "You... as much as anybody...deserve your love and affection." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Self-acceptance is the ability to, on one hand,
hold our struggle, our imperfect messy human-ness AND on
the other hand, hold the recognition that this is where we are right now. It is
a recognition of our efforts and a loving compassion for our human self who is
struggling. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">As soon as we struggle without self-acceptance, we are likely to judge
ourselves and fall into the shame pit. Judging, as in assessing and checking
ourselves, is not without it's merits of course. As grown adults we should be
able to take a moment and take stock of our behavior in any given situation,
own up to our mistakes, take responsibility and move on. That's not what I mean
when I talk about judging ourselves. This is the process I mean: </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Struggle (no self-acceptance) --> </span><span style="font-size: large;">judge like the harshest
critic--> feel like shit ---> act like an ass/ be mean.</span></div>
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When we judge our self through the struggle, we are in the shame
pit. We will most likely do one of two things: treat our self like shit or
treat someone close by like shit. That's what I mean when I say, "act like
an ass/be mean". (Yeah, some topics require swearing.)</div>
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Taking a moment to take stock of our behavior can still occur WITH
self-acceptance. It actually won't be very productive if we are taking stock of
our behavior and judging it like the harshest critic. <b><i>This is
how it works when we are a struggling as a messy imperfect human AND hold some
self-acceptance. </i></b></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i style="text-align: left;">First,</i><span style="text-align: left;"> I struggle. I snap at my partner, I cut someone off in
traffic, I harshly dismiss a child. (These are all immediate behavior examples,
but you can use larger and harder struggles and it still works.) </span></div>
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<i>Second,</i> I see I'm struggling and I say something like: "Ahh,
look at me acting like a messy imperfect human." Maybe I can see myself
with a little compassion and a little critical awareness. For example,
"I'm feeling so <u>frustrated or left out or unheard</u> by <u>that
interaction earlier</u>. I don't feel able to continue with my responsibilities
(deal with said partner/ traffic/ child etc) and I want to just rest and
reflect a little. This is hard. I'm struggling."<br />
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This is the <i>MAGIC STEP</i> and it actually has three sub-steps. </div>
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1. AWARENESS: an active decision is made beforehand to be aware of my feelings/ behaviors with an open curiosity. </div>
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2. PAUSE: I catch my self in the struggle and take a moment. </div>
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3. RECOGNITION: I see what the struggle is (as in, the feelings and behaviors) and I name it. </div>
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<i>Third,</i> I touch the place that's just below the struggle. I feel the
tears well up or the long exhale. I find what is below the struggle and I hold
my Self with a little reverence and compassion. "I'm trying. I am doing
the best that I can. What can I let go of for right now so I can meet my needs
for few moments?" </div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Fourth</i>, I can take care of my Self. I can see the unmet needs of the
child or adolescent within. Maybe I need a tender touch from someone who loves
me or maybe I need some solitude or a sense of freedom or fun. Can I meet
this need in a small way right now? Can I look at how to get some
long-forgotten needs met on a regular basis? </div>
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<i>THEN, fifth. </i>I can take stock of my behavior and take responsibility.
I can return to my partner or child and apologize. I can remember to let
someone in next time there is heavy traffic. This is where the 'judging as-in
assessing' comes in-- after self-acceptance. It's the only way to avoid the shame-pit.<br />
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But before you begin to tell yourself how unworthy you are because you
just can't find your way to hold self-acceptance through struggle, let me say: This is a North star philosophy. Self-acceptance<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnFPJKmYEMk_0LZNSc80FhZxjZyFrk7vF6bctn1vvN6qcVby9qxm0paub06PEniN2jylNoudbs1gs_HzfU_gKLveTWhhdJZueZaoYLgjG7apr94vVNYue2FHS5EuqSXmAy7IyMve3CYMA/s1600/Full+quote+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="651" data-original-width="1460" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnFPJKmYEMk_0LZNSc80FhZxjZyFrk7vF6bctn1vvN6qcVby9qxm0paub06PEniN2jylNoudbs1gs_HzfU_gKLveTWhhdJZueZaoYLgjG7apr94vVNYue2FHS5EuqSXmAy7IyMve3CYMA/s320/Full+quote+2.png" width="320" /></a></div>
through struggle, sits like the
North Star in the sky. We will know if we are facing towards it or if we are
facing away from it, but its not about reaching it. We don't reach an enlightened place of self-acceptance that feels like rainbows and sunshine and then call it a day. [Dusts hands] "Good, I can cross self-acceptance off my list!" <br />
<br />
Self-acceptance is a
cultivation and a practice. We move in the direction of self-acceptance.
We face that way. We look for and find the North star even on the darkest
nights and that is what self-acceptance does for us. It provides a
direction within the dark times of struggle, self-loathing and despair. To be human is to struggle. There are always problems of some kind to move through. Finding the North star of self-acceptance in the struggle, that is the key to avoiding a fall into the shame pit.</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: left;">Self-acceptance is something that we all long for. Our desire for it is so deep
that we often look for it from outside our self. However, acceptance from
others can never exceed the extent that we can accept our Self and so we must
start there. </span></div>
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Warmly yours,</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
Heather.<br />
<br />
<a href="mailto:Heather@pointonthepath.com">Heather@pointonthepath.com</a><br />
<a href="http://www.pointonthepath.com/">www.pointonthe</a><a href="http://www.pointonthepath.com/">path.com</a><br />
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-31237393322670471932017-06-20T16:48:00.002-07:002017-06-20T17:11:54.037-07:00Adaption to pain & the integration of Self<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgokGJ5mdNdZwdsFbmg45TpHFy1zzq6UIxAR39Aa6doTTHnCwNwy2KWX3re65JibVF4OYkPwobhKusAU4Qsety4g6F7zYAAUM5uKWvldAl54bKcucvkE1YRcIGDnqmGVlW_F-2sE6X9RCw/s1600/Rainbow_brain%252C_Aug_2014.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="420" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgokGJ5mdNdZwdsFbmg45TpHFy1zzq6UIxAR39Aa6doTTHnCwNwy2KWX3re65JibVF4OYkPwobhKusAU4Qsety4g6F7zYAAUM5uKWvldAl54bKcucvkE1YRcIGDnqmGVlW_F-2sE6X9RCw/s200/Rainbow_brain%252C_Aug_2014.png" width="175" /></a></div>
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Humans are adaptive animals. For 200,000 years we have evolved to maximize our chance of survival. So much of our brain is devoted to surviving. We have had a very short history of doing more than surviving. It's only been recently that people question their happiness. As creatures who have survived this long, we have become very good at adapting to changing circumstances and very Hard Times. When each of us go through Hard Times, we find ways to cope. Initially a very good survival mechanism is to take what has happened and put it behind us. We move on to the next thing or taking care of any of the fallout of the Hard Times. This ability to take what happened and put it behind us is a kind of compartmentalization. It's adaptive. For example, if you are a small child watching your parents shout at each other or seeing physical violence between your care giving adults, you wait for the storm to calm and then you move on. Is your mom happy now? No. Okay, what can you do to fix it? Happy now? Ok, good. Move on. Put that scary event behind you. This compartmentalization is adaptive-- necessary for the child to survive in the family.<br />
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If a Hard Time happens and a Trusted Adult comes in to help you sort out your feelings and validates your perception, you may have a different way of understanding and processing the experience. It might not be a Hard Time because there were Trusted Adults to help. In my experience, this rarely occurs. The norm is that the child is meant to follow the family cycle and pretend everything is normal even when nothing feels normal. "We're good now, right? Ok, move on."</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrdr3O7948QQ2QjKx9d6a7ZCvIg-yve1C9TdxgJYIkRE36oBL6PGRrn5xHsYt-laxRBL04oaE6GLbvpKnOabPo0ycpk2ty2VIsQsfvOs2P4G-EfJ_87BbDjQC1iXIarWwi6rGzX0JQxFQ/s1600/2016-07-30+14.27.08.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="671" data-original-width="1001" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrdr3O7948QQ2QjKx9d6a7ZCvIg-yve1C9TdxgJYIkRE36oBL6PGRrn5xHsYt-laxRBL04oaE6GLbvpKnOabPo0ycpk2ty2VIsQsfvOs2P4G-EfJ_87BbDjQC1iXIarWwi6rGzX0JQxFQ/s200/2016-07-30+14.27.08.jpg" width="200" /></a>And so the child moves on. The brain allows that Hard Time event to be put in a box and put behind us and we move forward... until one day there is so much behind us, it may be hard to move forward. </div>
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How do you possibly unpack that closet of hazardous material created through the unprocessed Hard Times?<br />
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What most "adaptive" adults will do is try to numb it out. </div>
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Numbing looks like: keeping busy; never slowing down; drinking too much; spending too much; trying to control all the little things in life; being critical; watching a lot of TV; hiding in a room away from the people you live with; having a small life, but wanting more....and a multitude of other behaviors done to excess and with little pleasure. Numbing is about managing the pain of emotions that would otherwise arise. </div>
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Numbing is an "adaptive" way to survive. It prevents the emotional pain from coming up. We worry that if we didn't numb, the naturally arising feelings would overwhelm us or others. We worry that the feelings could have violent consequences and we could hurt ourselves or others. <b><i>Numbing is a natural response to having experienced Hard Times without the guidance and care of Trusted Adults. </i></b></div>
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The thing is, numbing is survival. It's not living. It's not creating. It's not fully loving! </div>
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This is where intervention starts. </div>
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Same story of Hard Times: the small child who watched their parents shouting at each other or witnessed physical violence only needs to be collected. She only needs a little recognition of her needs. He only needs some validation of his feelings. <i><b>The child inside is the resilient and soft part of the person who learned to adapt.</b></i> What an amazing gift! That child kept herself safe through Hard Times. That child found ways to please the adults and try to smooth over tension to find peace. That child was strong, but now it's time for that child inside to be cared for.</div>
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Spirit is found in the care. Spirit is found in the resilience. Spirit is found in the bigger, stronger, wiser part of yourself who can show up in a kind manner for that child. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2jGg-ibNj1cLDcNcguDgyUi1PqeKkFOYcpa75EL00KvL1rKqU8X0i7LZp_aSPSPIUwO9aVlbkJvngLpR8dgalZ2DQkkm3pEu0nSS7Vl3QmMeZubrUVtc27FmBYEpTeYybrZsWOHfYREA/s1600/Wholeness-big.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2jGg-ibNj1cLDcNcguDgyUi1PqeKkFOYcpa75EL00KvL1rKqU8X0i7LZp_aSPSPIUwO9aVlbkJvngLpR8dgalZ2DQkkm3pEu0nSS7Vl3QmMeZubrUVtc27FmBYEpTeYybrZsWOHfYREA/s640/Wholeness-big.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Adaptation is about survival. Spirit is about integration of the parts of Self and coming into a place of wholeness. This is the path of healing: Moving from pain (which requires numbing) and suffering (the internal struggle to get through until numbing can occur) to integrated wholeness.</div>
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<b><i>Counseling is the facilitated process of healing where the counselor is the Trusted Adult there to help the child process the feelings. </i></b>The healing process allows for the collection of the child left behind and the reclamation of the whole Self. In my way of thinking, <b><i>the Whole Self is the place of spirit.</i></b> It is the re-claiming of our selves as spiritual-humans as we transcend and integrate all the parts of self. To me, this is the journey and the purpose of life! <b><i>Perhaps the greatest adventure you'll ever have will be completely inside your Self. </i></b></div>
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-75630167371990420552017-06-20T13:33:00.000-07:002017-06-20T13:41:24.960-07:00You can search...<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 7.5pt; mso-line-height-alt: 15.0pt; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 20pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 20pt;">You can search throughout the entire
universe for someone</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 22pt;">who is </span><u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "lucida calligraphy"; font-size: 20pt;">more deserving</span></u><u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 22pt;"> </span></u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 22pt;">of your love and affection <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "lucida calligraphy"; font-size: 20pt;">than you</span></u><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 22pt;"> are yourself, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 22pt;">and <b>that person is not to be found</b> anywhere. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "harrington"; font-size: 24pt;">You yourself,</span></i></b><b><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "harrington"; font-size: 22pt;"> </span></b><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 22pt;">as much as anybody <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "cambria" , serif; font-size: 22pt;">in the entire universe </span><b><i><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "harrington"; font-size: 22pt;">deserve your love and affection</span></i></b><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 22pt;">.</span><b><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "harrington"; font-size: 22pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 22.0pt;">~</span><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 22pt;">Buddha</span></span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "helvetica" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 22.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-70370719752612743662017-06-17T13:15:00.001-07:002017-06-18T16:22:02.878-07:00The messy spiral of Self-growth<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB41L9BufD16jJwgJBlyL-p4b5yVXOQLpOUP3O8lb9wSfnQQcZhte71mYlyJvG4K4XoNizqk6QVU4hjEp0ReHIQbtvBozQaP7GeZ_YmF1mcldKPdmGROm5G5Eg30JHqelZSvo6sn23yuo/s1600/2017-05-09+22.15.54.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1580" data-original-width="1600" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB41L9BufD16jJwgJBlyL-p4b5yVXOQLpOUP3O8lb9wSfnQQcZhte71mYlyJvG4K4XoNizqk6QVU4hjEp0ReHIQbtvBozQaP7GeZ_YmF1mcldKPdmGROm5G5Eg30JHqelZSvo6sn23yuo/s200/2017-05-09+22.15.54.jpg" width="200" /></a>The spiral is a scared nature-based image. I'm using it here as a framework for understanding how we move through higher states of consciousness by revisiting core issues.<br />
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-align: center;">I drew a picture (below)-- my first time trying this so it's a bit rough! This is the teaching of the spiral. We start at the bottom. The first X represents that point of feeling alone or in pain related to some core issue of the Self. In previous blogs, I've described the </span><a href="https://pointonthepath.blogspot.ca/2011/01/empowerment-of-people.html" style="text-align: center;">shape</a><span style="text-align: center;"> and </span><a href="https://pointonthepath.blogspot.ca/2012/04/shame-invisible-gremlin.html" style="text-align: center;">shame</a>. <span style="text-align: center;">This starting point is the place of this core shape/ shame issue.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrELXz8e2gLTWGXAgdd7Wg2yhVEtv-mOcdDilXSnkhWyULY2N58WBfnXd6IXjshdNwQshV96NwgyPOL3Tny2XTGj3Z8Zdhz1GIEn3Muu2i0x9lMeYRNSo4XAOw38fLhNeRMXyF3PcvP1o/s1600/Spiral.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="864" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrELXz8e2gLTWGXAgdd7Wg2yhVEtv-mOcdDilXSnkhWyULY2N58WBfnXd6IXjshdNwQshV96NwgyPOL3Tny2XTGj3Z8Zdhz1GIEn3Muu2i0x9lMeYRNSo4XAOw38fLhNeRMXyF3PcvP1o/s640/Spiral.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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We find some way of significantly moving away from this pain. We seek out some counseling or use body-based treatments; learn meditation; work on our pain through art or writing. There is some intervention that moves us far enough away from this pain that we feel like we left it behind in some way. We may even have the relaxed experience of "ahhhh...." in the exhale of relief of our understanding. At this point in managing a core issue, we will feel like we're done. [dusts palms together] "Glad I figured that out!" (We can be a bit arrogant at this stage.)<br />
<br />
What happens though, as you will see by reading the points on the spiral from the bottom to the top, is that we circle back into a core issue. We will feel like we're exactly where we were before-- in the pain that is represented by all the points on the left hand side of the spiral. There will be some event or interaction or relationship that will push at our core issue or move us into that shape we worked to release and we will be shocked: "How can I be here again? I<i> solved</i> this issue."<br />
<br />
In fact though, we can never really return to the same point. We are always at a new place of increased consciousness and understanding Self. It will feel like a familiar misery, but it is different. The spiral shows us that we are not in a circle or a repetitive pattern if we are moving toward an increased understanding. Sure, it may feel like a continuous loop, but it likely isn't as much of one as it feels (1). Every time we circle back to the left side, we gain new understandings and insights and so move upwards toward the right. Each level of the spiral is a new level of consciousness and understanding of the Self.<br />
<br />
Recently someone I love very much had a significant event occur. I thought I had done so much work on my own core issue: 'filling needs for others when I have my own unmet needs', but in one rug-pulled-out-from-under-me event, I felt like I was back in a place from many years ago. I couldn't see my own needs. I didn't have my own boundaries. I was a mushy mess without clarity working overtime to care for others beyond what was expected or needed.The overtime work extended beyond the person I loved and went out everywhere. I was back in my shape and reacting to the world the way I did a long time ago.<br />
<br />
I found some trusted helpers (our own stuff is at the end of our nose; we all need trusted people to help sort it out) and I began to pull my Self back together. In the process, I was able to find my self-compassion again and s l o w down and meet my own need: <b>to admit my struggle, show my vulnerability and express my emotions.</b> I understood (again!) that I am the one who makes space for me. The people who love me want me to make space for my Self. It's me who, in the most pain-filled moments, will default to staying small and working on behalf of others to my detriment. I know that staying small and denying my own needs is a form of self-harm. As much as anyone, I deserve my love, care and compassion.<br />
<br />
This latest turn around the spiral has led me to greater understandings and allowed me to take even bigger <a href="https://pointonthepath.blogspot.ca/2010/11/">risks in being real</a>. This is the path. We are messy imperfect humans and it's our human experience that gives us the best material for cultivating spiritual growth. It's not about avoiding pain; it's about the transformation of that pain into greater understandings and higher levels of consciousness.<br />
<br />
Heather.<br />
<br />
(1) If your experience truly feels like a circle, then you are idling at the point of the first X- <a href="https://pointonthepath.blogspot.ca/2012/08/">doing loops in one spot-</a>and you haven't yet begun on the spiral. Your work is to find the first step to change-- come in for counseling and we'll get you on your way. You can also dig deep on your own and seek out others if things become too clouded-- but get off the circle and into greater understanding.<br />
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<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-16121140214434984992015-05-04T13:46:00.000-07:002017-06-17T11:59:21.930-07:00How to Manifest<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
There are
many words that become misconstrued over time due to misuse. Manifest
definitely falls into that category. The way I understand the term manifest
directly relates to how to create one's reality. From my own experience, I know
that what is happening externally to me (my experience of reality) is based on
what is happening internally (my emotional reality).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I caution
that in my way of thinking, I don't buy into victim blaming. Shit happens. Bad
shit happens to good people. Nothing of value comes from saying to a person
that they caused their cancer or their car accident. Or that there must be<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>a reason</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>they called the cancer or the car
accident into their lives. No.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<i>It's
about understanding the blocks that created a dam and skewed the path. What are
the blocks that prevent your life from flowing easily? Let’s look at those.</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
When a
little baby is born, it is born without shame or apology. A baby is a little
drop of spirit-life who spits-up and poops and without knowing they should
apologize for having such human needs. As the little drop of spirit-life grows,
the world (via parents) soon teaches them that they do in fact need to mold
their self around expectations. This is an experience that their value of
belonging is contingent on their rearranging their Self to meet the needs of
others. This harsh reality is the beginning of internalizing: "something
is wrong with me!" The implicit messages become internalized: I need to be
a certain way to have value. Don't cry too much. Don't have big feelings.
Don’t be __[fill in the blank]___ or I won’t be accepted. Don’t have needs that
are inconvenient for others. And so we grow from the unashamed little drop of
spirit into a shame-based human.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Some of
the messages that lead to this idea of needing to mold around people, to the
point of denying our own Self, include:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
-Productivity
leads to personal value (you are of no value on your own sitting around, you
have to <i>do</i> something)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
-There is
a lack in the world: don't take up to much space; don't take too much food;
don't be too loud. Stay small. (Brene Brown refers to this idea as the culture
of scarcity.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
-There is
suffering… and an obligation to keep going anyway. Life sucks. Suck it up. Keep
going.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
-Meet the
needs of others even it means your needs aren't met.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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You can
argue about whether you got these messages growing up or not. You can probably
relate to a couple of them. There are unique messages you got in your family,
too. These messages are both explicit and implicit through an adult’s responses
to events in life or from your observation of family relationships.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
How do
any of us know who we are without the mirror of relationships to show us? Our
first mirror is our family of origin. The way we are looked at from the
beginning, is how we grow to see ourselves. Our self-talk grows out of the way
we were talked to early in life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Let's use
a more extreme situation for the purpose of example. A child raised by a
depressed mother or a violent father is going to carry messages of: "I'm
not good enough"; “The world is unsafe"; "I can't trust that
I'll be okay." As this child grows, the messages might become less
apparent and more buried within a way of being. Perhaps the child continues to
engage in difficult relationships as an adult or perhaps the child becomes
highly successful and achieves great things. It's not about success or failure
and what that means. It's about how the self- talk continues.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
If there
is no room in my own Self for acknowledging my feelings or meeting my needs,
then I am not likely to bring good things into my life. When I set out to
create a fortune or to find love, I will be doing so from a place of low worth.
How can I manifest wealth or acceptance, if I carry in my own self-talk:
"I don't deserve good things."; "I am not worthy of being loved."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
These
messages are not on the surface most of the time. There can be an internal
emotional experience that isn't filled with negative self-talk, but there will
be emotions. The underlying emotions are often fear, shame, sadness and grief.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
So, how
to manifest?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
1. Get an
alignment between: 1) how you think about your Self; 2) what you want; 3) how
you live.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
2. Cast
out your intention of what you want through writing it out. Be specific in the
description of the future picture that you want. (Do not write out the steps to
get there. Manifesting is not goal -setting.) In this picture, how will you
feel? What will it look like?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
3. Let go
of attachment. Manifesting requires we practically forget about it. We don't
work actively to think it through or to worry about how to get what we want. We
just let it go. Like a stone into the water and we stand back and notice the
ripples, but the stone is gone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
4. Live
in the alignment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
Here’s an
example. If I want to lose weight, I must first think of myself as "a
healthy person" despite my current state of health. Then I cast out the
intention of being a healthy person. Then I live like I am a healthy person.
The alignment is between perception of Self, a clear desire (want) and the
actions or behaviors based on that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
That
might seem oversimplified or ridiculous, but once the blocks are cleared out,
manifesting an outer world is this easy.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>First,
you need to understand the blocks.</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Why
can't you get what you want? What are the specific hooks in beliefs that are
holding you back? They are the messages that you were given. They are the
legacy that you are carrying around from your family and early experiences.
Unpack these untrue messages and the emotional logic that weighs you down and
you will create a life of wonder! You will feel like a hungry human who has
found a free buffet! Your life will be yours to live freely.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
The world is but a canvas to our
imagination<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
~ H. D. Thoreau<o:p></o:p></div>
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-32240688619198253732015-03-26T13:52:00.002-07:002017-06-20T13:40:40.645-07:00Birth-Shame and Empathy<div class="MsoNormal">
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This post (slightly different version) was originally published as an article in <i>Birthing </i>(Calgary) in October 2013.<br />
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<u>Birth-Shame and Empathy</u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Birth and shame aren’t ideas that usually go
together. When we think of shame, we may wince or feel repulsed. We have all
experienced shame at some time and thinking of it may cause an uncomfortable
visceral reaction. Birth, on the other hand, although often misrepresented and
oversimplified as a miracle, a battle survived or both, can immediately bring
up a varied and emotional reaction in us. Our culture’s simplistic view of
birth does not represent the multi-dimensional experience of most women. Birth
fundamentally changes our sense of self. Many women would identify the first
birth experience as the marker of changing from maiden to mother. And this transformative
process can be as glorious as it is shame-triggering.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Dr. Brene Brown is a shame and vulnerability
researcher and author from the University of Houston. She has written three
books: </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">I thought it was just me, but it
isn’t (2007)</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">; </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The Gifts of
Imperfection (2010)</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> and </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Daring
Greatly (2012)</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">. Brown has also recorded two TED talks: </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The Power of Vulnerability</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> (2010) and </span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Listening to Shame (2010)</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">. Her work provides a lens through which
to understand birth-shame in our culture. Relying on my first birth experience and
using the shame-resilience work of Dr. Brene Brown, I am going to offer a view
of a different facet of birth, including strategies for how to help a woman
through birth-shame.</span></div>
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<i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">(I
could start a birth-shame meeting.</span></i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">) <i>Hello. My name is Heather and
I have shame about my birth. (Cough, sputter, choke!)</i> <i>I have had three children in two births. My first birth started as the
ever important: “Midwife-Assisted Home Birth with Birthing Pool” (I’m awesome!)
and more than 40 hours later was renamed: “Hospital Transfer with Epidural”
(Epic failure?) The result of that process was my beautiful daughter, Isabelle,
and the most extreme mixed emotions I have ever experienced:</i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I felt like I was in-love for the first time!<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I was angry and upset about why the birth
didn’t go ‘right’. <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I felt broken as a woman that I couldn’t have
the birth I wanted.<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I felt alone and frustrated when people said:
“But look what you have- a healthy beautiful baby!” <o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In the midst of this post-partum emotional
storm and an inhumane lack of sleep, I struggled through the early days of breastfeeding.
The emotional roller coaster rivaled nothing I had ever experienced and the
underlying message of all my thoughts in those early weeks were: “I love this
baby more than anything in the world” and “What the #*%@ is wrong with me?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Understanding Shame</span></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Brown describes shame as “the full-contact
emotion” that may include physical symptoms such as knots in the stomach,
nausea, shaking, flushing and wincing (Brown, 2007) Brown defines shame as “the
intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and
therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging” (Brown, 2007, 30). Shame says:
I am not ____________enough. Fill-in the blank: good, worthy, deserving,
healthy, informed, rich, skinny and so on (Brown, 2012).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Shame and guilt are very different although
both are very uncomfortable feelings. Whereas guilt says: I did something bad,
shame says: I am bad. Guilt can be
productive and keep our relationships in check. In guilt, we hold up our
behavior against our values and self-evaluate. Guilt is adaptive and helps us
to change our behaviour (Brown, 2007). We can grow and change for the better
from a place of feeling we have done something that isn’t in line with our
beliefs and values.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Shame, on the other hand, is the intensely painful
belief that we are flawed- I am bad- and therefore unworthy of love and
acceptance (Brown, 2007). It’s a feeling of being broken in a way that can’t be
fixed. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence and eating
disorders. Brown says the three things to know about shame are: 1) it’s
universal, we all experience it (except for sociopaths); 2) no one likes to
talk about it; and 3) the less we talk about it, the more we experience it (Brown,
2012). Shame is felt the same for both men and women, but it is organized and
understood differently by gender. According to Brown’s research, men’s
experience of shame is about being perceived as weak or a failure. Men can feel
forced to stay in a narrow box of what is considered masculine in our culture.
Vulnerability and authentic emotional expression is misunderstood as weakness
(Brown, 2012).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">For women, shame is understood as a web of
competing and conflicting expectations. Shame comes from being perceived as
anything less than perfect in multiple and often conflicting areas of our life.
For example, a woman can’t be the perfect employee and the perfect mother in
the same moment and shame is the feeling she is left with: I’m not good enough.
I can’t do it all (Brown, 2012).</span><br />
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The
symptoms of shame sound like post-partum sleep deprivation and hormone overload:
nausea, stomach ache, shakiness. How can I separate out all the emotional and
physical feelings? But, “I’m not good enough as a mom”—that was the feeling I
had after Isabelle was born! I didn’t recognize it then, but if I couldn’t even
birth her like I intended, how could I be good enough as her mother?</span></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Birth Preparation in a Culture of Scarcity</span></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Brown describes the culture of scarcity as
fuelling our ‘never_____ enough’ thinking. The components of a culture of
scarcity include fear, comparison, shame and subsequent disengagement to
protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable (Brown, 2012). We compare ourselves
to others and are compared by others. When we feel we ‘aren’t _____ enough’, we
are fearful of rejection and so disengage to protect our self from feeling
vulnerable. When we are afraid to be vulnerable because the culture is one of
harsh comparison and shame, we don’t take risks. We don’t act real and we don’t
offer all we may have to offer. Brown asserts that this struggle with shame and
avoiding vulnerability is shaping the culture we live in (Brown, 2012). There
is less creativity and innovation and instead people keep up the status quo and
try not to be noticed. This is true for our larger society as well as our
smaller institutions of work, school, community and family (Brown, 2012).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Consider a girl who is raised in a culture of
scarcity. She will develop vulnerability shields to protect herself from
feeling fear, shame and disconnection. Perfectionism is one such vulnerability
shield (Brown, 2012). Appearing perfect, or close to it, is an adaptive
response and for a young woman to demonstrate her worthiness of belonging. Brown
also refers to this as the “hustle for worthiness”. Racheal Simons, in her
book, </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">The Curse of the Good Girl</i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> states, "Many of the most accomplished girls are disconnecting from the truest parts of themselves, sacrificing essential self-knowledge to the pressure of who they think they ought to be" (p. 28). </span></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The culture of scarcity feeds the good-girl/
gold-star thinking. For example, a young girl in school may not feel good
enough or worthy of belonging (shame) and so she performs at an extraordinary level
(appears perfect) in order to get the accolades (gold stars, approval and
acceptance) which allow her to feel worthy. This is the good-girl’s modus operandi
for the demonstration of her value and assured acceptance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Now consider this girl-as-a-woman 6 months
pregnant and preparing to give birth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">In this culture of scarcity, when a woman is
pregnant and considering birth options, the message of ‘never_______ enough’
will inform her: “You will not be safe enough. You will not know enough. You/
your body are not trustworthy enough.” From this place, a woman may be fearful
and disengaged and allow decisions to be made solely by health care providers. A
woman may forfeit her right to autonomy over her body and be disconnected from
her own self-knowledge. The culture of scarcity questions a woman’s capacity to
have her own wisdom or any input. This is illustrated in the Monty Python
movie,</span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> The Meaning of Life</span></i><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">:</span></i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> The woman is on a table about to give birth
and asks the doctor, “What do I do?” The response is, “Nothing, dear. You’re
not qualified.” The message: you don’t know enough.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">What about a woman who is able to move past
this never enough thinking? Brown states that when we are able to get out of scarcity
thinking and choose to push into new areas, shame runs another tape: Who do you
think you are? This is shame saying:
stay small; don’t get too big for your britches. When a woman chooses
non-normative circumstances for her birth, her decision may be viewed as
subversive and upsetting to those around her. This may be reflected by messages
from family and friends. Although their love and concern is genuine, their
message is often well-steeped in the scarcity culture of never enough thinking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">When good-girl/ gold-star thinking is applied
to an upcoming birth, the self-talk goes something like this: “I am going to
research birth and choose the best way to birth. I am going to make sure that
this birth is safest or most natural or most medically attended there has ever
been. I will be great at this. I’ve read the most highly recommended books.
I’ve got the best doctor/ midwife/ doula and I’ve done all the best birthing
classes.”</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Hmmmm…the culture of scarcity fits. I
know these messages. I had been a pretty classic ‘good-girl’ through my younger
years. I hate admitting it, but I probably took all that passion to achieve and
do it ‘perfectly’ into my pregnancy. When I wasn’t feeling fearful, making
comparisons and worried about being good enough, I might have been looking for
the way to make my birth the most natural, relaxed, fear-less A+ gold-star
birth that I could.</span></span></i><br />
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A
midwife once told me that a woman in labor is a woman in labor. It doesn’t
matter what she does in her daily life- artist, accountant or nurse- it’s all
the same in labor. This is very bad news for the woman with good girl/ gold
star thinking. The labyrinth path of labor is about letting go and trusting.
It’s impossible to be perfect and vulnerable at the same time; to hear the
whispers of ‘never enough’ and let go.</span></span></i><br />
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In
the early post-partum days, I thought: I should have stayed home longer. I
should have spoken up more. My body betrayed me. I wasn’t mentally strong
enough or physically fit enough. I didn’t let go enough. I didn’t go inside
enough. I wasn’t fearless enough.</span></span></i><br />
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<b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Elements
of Shame Resilience</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Dr. Brown’s shame resilience model has four
elements: 1) Recognizing shame and understanding triggers; 2) practicing
critical awareness; 3) reaching out; and 4) speaking shame (Brown, 2007). It is
not a linear process and we move back and forth between elements when sorting
out shame (Brown, 2012).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The first element is to recognize shame. That
is, to know when we are in it and what it feels like in our bodies (Brown, 2007).
When we feel shame, can we recognize it and see what messages triggered it? Brown
identifies twelve categories of shame triggers: appearance and body image,
motherhood/ fatherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical
health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped, speaking out and surviving
trauma (Brown, 2007). Pregnancy and birth is a minefield of shame triggers.
Body image, sex, mothering are all potential areas of shame triggers. Indeed,
any of these categories of shame triggers could come up for a woman during
pregnancy and birth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The second element, practicing critical
awareness, refers to stepping back and seeing from a bigger perspective (Brown,
2007. It’s a process of reality-checking. Are the messages that are driving our
shame realistic? Did the messages originate in the culture of scarcity and come
to us via our family of origin or the media? Related to birthing, especially changing
birth plans or increased birth interventions, it’s important to understand the
bigger picture of the culture in which we birth. It’s also important to know
the facts of each of our specific situations and the multitude of factors that
contribute to the birth process.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The third element of shame resilience, reaching
out, refers to seeking out someone who has earned the right to hear our story
and who will be able to respond with empathy (Brown, 2007). Briefly, empathy is
a skill set that involves taking another person’s perspective, staying out of
judgement and communicating an understanding of the underlying emotion (Brown,
2007 citing Wiseman 1162). Empathy is the antidote to shame and reaching out
means reaching out to someone who can do that for us.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">This fourth element, speaking shame, means
that we call shame by its name when we recognize it. Shame is not guilt,
embarrassment or humiliation. It is not depression, anger or anxiety. Shame
relies on being kept secret and it grows in silence (Brown, 2007). However,
when we can call shame by its name, it withers (Brown, 2012). The tricky part
is you can’t meet another person’s shame head on. It can cause more shame.
Instead you can help a person sort out their feelings and when you hear
‘not____ enough’ thoughts and feelings, you can help to name it. Empathy is the
key to this process (Brown, 2007).</span><br />
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
had lots of feelings after the birth, but the feeling that I hadn’t birthed
well enough and therefore wasn’t good enough as a mom was shame. It would have
been helpful for me to be able to name it then. I wouldn’t have wanted someone
else to point it out explicitly, but that was the core of my struggle. Critical
awareness came after the fact, when I confirmed that Isabelle’s fetal position
was associated with long hard labors. It wasn’t just me! I wasn’t the only
factor in the messy process of labor and birth. Having a bigger perspective of
understanding the culture of scarcity or even reflecting on the birth films I
watched during pregnancy, helped me see that there were messages about labor
and birth expectations that fueled my post-partum shame.</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Empathy</span></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Shame withers when it is named and shrinks to
nothing when it is met with empathy (Brown, 2007). The elements, reaching out
and speaking shame require another person who is able to provide an empathetic
response. Empathy is a skill set and it is often not our first response (Brown,
2007). To understand empathy, consider the following responses</span><a href="file:///F:/Heather%20Mackay/Documents/Heather/Point%20on%20the%20Path%20Advertising/Articles%20and%20Writing/birth-shame%20and%20empathy%20blog.docx#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;" title=""><sup><sup><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">[1]</span></sup></sup></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Mother/ MIL/ Aunt/Grandma:</span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> You shouldn’t have tried to labor at home. It certainly was better
that you ended up at the hospital and you were safe. I would hate to think what
could have happened.</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Friend who just had home water birth with
triplets while riding a unicycle</span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">: I’m so
sorry that you had to have those interventions; you poor thing.</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">Sister/Cousin/Helpful friend:</span><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> It was hard, but <u>at least</u> you have a
beautiful baby now and that’s the main thing.</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The first response is judgement. The second
response is sympathy where the person is feeling bad </span><u style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">for</u><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> </b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">you, but </span><u style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">not with</u><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> you (Brown,
2007). The third response, Brown refers to as, “at least” and it discounts and jumps over the feeling of
shame. All of these responses are about the other person’s own discomfort with
shame. Judgement is super-powered by the culture of scarcity. We make
comparisons so that we may feel better about our self. We judge in areas where
we feel inadequate. The discomfort of not feeling good enough can be partially
discharged through judging another. The thinking is: “I may not feel good
enough, but compared to her (right now), I’m great!” The difficulty is that
this only further feeds into the culture of scarcity.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Sympathy is different from empathy. Sympathy
can actually feed feelings of shame. Sympathy is about standing far away from
the pain of the other person and saying: I feel bad that you are way over
there. (And I am definitely not over there with you.) Sympathy then leaves the
person in shame feeling even more alone and unworthy of love and acceptance
(Brown, 2007).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">The third response, ‘at least’, is a form of flood
lighting where the person shines a bright light on all that is good and
pretends there is no shame. This is a very popular post-partum response to
mothers. It can also fuel shame because the new mother now has the shame of not
being grateful enough and a further feeling of: “What’s wrong with me? I’m
supposed to be happy.” None of the above responses are helpful because they
don’t acknowledge the underlying emotion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Here is an empathic response:</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I know you really wanted to birth at home and
things didn’t go as you expected. That’s hard. It sounds like you are feeling
disappointed and defeated.</span></span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">A conversation can go on from there as a
listener asks questions about what the woman feels or what she thinks could
have been different. Empathy doesn’t require that you have had the exact same
experience (Brown, 2007). The key is to look under the incident that triggered
shame and to identify the emotions. As an empathetic listener, you may not have
even given birth, but you know what it’s like to feel disappointed or defeated
because those are universal feelings. You can convey your understanding of
those feelings. You can be very helpful by facilitating the woman’s exploration
of her emotions. Emotional logic, especially as it relates to shame, has its
own rules. Emotional logic is not logical. Although a woman may need help with
critical awareness and gaining perspective, she first needs to feel understood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Empathy also doesn’t have to be a rehearsed
set of words. Empathy might be conveyed in a knowing glance or with a hug
(Brown, 2007). Perhaps the only thing a friend can say is: “I know you’re
having a hard time. I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I’m
here for you. We’ll get through this.” Brown says that if you have one or two
friends to whom you can reach out, share a shame story and receive a genuine </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">emphatic</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> response you’re fortunate (Brown, 2007). This is the inner sanctum of
your emotional world and it isn’t likely that there are many who have earned
the right to hear your most vulnerable feelings</span><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"> </b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">and who can meet them with empathy.</span><br />
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">After
Isabelle’s birth I felt terrible, but I was also confused about what I was
feeling. I had two close friends who
could listen and help. One male friend offered that in transferring before I
was ready, I missed out on the female equivalent of ‘slaying the lion to prove
I’m a man’. I totally felt like that! I felt like I dropped out of the marathon
before I was ready and I was profoundly disappointed. It was a relief to have
that reflected back to me.</span></span></i><br />
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i>
<i style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My
closest female friend understood my convoluted feelings well and easily
conveyed that. She agreed that I probably could have stayed home longer, but it
was a hard call for all of us. She reminded me of the facts: dehydrated with no
more IV bags at home, ROP fetal position, 30 hours of labor before we
transferred, political push and pulls of the day. I knew she understood my
feelings and further she gave me perspective in reflecting back the ambiguity of
the situation. It was a relief to have facts in the middle of my birth-shame
storm.</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wrapping up</span></span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">Feeling unworthy is the crux of shame. It is
relayed to us through messages from the culture of scarcity and internalized as
self-deprecating thoughts (Brown, 2012). When we become a mother for the first
time and stare into those beautiful eyes, every imperfect part of our self is
reflected back. In that reflection, it is easy to think we aren’t worthy enough
of the great love we feel. However, we need to find a way</span><a href="file:///F:/Heather%20Mackay/Documents/Heather/Point%20on%20the%20Path%20Advertising/Articles%20and%20Writing/birth-shame%20and%20empathy%20blog.docx#_ftn2" name="_ftnref2" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">[2]</span></span></span></a><sup style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">
</sup><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">to feel worthy of this love because this is the way we show our child the
same: I love you, not in spite of your
imperfection, but because of it. Your imperfection is what makes you who you
are. You are always worthy of my love. You are always worthy of belonging to
me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">If we teach our children to believe they are
worthy of love and belonging we might change the world. But we can only do this
by letting them see that we too, believe that we are worthy of great love and
belonging</span><a href="file:///F:/Heather%20Mackay/Documents/Heather/Point%20on%20the%20Path%20Advertising/Articles%20and%20Writing/birth-shame%20and%20empathy%20blog.docx#_ftn3" name="_ftnref3" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;" title=""><sup><sup><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">[3]</span></sup></sup></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="file:///F:/Heather%20Mackay/Documents/Heather/Point%20on%20the%20Path%20Advertising/Articles%20and%20Writing/birth-shame%20and%20empathy%20blog.docx#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333320617676px;">[1]</span></span></span></a> Fortunately I didn’t hear most of these after Isabelle’s birth. These are illustrative.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="file:///F:/Heather%20Mackay/Documents/Heather/Point%20on%20the%20Path%20Advertising/Articles%20and%20Writing/birth-shame%20and%20empathy%20blog.docx#_ftnref2" name="_ftn2" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333320617676px;">[2]</span></span></span></a> For more information, see Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="file:///F:/Heather%20Mackay/Documents/Heather/Point%20on%20the%20Path%20Advertising/Articles%20and%20Writing/birth-shame%20and%20empathy%20blog.docx#_ftnref3" name="_ftn3" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333320617676px;">[3]</span></span></span></a> See Neff (2003) for more about self-compassion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Heather Mackay is a provisional clinical social worker in private practice in Edmonton, Alberta. You can read more about her at: www.pointonthepath.com or reach her at Heather.pointonthepath.com</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This article originally appeared in Birthing Magazine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Works Cited<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Brown, Brene. <i>Daring Greatly. </i>New
York: Gotham Books, 2012. Print.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">---. <i>I thought it was just me,
but it isn’t</i>. New York: Gotham Books, 2007. Print.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">---. Listening to shame. TED2012. Long Beach, CA. Filmed March 2012. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_lisening_to_shame"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_lisening_to_shame</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">---. <i>The Gifts of Imperfection</i>.
Centre City, MN: Hazelden, 2010. Print.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">---. “The power of vulnerability.” TEDxHuston. Huston, TX. Filmed June
2010. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability</span></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Neff, Kirstin. “Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of
healthy attitude <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">toward oneself.” <i>Self and Identity</i>, 2003: 85-101.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Simmons, Rachel. <i>The Curse of
the Good Girl.</i> London: The Penguin Press, 2009. Print. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">The Meaning of Life</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">. Dir. Terry Gilliam. Terry Jones. Perf. John
Cleese. The Monty Python <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Partnership, 1983. Film.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Wiseman, Teresa. “A concept analysis of empathy.” <i>Journal of Advanced Nursing</i>, June 1996:</span></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36pt;">1162-1167. Print.</span></div>
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-15379753308463722242014-03-24T18:54:00.001-07:002014-03-24T19:07:25.095-07:00A new labyrinthA new year and new labyrinth! This year it's faced the other direction with the entrance toward the house and not the side of the patio. It's made with stakes, twine and twinkle lights. The paths are staked out regardless of the snow or melting.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbnwA6Fn3kTdei2xLjZfhmlWH1LMhVkQXxH5vlQwP48NXoriQPuOfXPZs9LL0bBR5qDFNi_t6Uk_pETO6v6x0Aiy_bA2gWxyFSCoNvbeo0sbqrsQTKo1YR5HWoT0B1_KfBkKVsOePwzOU/s1600/labyrinth+spring+2014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbnwA6Fn3kTdei2xLjZfhmlWH1LMhVkQXxH5vlQwP48NXoriQPuOfXPZs9LL0bBR5qDFNi_t6Uk_pETO6v6x0Aiy_bA2gWxyFSCoNvbeo0sbqrsQTKo1YR5HWoT0B1_KfBkKVsOePwzOU/s1600/labyrinth+spring+2014.jpg" height="164" width="320" /></a>The winter has been different this year as well. During my last walk I experienced the ground from all seasons: dry grass, deep puddles, soggy ground, thin icy parts and deep snow. (The yard melts in varying degrees because of the shadows of the buildings.)<br />
<br />
Metaphor? Of course! Life may feel easy to navigate in the dry patches, but suddenly your inadequate-for-water-boots are damp because you stepped in a puddle. Then, after moving through that, you get to do a 180 (on the path of the labyrinth there are many of those) and head back into the the same thing you just walked through. Have you learned anything yet? Repeat as necessary.<br />
<br />
Through the ice you move slowly- it's easy to watch your step now after the ker-splash of the puddle- but you didn't realize ice could move to the treacherous and uneven mounds of snow. This is hard work. It's hard to remember why this path was even desirable. Every step requires concentration so surely there isn't time for reflection and great ideas. Isn't this so like life? Every day requires so much time in the physical duties and in the basic maintenance of self, home, work and family, where is the time and space for the much need quiet reflection.<br />
<br />
And so on I go. Up and down the labyrinth path...when I get there. It's not often. It's less often than last year even (when I so beat myself up for not 'following my spiritual path'), but I'm okay with that. Sometimes I am up for the intense metaphors offered by the labyrinth and other times I'm just busy watching my literal steps in life! :-)<br />
<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-35795308406458655552013-01-03T23:03:00.003-08:002017-06-17T11:49:46.917-07:00Oh this labyrinth! <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHcV62E-7Dvj2j6qS22tvR9IRgiD85138c58WeqaUdvuStv6x1ZDmp4CA_5sAUNkmsYnuBuG9aMsyax61cuZxui4Y3qMSD2vQjn43nhznJ1zXKLXflozAnb_1jUh38aqdPAqXwIKuoPd8/s1600/2012-12-30+18.52.47.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHcV62E-7Dvj2j6qS22tvR9IRgiD85138c58WeqaUdvuStv6x1ZDmp4CA_5sAUNkmsYnuBuG9aMsyax61cuZxui4Y3qMSD2vQjn43nhznJ1zXKLXflozAnb_1jUh38aqdPAqXwIKuoPd8/s320/2012-12-30+18.52.47.jpg" width="320" /></a>Oh this labyrinth! Oh this labyrinth! <br />
<br />
The words must be written twice!<br />
<br />
I love it. I hate it. I mourn that its going to melt even though we are months away from the threat of higher temperatures. <br />
<br />
I worked to make the patterns (you already read that post). I had SO much help from my husband and kids (same post) and now the beautiful pattern sits there. Because I have more to do in the world than simply walk the labyrinth and write about the insights I have gained from it, I often am required to just walk past it. I am leaving to go to work. I walk past it when I come home feeling world-weary. I rush past it to run an errand and home again with my arms full. <br />
<br />
It, the labyrinth, simply stays put.... and looks at me. Observing me as I am meant to observe it. I want to yell: Stop looking at me!!<br />
<br />
It simply stays. Lit up beautifully (now) with lights all over- except one part of one outer loop. It's perfect the way it is. I love it. A perfect spiritual path just staying there. Waiting. Looking. Mocking, almost. <br />
<br />
<br />
What a metaphor! Or as I like to call them now: effin-metaphors!<br />
<br />
My spiritual path lies in wait for my own body and mind to settle in to it's direction. No judgement (Yeah, okay I'll admit it: the judgement is mostly all mine and not the labyrinth's per se.) And as I am busy in the to-and-fro of life, spirit stays steadfast and waiting until it is called upon.<br />
<br />
I LOVE my labyrinth. I love, adore, honor and cherish it. I have developed a strange attachment to something that is made out of small snow mountains and Christmas lights. I check on it before bed. I relish, with a warmth in my chest, when I look out at it from the bedroom window. I love it because it stays. Like a dog waiting with a wagging tail. It's there for me when I am coming and going. (The loyalty of spirit should not be compared to a snow path or a dog, but there it is.) <br />
<br />
I HATE my labyrinth. It is mocking me. Calling me. Telling me how inadequate my attention to spirit and inward reflection really is. It shows me every day that I'm out of balance and how ridiculous I am for not simply choosing...<b> simply choosing.</b>.. to step on to the spiritual track and allow myself to breathe out my anxiety and breathe in my calm knowing my self and self worth. What's it take? 10-15 minutes? I can't find those few minutes to reorient to spirit and my authentic/ aligned self? <br />
<br />
I HATE the way it simple sits there like it knows it all.Sometimes I want to stick my tongue out at the dummy-know-it-all-labyrinth. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
10:30 pm.<br />
<br />
I walk my labyrinth. I'm putting on my boots near the back door and I'm mumbling under my breath: "Well, I guess I better walk the stupid thing." and I'm out the door with my ear buds in and my phone in my coat pocket. The music helps set a calming tone and drown out the naysayer doubts in my head.<br />
<br />
<br />
I walk in: "I'll find spiritual comfort in 15 minutes and head back inside. Here we go. Let's do this thing."<br />
<br />
I keep walking. "Ahh... breathing. Letting go. Easing in. Leaning in. I really *do* love my labyrinth. Forgive me for all my negative thoughts." <br />
<br />
I finally reach the centre.<br />
<br />
The neighborhood dogs stop barking. The music, with the labyrinth, have been talking on their own. They tell me a forgotten story about love and unconditional value and connections with all things on earth and in the stars. I remember. Did you think I could have forgotten?! (I had forgotten, but I won't admit it.)<br />
<br />
I inhale and face South. Inhale- West. Again-inhale- north. Inhale.... East. I stand again toward the North and remind my self that this forgotten story is not that old nor that forgotten. This is the place of my own self--- truly "MY divinity in MY own backyard". How on earth or in heaven can you forget your own divinity in your own backyard? And yet I do. Multiple times. Over and over again. <br />
<br />
(Gawd damn effin' labyrinth.)<br />
<br />
<br />
I walk out. I let go some more. I feel my shoulders come down from their place of standing guard around my ears. I know I am loved. I know (even more so) I am loveable.<br />
<br />
I keep walking out. " Ahh...breathing. Letting go. Easing within. Allowing." I know this place: I love you. I love me. I could write a book about the heavens and the stars and our place on earth and the meaning of love and truth and light. Why would I ever doubt it? Why don't I stay home and walk this labyrinth all the time- like three times a day? And write the book because I know it all. I understand the all the answers to all the big questions. <br />
<br />
I reach the exit. I turn and face the labyrinth. I stand in awe at my own transformation.<br />
<br />
Again.<br />
<br />
I bow my head and whisper: thank-you. thank-you. <br />
<br />
I don't know exactly to whom I say thank-you: my spirit guides and friends? Yes. My own self? It's my creation. My family? Because without them I wouldn't know how wonderful it could truly be?<br />
<br />
Yes. That's who. All of them and me.<br />
<br />
<br />
I miss my labyrinth.<br />
<br />
I mourn you already. I'll miss you when the sun is warmer and the snow walls are melting. I'll have rings of Christmas lights in the brown grass before I give you up.<br />
<br />
I'll find you in other places, I know. Spirit is not only in this snow-path and only right here. But right now I feel like a child who knows the vacation days are numbered. I need to eke out of you all the wonder that I can.<br />
<br />
Winters are long, but this year won't be quite long enough for me.<br />
<br />
Let me take that as a metaphor for this life and eke out of it-- my 80 years or more, I hope-- all the wonder that I can. Let me remember, that somewhere inside of me, I know love and spirit so well that I could write a book. Let me remember that all of this is as close as my own 'backyard'. It's all right there and waiting for me to choose to reorient to that place.<br />
<br />
This is the gift of my labyrinth.<br />
<br />
Oh this labyrinth! <br />
<br />
:-) With a knowing love,<br />
Heather. <br />
<br />
<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-21450014254398900442012-12-06T22:55:00.003-08:002012-12-07T05:48:42.084-08:00It's the end of the world...and I feel fine! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2AEJm6QMfz0Xy3ncprjWkZWj2iGvEmBIHGk2-tAH_ne_aVCAdQjcTph18rgfvzjBg7gJjxmIjGn18fv1ivyOAk8zhyphenhyphenhqtWtxrWVAI1Algr60ZiX4f5T7XvIKc7Xv-7Kbmvw13TRPn2k/s1600/Winter-Solstice-2010+%281%29.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM2AEJm6QMfz0Xy3ncprjWkZWj2iGvEmBIHGk2-tAH_ne_aVCAdQjcTph18rgfvzjBg7gJjxmIjGn18fv1ivyOAk8zhyphenhyphenhqtWtxrWVAI1Algr60ZiX4f5T7XvIKc7Xv-7Kbmvw13TRPn2k/s320/Winter-Solstice-2010+%281%29.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
We have been celebrating winter solstice<span style="color: #444444;">-Dec</span>ember 21st, the shortest day of the year- as a nuclear family for many years now. Its a quiet day just for us and we leave December 25th for my parents' traditions and extended family.<br />
<br />
This year is a little different- we built a labyrinth in the backyard. I love it. I walk past every time I leave the house for the car and every time I come home again. My metaphorical spiritual path is much more in my awareness when my physical representation is right there all the time! <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKeOJgA8QD6buchFj1lBF-_ACXzukKG-ayjI3dy8u7qktiaE6NE0vgurS0Y1Cf1bmbRXHtFG7x1rfCYHjmr4hFqWI1vXdU9NO1-zHULbEnzhhTMyr8u3vRF74_L2iAUmSlSUWE73zmvdA/s1600/LabyColors.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKeOJgA8QD6buchFj1lBF-_ACXzukKG-ayjI3dy8u7qktiaE6NE0vgurS0Y1Cf1bmbRXHtFG7x1rfCYHjmr4hFqWI1vXdU9NO1-zHULbEnzhhTMyr8u3vRF74_L2iAUmSlSUWE73zmvdA/s320/LabyColors.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
So, partly with those thoughts, I started reading <span style="color: #444444;"><a href="http://www.1111invitation2012.info/1111Invitation2012/Winter_Solstice_2012.html">'the stuff' </a>about December 21st. </span>In 2012.<br />
<br />
It's the<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGmAmJFUvzM"> <span style="color: #444444;">end of the world</span></a>! It's <span style="color: #444444;"><a href="http://www.potw.org/archive/potw351.html">the second coming</a></span>! It's when earthlings will make <span style="color: #444444;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Aliens-are-Coming-to-take-us-December-212012/266906823356430">contact with aliens!</a></span> And if we live through all of those predictions, it's the beginning of a New Era. <br />
<br />
I
suppose my reading should have, at best left me jaded and, at worst
left me fearful or scared, but it did neither. I feel FINE! In fact, I
feel ELATED! What a relief! Maybe we can get past the end of the world
language. Maybe we can move past it and into whatever this New Era will
be.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I was born in 1971. For as
long as I can remember the world was ending. I grew up with the Cold War
and then the beginning popularity of environmental awareness- the end
of CFCs (who knew my big hair in the 1980's/ hairspray was killing the
earth?) and the beginning of popular recycling and various environmental
reforms.<br />
<br />
But... before we had time to collect
ourselves, everyone was carrying on about Y2K.
The world was ending because the digital world we created wouldn't be
able to cope. We lived past the clicking dial of December 31, 1999
and so did our ATM machines and PCs. We saw January 1st, 2000 and so did our extra supplies of bottled water and canned food.<br />
<br />
I know we are
hardly past the threats to the earth. I know that threat of the
escalation of conflict (used to be called war) and the threat to the environment exist in this moment while I'm writing. In both areas things have not come far enough fast enough and threat is still there. I don't minimize the important
issues that require attention and advocacy, but I don't think that they are likely to kill us by any instant dramatic means either. <br />
<br />
<br />
And so there is something about the anticipation of December 21,2012 that leaves me relieved and hopeful.<br />
<br />
At
the very worst anything bad will have happened and we'll be dealing
with it. At the best,
the sun will rise on the 22nd and things will look relatively the same (most likely scenario!).
The governance model of the planet won't have changed. We won't be ruled
by aliens. And we won't have disappeared- wafting away in smoke as the
last day of the Mayan calendar has passed. <br />
<br />
What will
have happened is simply that we will have survived another numerical designation
of our doom. Will the problems all be solved? Of course not. However, we
will have arrived at another important milestone in our collective
human history. We will have lived to say: "I survived the end of the
world."<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm elated, perhaps in part, from
ignorance. I don't know of any other markers coming in my lifetime that
are predicting the death of all humanity as we know it. The December 21,
2012 prediction was a bit of a left over from the turn of the Century in my view.
We made it through. That's it people. Now it's time to just live.<br />
<br />
Stop
worrying about who will be judged and who will be condemned. Stop
worrying about eternal hell or being made a martyr or a saint on Earth. It will
be time to move ahead. Into the New Era? I hope so. <br />
<br />
<br />
I'm also elated because it brings all those bits and pieces
in my own life back into perspective. Who the hell cares what is clean
in the house and what is not if the world is ending?<br />
<br />
Q: What's important if I have only 2 weeks to live *as-I-am-now*?<br />
<br />
A: Love.<br />
Being enough.<br />
Knowing that I am, and all the people I love are... Enough.<br />
<br />
There
are no children that need teaching, molding, changing. There is no
husband who needs to hear me or do this or that. There are no imperfect
relationships in my life. And really everything else is just non-sense.<br />
<br />
If it's the end of the world as I know it? <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY">Well, I feel fine. </a><br />
<br />
<b>Let's start anew.</b><b> </b>If you're still here on December 22nd and things are pretty much as they are now, consider committing to these ideas:<br />
<br />
1. There is nothing that needs to change in my life.<br />
<br />
2. I love who I am and where I am at even though it's imperfect, messy and not exactly like a picture from a magazine/ movie/ Facebook.<br />
<br />
3. I will share with the people around me the authentic person that I am and not some image of the person I think they will accept.<br />
<br />
4. I will accept *all* people around me as they are and love them for their effort without judging them for not being the image I want them/ need them to be. <br />
<br />
If
that brings us to a New Era, one that will be seen 2000 years from now
as turning point past the domination of individualistic thinking and one
that begins radical self-acceptance and community-oriented thinking,
that's the best 'end-of-the-world' gift I can imagine.<br />
<br />
Because
it is only when I consider myself, others and my planet with acceptance and compassion that I can truly influence anyone or anything. <br />
<br />
Whew. Truth! Let's move on, shall we?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-3484881464298911562012-11-22T22:11:00.001-08:002012-11-23T08:07:35.564-08:00LabyrinthsI haven't posted in a long time. Earlier this month I had the chance to go to Maui. While I was there, I and 18 colleagues- admin staff, social workers and nurses- visited <a href="http://www.sacredgardensmaui.com/">The Sacred Garden</a> owned and operated by Eve Hogan, author of <u>The Way of the Winding Path</u>. What a treat!<br />
<br />
We listened to Eve talk about the labyrinth as a metaphor for the way we lived our life and few other metaphorical stories to capture our imaginations and allow us to think in new ways. While we were there, we had a chance to walk her 11-circut labyrinth modeled after the Chartres Cathedral in France.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8woNFzmzMNlgx87OCQY7l3ZKxKE3TmdLfIT1YVbK9HVMsZncDfP4g1jGkXbJpNkXH2Ngkem60SgzOu33yCChti4n4dz0y2KeKv-Ugy1Og9s0ykr2BKhcOFNSWSixwPc1fJrK7AByjVRE/s1600/Heatherlab2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8woNFzmzMNlgx87OCQY7l3ZKxKE3TmdLfIT1YVbK9HVMsZncDfP4g1jGkXbJpNkXH2Ngkem60SgzOu33yCChti4n4dz0y2KeKv-Ugy1Og9s0ykr2BKhcOFNSWSixwPc1fJrK7AByjVRE/s320/Heatherlab2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It was a pleasure to walk it with my fellow co-workers and it did indeed reflect a lot of what I have been feeling about my role at the clinic and allowed for an opportunity to pause in time and place and reflect. <br />
<br />
What I want to talk about now though is the labyrinth I have busily been working on for the last several days.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqcpFMdXo-la76IDZAfwUq6aSVZISOCmIgXEcWE4p82I53Mih22fxUb_fhyphenhyphenTB7t8_SYIDOL4lUHGkNnz3huYkrcVOXx0JwJdY1sIMCmAGennxts7jdf_4K3FpkA5URoYMB8fR1IBVoOW4/s1600/Labyrinth1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqcpFMdXo-la76IDZAfwUq6aSVZISOCmIgXEcWE4p82I53Mih22fxUb_fhyphenhyphenTB7t8_SYIDOL4lUHGkNnz3huYkrcVOXx0JwJdY1sIMCmAGennxts7jdf_4K3FpkA5URoYMB8fR1IBVoOW4/s320/Labyrinth1.jpg" width="320" /> </a></div>
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I came home and within days went to work on a snow labyrinth in my backyard. Well if walking a labyrinth is a metaphor for how we live in the real world, I can tell you that much more so is the making of a labyrinth. </div>
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I started out with the idea and then told Steve, my wonderful husband. He had lots of input, but wasn't rushing to make it for me. I decided it *needed* to be built and headed outside on a mild Sunday morning. I was trying to make it while being followed around by my 9-year-old twins. I love them dearly, but in a middle of this project all I could say was: "This isn't relaxing yet. This is very stressful, you need to stop talking. I'm trying to do math!" I was being completely ignored by my 11 1/2 year-old daughter. </div>
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I marked out the pattern of where the walls would go by walking the diagram in my hand. No problem. Then I tried to invert it. I needed to make the part that was my foot tracks into walls the parts that were currently raised into paths! This might not be my thing. Did I mention that I *needed* to build the labyrinth? The design wasn't complicated, (classic 7-circuit design), but the inversion was tricky. Was I supposed to put a little wall of snow here or there? Where were the lines and where was the path going to be?</div>
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Steve sat quietly out of the way in his office until I called into the back hall and down the stairs (while the 9-year-olds were giving me advice about it all). I couldn't come in to the house too far since I was covered with snow... and determined! Steve came out and followed the drawing like a puzzle to assist me in where the walls would be. You can't tell from the picture here, but when Steve came out, I had the first wide ring of lights; then a ring of a rope; a ring of the garden hose that might have a leak; then a ring of lights that don't seem to work; then a ring of the lights that do work, but aren't plugged in.... all in an attempt to figure out where to stomp down the snow to make a path. Oh, and there were some weird blue lines in the snow made by a spray bottle with blue dye. It kept the twins busy, but I have one sink permanently stained blue.</div>
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Steve came out and helped with the end part. He solved the puzzle! It was just about a project that would have no ending (literally, since the labyrinth pattern was wrong and kept going in a never-ending circle!) Just when I thought it couldn't be built, Steve came out and declared it a working labyrinth. It all came together! I took this picture and put it on FB, declaring a success! </div>
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Then it snowed. Then I went to walk it. </div>
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I had made a goat path! How could I have invited people over to walk it? I could barely put one foot in front of the other in some places. It might be the most lame labyrinth of the entire arctic wintery history! This is terrible. </div>
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Finally a few days later I had a day off. I went out with a spade, an edger (think: for sod) and a kids size shovel (the perfect width, but a short handle). I spent two hours carving the snow and increasing the width of the paths! What a life reflection! </div>
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First I started around the wide outside edges. No problem. Man! Am I good! People are going to come to this labyrinth walk and think I'm great. They are going to LOVE it! This is wonderful! I am wonderful! </div>
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Then I got tired. I was really sweating under all my fleece at -15 C! What was I thinking? I shouldn't have people over. They are going to judge this, but tell me it's fine. Its not fine!</div>
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Okay, I can do this. Its hard, but really love what I'm doing. I'm SO happy to have a labyrinth in my backyard. Who cares what people think? This is fantastic. I am literally carving out my spiritual journey. I need that. My clients need that-- carving out time and space for oneself. This is important (but really hard) work that I am doing. Its so pertinent to personal development. I'm on a roll! </div>
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I started to get REALLY tired, but I was getting closer to the middle- only three more circuits to go. I can't believe that the paths are this narrow. What was I thinking when I made this? Why would I have done such a terrible job? People won't be able to pass on this walkway. I'll do it better next year. Who am I kidding? I won't make this again. This is way too hard. I should give up now. I can't keep shoveling out these paths. They are too narrow and the snow is too powdery to stay up on the little walls. I should just go in and forget about it. </div>
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Then I cleaned out the snow in the centre. </div>
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I can do this. Look where I am. Who else can say that they physically created a spiritual path? Really! I HAVE A LABYRINTH! This should make the news. This is great! This is the best thing of the year! I actually did it! Do I have enough pictures? One picture won't be enough. I should take more. I wonder how I could get more lights. (ie: 'not enough' thinking- even though I had a lot!).</div>
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Then I walked the labyrinth. I went inside first actually. I took a shower, changed and ate lunch. I felt rejuvenated. I went out to visit my new-and-improved-paths. I walked along the outside edges and I walked along the inside edges listening to mediation music on my phone. I felt satisfied. I kept thinking about who else would come and walk this labyrinth before it melted? How much joy could the labyrinth mete out before it was gone and the girls' trampoline was in its place? Nothing lasts forever, but I will enjoy this while I can. Holy cow! I am SO lucky! </div>
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I came to the middle of the labyrinth and paused with a deep breath. I felt the brightness of the sun on my face. And I felt the cold wind on my cheeks. It was still -15 and now it felt like it. </div>
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"I have arrived!", I thought.<br />
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"I am surrounded by the warmth and beauty of my family and my home and my yard." </div>
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"I am grateful for all that I have." </div>
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"I am enough. </div>
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I have enough. </div>
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I do enough."</div>
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Ahhh.... Enough. Is there a better word in the English language? </div>
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Now its time to go in and make supper. </div>
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No pretense. No self-doubt. No judgement. Just living to live. Just walking the sacred path because it is carved. Feeling satisfied. It is carved because I chose it to be. How lucky am I? SO lucky! This will only stay a short while and I will appreciate every minute of it. I promise. :-)</div>
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With love,</div>
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Heather. </div>
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pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-54397662913225512642012-08-25T22:09:00.004-07:002012-08-25T22:31:29.549-07:00The dark passage of grace<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheBnaAYMnzia1U-x-5xKkv7MzXnOsdrDK7BYLK5O9u-ELwNAamEeOo-NxBCGwkywhRflAGp-b5JFFknJNA22o01W5O_-wugj71SuFmfzYozjw7xKbFSRjAhjb9j4wKT7Op3NFdzXZgAd8/s1600/Love+is+so+vast+from+the+Abundance+Course.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheBnaAYMnzia1U-x-5xKkv7MzXnOsdrDK7BYLK5O9u-ELwNAamEeOo-NxBCGwkywhRflAGp-b5JFFknJNA22o01W5O_-wugj71SuFmfzYozjw7xKbFSRjAhjb9j4wKT7Op3NFdzXZgAd8/s320/Love+is+so+vast+from+the+Abundance+Course.jpg" width="320" /></a><span class="userContent">Every midwife knows<br /> that not until a mother’s womb<br /> softens from the pain of labour<br /> will a way unfold<br /> and the infant find that opening to be born.<br /> Oh friend!<br /> There is treasure in your heart,<br /> it is heavy with child.<br /> Listen.<br /> All the awakened ones,</span></div>
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like trusted midwives are saying,<br />
'welcome this pain.<br />
It opens the dark passage of Grace.<br />
~Rumi</div>
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The truth of this quote is ancient. It is the first step on the path of enlightenment; it is the foundation of therapy; it is the key to happiness!</div>
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We all do it. We see the pain. We smell the pain. We have a bit of a sense of the pain and we walk away in the other direction. We keep ourselves busy and distracted. We avoid. We numb. We complain. We do anything we can to avoid taking the first step. That is the step into and *through* the pain. </div>
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The mistake we make is in falsely believing that if we feel the feelings of the pain we will never return. We falsely believe that if we move into the pain we will either break in a way that we can't be fixed or be lost in a way that we can't be found. </div>
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Imagine this: (I wish I could draw on a blog).<br />
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Numb/ Avoid <----- YOU ------> PAIN -------> Everything you dreamed possible.</div>
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Misery </div>
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2 x 4 over the head</div>
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We go in the opposite direction of the pain. We are not happy. We might even be miserable, but it is a misery with which we are familiar and so we keep at it. </div>
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In the numbing and avoiding we are living our lives, but are not happy. We feel stressed, rushed, in survival mode, unable to keep up. We are spinning our wheels in obligation. Trying to get by. We feel alone and depressed or angry and resentful. We have no time for self-care: eating well, exercising, self-reflection and self-love.<br />
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We won't take time to stop and when we do stop, we numb.<br />
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I think of hitting oneself over the head with a 2 x 4. We keep doing what we have always done because we are so afraid to put down the 2 x 4. Even though what we are doing hurts us we don't know what we would do if we weren't doing this. We are afraid of the PAIN and we are afraid of what is on the other side of it. The void on the other side is a fear only second to the PAIN.</div>
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This is the first step- put down the avoiding/ numbing/complaining behaviors. Dare to walk away from the misery. </div>
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Then you will have to see the PAIN. You will have to admit to the whiff in the air of the thing you are trying to avoid. Each person's pain carries it's own name, but after exploring you will call it worthlessness. You will see that the misery comes from avoiding the feeling that without the misery you feel worthless. This is the reason for the fear of the pain. This is the core of the pain for each of us. It is a part of the human condition. </div>
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The recognition of this is the pain akin to labor in childbirth. This is the pain you are avoiding. And it is in moving through this pain that you will find grace. </div>
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Grace = Exhale. (Take a big breath right now. Allow an exhale. Try it.) </div>
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This is the place of redemption. It is in this grace that you will find the gift of self-forgiveness. You will pay-off the debt: the price you have been paying in misery.<br />
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You will be free to feel the love of which you are apart. The greater love of the world- the stuff that is the binding force of connection between us all.<br />
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This is the place of worthiness. Of knowing: <b><span style="font-size: small;">your value is demonstrated in simply being</span></b>. There is nothing you need to do to be of value. You simply are. And that is enough.<br />
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This is a place of self-realization or divine love. By all names it is the same place and it is waiting for you.</div>
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It is in this grace that you will find that all of your dreams are possible. You belive this will be a scary place to go. You are afraid of what you will find when you see the treasure of your heart and the vastness of this love.<br />
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I will tell you the name of this place: it is a life of ease. A place where you can create the life you can't yet imagine. It is a place where there is no striving to keep up and survive; no need to struggle to prove your worth. In this place you can be who you are and live without fear of the PAIN. You no longer need to avoid/ numb/ complain. You can create the life of your dreams.</div>
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I invite you to explore this place (even though you may not think it applies to you). You may accept and yet spend many hours outside the door of PAIN examining the edges and thinking about the frame's construction. Vacuuming the rug you imagine to be right outside this door. I know. I have been there. I have thought the door would not be worthwhile. </div>
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I urge you to know that it is simply by walking through and facing the truth of this PAIN that you will move through into the place of your dreams- a place where you discover the treasure within your heart and the vastness of great love. </div>
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It is with great love that I leave you with these thoughts. </div>
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Heather. <br />
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</span>pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-61462192594502658462012-05-23T23:00:00.001-07:002012-05-23T23:40:37.568-07:00The heart of attachment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I trust you with my vulnerability. </div>
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This is the heart of the matter of attachment: I trust you with my vulnerability. I show you all of who I am: The worst of me and the best of me; the part of me without a mask.</div>
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I trust that when I show you this, you will not repel. You will not look away. You will not pretend that I didn't just show you and keep on with other conversation.</div>
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I trust that you will not respond to me with harshness or with criticism. When I am vulnerable with my feelings I trust that you will not tell me I should "get over it" or my feelings are wrong. Feelings can't be wrong, but they can be dismissed and that hurts.</div>
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I trust that you will not take for granted this part of me that I am sharing with you. I trust that you won't be careless or reckless with this delicate part of me. </div>
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I trust that you will listen and that you will do your best to say that you understand. Or in those times that you don't understand what I am saying, you will simply say: I'm here for you. I will listen and I will be with you. </div>
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When I show you who I am or when I express my feelings or my needs, I am sharing my vulnerability with you. I want you to know that when I do this, I am offering a gift and not a problem. </div>
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I don't mean to be an inconvenience. Maybe I am 92 years old and I am wondering if my concerns will be deemed as unworthy and dismissed as dementia. Maybe I am 2 months old crying alone wondering when I will be held again. I don't want to be a nuisance or a headache. I am trying to tell you who I am and I am sharing with you all of who I am.<br />
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I love you. I am attached to you. I am connected to you. All of this means: I trust you with my vulnerability. Hold it carefully and appreciate the gift as it is given.<br />
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Does it always look so soft? No. Sometimes I am lashing out- afraid of trusting. Sometimes I am yelling or criticizing or throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I am fearful that you cannot hold this gift I offer gently and so I start right off with a fight or with blame. I am ashamed that when I show you all of who I am, you will reject it and so I try to make it something to be repelled or rejected. Sometimes my fear of this delicate vulnerability that I hold is so great, it looks like I am angry with you. But I am not angry. I am afraid. Anger is only the cover. Really underneath the anger and the tantrum is the fear of my vulnerability being rejected. That you will see all of who I am- those moments of weakness- and you will reject me. <br />
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Please understand that at the heart of my connection to you; at the heart of my attachment to you is the yearning to trust you with my vulnerability. </div>
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Show me how I can be and not be afraid. Show me how I can share with you this innermost part of attachment/ connection/ love and trust you with all of who I am-- trust you with my vulnerability. </div>
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<br /></div>pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-91894998178214808262012-05-11T19:37:00.001-07:002012-05-12T18:47:20.872-07:00Generosity, Compassion and Boundaries<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNz0-g_fVkeWCDYOvtUvHCFtcbvqkLrJg9e8t2z_giPkPejfn1knFkoVBnsi44KkCtW00vMA_RB1s-73oNzP8N3_RMe6kJ6AykYJp-K2Gnq8dMFWlxhE1E74yme1ik53Uath3p_2hfL5o/s1600/compassion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNz0-g_fVkeWCDYOvtUvHCFtcbvqkLrJg9e8t2z_giPkPejfn1knFkoVBnsi44KkCtW00vMA_RB1s-73oNzP8N3_RMe6kJ6AykYJp-K2Gnq8dMFWlxhE1E74yme1ik53Uath3p_2hfL5o/s320/compassion.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I have been thinking lately about how much we give as helpers. By helpers I include: all helping professions, mothers and likely most women and some men. (!) I think that as 'a kind of person', you can identify people you know who are helpers. They are their own type. It's not that each of us can't give, its just some us are more inclined and thus some of us are more called on. 'A giver' or 'a helper' is a kind of person in that way. <br />
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There is a woman I know who is the most generous person you will ever meet. She will pay for dinner and drive you home after. She isn't a push over and in fact, if you are out of line by her way of thinking, she will call you on it and with passion! She truly understands difficulty and pain and so she strives to minimize that for those around her. She lives in abundance and so she gives from that abundance.<br />
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Brene Brown (you know I have a little social work crush on her, right?) says her interviews with people who she labels "the wholehearted" demonstrate that the most compassionate people also have the clearest boundaries. <br />
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Hmmm. </div>
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The most compassionate people have the clearest boundaries. </div>
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Interesting.</div>
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I give. I am a giver. I am much better at boundaries than I used to be. I would like to think that I am much better at identifying when I have given too much. In a professional situation it seems clearer to me than in a personal situation. With my family of origin, close friends or my children now, how do I know when I have given too much? Surely there must be a way to know before the feeling of resentment starts to creep in, right? <br />
<br />
Well, in my experience a boundary is always clear the moment after I have crossed it. I can always look back and say: "Whoa! Hold on! This has gone too far and you are asking too much!" (Or is it that I have offered too much?) The difficulty is in recognizing the boundary *before* I cross it.<br />
<br />
Back to my ultra-generous friend. Does she give too much? No, I don't think so. And this why: She gives from a place of compassion. She knows heartache and she feels deeply for others. She feels great compassion for others- clients, the staff with whom she works and friends and family. She gives generously from her heart, BUT she won't give more than she wants to give and she expects little in return. She is like a mama bird who wants to take care of her young. She gives with little expectation and she knows when to stop. She knows where she ends and another begins. <br />
<br />
I know that for me when I am connected to someone- as a family member or friend or in the brief time of sitting together as a counselor/ client (or as I like to call it: human/ human)- I give all that I am. When I am at my best, I am open to what the person across from me is saying and I am present in the moment.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
I can open my self up to another in a way I would describe as compassion: </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel you. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Or in the words of Neytiri in Avatar: </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I see you.</div>
<br />
To me, "I see you" is to say: I know who you are at a depth I cannot describe with words. I relate to you from a place of soulful understanding. I may not completely know the situation you are describing, but I relate to the feeling and I will share with you in that feeling. I will be with you as you go through the most difficult feelings- shame, disappointment, grief, sorrow and anger.<br />
<br />
To me that is the essence of connection. It is to be with you. To feel you. To see you.<br />
<br />
However, I know that it's equally important to know <u>where</u> I stop and <u>when</u> I must stop.I cannot live for another. I cannot be all<b> </b>to another.That includes my parents, siblings, partner and children. However, when I am whole within myself and able to identify those boundaries for myself, that is when I am most able to reach out and show compassion.<br />
<br />
It makes sense really. I can give from me only when I know me.<br />
<br />
Thoughts? Feel free to leave comments. :-)<br />
<br />
<br />
Heather. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-15320571948988369532012-04-29T19:02:00.001-07:002012-04-30T17:43:28.946-07:00Shame: The invisible gremlin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzrHyDhnwW6ODZF6dQVQyDVrEumRBPcwxxaQhhhk37Uu9eTTsm7qBbpzAPK3fZdP1LrI5rfzUHnbz6fLOLg952KJmEGK0TMI1jT8adcsI0eXK3Cfeuah3vWGjvWcO0E8adRVPKW6q7PuI/s1600/gremlin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzrHyDhnwW6ODZF6dQVQyDVrEumRBPcwxxaQhhhk37Uu9eTTsm7qBbpzAPK3fZdP1LrI5rfzUHnbz6fLOLg952KJmEGK0TMI1jT8adcsI0eXK3Cfeuah3vWGjvWcO0E8adRVPKW6q7PuI/s320/gremlin.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I recently had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Brene Brown speak at the Alberta College of Social Workers conference. I listened to her talk, live and in person for 4 hours. You may have seen her TED talks:<a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html" style="color: #20124d;">The power of vulnerability</a><span style="color: #20124d;"> </span>and <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html"><span style="color: #20124d;">Listening to Shame.</span> </a>Not long after seeing her speak, I decided to buy her curriculum- a 12-week psychoeducational course on understanding shame, shame resilience and empathy. And a moment after that, I thought I should get together 6 or 7 of my closest friends and we should "try it out." And so, a great group of moms and social workers (most of us are one and not the other and a couple of us are both) came together once a week to follow along with what Brene Brown has to say about shame.<br />
<br />
The effect after 3 weeks has been interesting. I am a strong proponent of: you create your own reality. I know from experience and through my work with <a href="http://www.innergateways.com/" style="color: #20124d;">Ellie at Inner Gateways</a>, that what I dialogue in my life is what I will experience in my life. So imagine, I started 'dialoguing shame' and I started having experiences where I felt shame or experienced my 'shame triggers'. This was mostly around paid work and achievement. More on that in another post. <br />
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Shame and 'shape' as referred to <a href="http://pointonthepath.blogspot.ca/2011/01/empowerment-of-people.html" style="color: #20124d;">in this blog post</a> are similar in my mind. Brene Brown says that shame is the belief: "I am a mistake", whereas guilt is the belief "I made a mistake". She says that the former "erodes the place of us that believes we can change". It is from shame then, that all bad things stem: drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, self-harm and suicide, depression, violence and aggression. Other points about shame: we all have it and none of us like to talk about it. <br />
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In the shapes teaching, our 'shape' is thought of as the unique shape we carry as a result of the messages we received growing up. The thought is that the shape we carry limits us in what we get in life. For example, if I grew up with a message that life is about obligation, lack and struggle, then as an adult trying to create a life I will find obligation, lack and struggle. Another easy example, is to think about a child abandoned by a parent at an early age. Later the child engages in partner relationships, work places and friendships where he is often unsupported or left completely. He may blame the world, but fundamentally he is creating a life limited by the 'shape' he carries. This is the basis of<span style="color: #20124d;"> </span><a href="http://www.innergateways.com/page13.html" style="color: #20124d;">white board work</a>. The good news is that with some recognition and understanding, the destiny line or 'shape' can be changed.<br />
<br />
Back to shame then (aka shape). The gremlin of shame is such that even when a shame story is spoken, another person can be triggered into feeling shame. Brene's example is the opening scene in <i>The King's Speech</i>, where King George is unable to talk to a large crowd of people. At first the crowd looks at him waiting and then they look at him with impatience and then the entire large crowd looks down at their feet in shame. The shame the King felt, crept out of him, across the ground and into the crowd. This is the nature of shame. It is a gremlin that crawls from me over to you and now we are both in the shame unable to proceed through it. <br />
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According to Brene Brown's research, the number one area of shame for women is appearance and body image. As educated and modern as we may be, women still feel shame regarding our bodies and and how we appear- clothes, make-up, hair and the rest of it.<br />
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Engaging these ideas of shame related to body image, recently led me to think that my last blog post- about gaining back weight I had lost- may be a shame trigger for some women and/or men. It occurred to me that some people may read about the regaining of weight and be triggered into feeling shame. What would be the feeling of shame for them? A sense of shame about their own body? A need to maintain a regime of food restriction and exercise that allowed them to maintain an ideal weight? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was feeling bad about their body- being too heavy, too short, too grey-haired, too poorly dressed? Just the horror that another person would admit to gaining weight?<br />
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I don't know the experience of other people, but I do know that Brene's course is based on the foundation that we *must* talk about shame. She says that shame breeds exponentially when doused in secrecy, silence and judgement, but that it is <poof> magically eradicated by recognizing shame triggers, reaching out, speaking shame and dousing it with critical awareness and, above all, <b><i>empathy. </i></b><br />
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I'm a social worker and a mother. I know that 'talking it out' will cure most of what ails ya. Of course, we need to make sure that at the other end of telling our story, is an ear that will understand. When speaking shame, we all need someone who can get past their own sense of shame (and consequent blame and judgement) and just simply give us: "I know what you mean. Me too."<br />
<br />
I wrote the blog post about weight in large part to speak about how I was feeling. In retrospect, it really was giving voice to my own shame about my body image and weight. It was a chance to share with others and hopefully lessen both my own shame (which it did!) and the shame that others may be feeling when struggling with their own weight. <br />
<br />
To that end, expect to see more blog posts about shame. Shame and abortion has been another huge area of thought for me lately. Also shame and mothering. Well, really, shame and almost everything! I have a whole new understanding of this word-shame- and I feel a sense power to speak out and about shame as a way of shrinking the nasty-fed-after-midnight-gremlin-of-shame. We do not need to feel isolated; we can speak out and see that for most of our "Very Bad Thoughts", most people would respond with: "I know. Me, too!"<br />
<br />
Warmly and with a big smile!<br />
<br />
Heather. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-39220196142133454792012-02-25T18:35:00.011-08:002017-06-17T12:26:12.132-07:00One more time...Many of my FB friends and anyone who has read more than the intro page of my <a href="http://www.pointonthepath.com/" style="color: #000066;">website</a> will know that I lost 100 lbs over 3 years. (Yay me!) I did it with a lot of hard work and the support of Weight Watchers. They are a great group for on-going support for healthy living. I had a lot of cheering friends and family as well, but mostly I had my own inner determination. Weight loss was a mountain I was going to climb! And I did. At my peak fitness I ran a 10k race in 63 minutes.<br />
<br />
Well, like 97% (!!) of people who lose weight I gained some of mine back. It's been 2 years since I made my weight loss goal and I have gained back 30lbs. :-(<br />
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I like to think that I know one or two things and so I should be able to keep my weight off. I <span style="font-style: italic;">know</span> that I dealt with the underlying issues for why I protected myself behind excess fat. I <span style="font-style: italic;">know</span> that my intensive years of spiritual work let me shed old skins and move in to new ways of being. I <span style="font-style: italic;">know</span> that I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. So how on earth did I slip right back into old patterns?!<br />
<br />
I have lots of excuses. When I have listed my reasons in confession to confidants I hear that they are good reasons (ya gotta love the people who love you!). And they are good-enough excuses: DIY renovations, a sick family member, an intense University course etc. But the real reason is a layer or two deeper than that.<br />
<br />
It's about the gravity of habit (As I learned from Ellie Hernon). For all the changes we can go through, we still have a comfortable baseline that we fall back on. We rely on the comfort of the place that is familiar. We do work on the Self and there is an elevation. From this place, we understand a bigger picture and we cultivate and create energy to move into another place. However, there is always the other pull. The weight of gravity that pulls us to the earth and to our comfortable habit and way of being.<br />
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For me, it's about accepting food in social gatherings big and small because I am enjoying the love. Its about confusing self-indulgence with self-care as I get a quiet moment to myself. It's about missing work-outs and long runs because I am a Very Very Busy Person and I don't have time for those. It's a place I lived for a lot of years and it's a familiar repetitive pattern: the worse I feel, the more I eat. The more I eat, the less I move. The less I move, the worse I feel. It feels like the Rock of Gibraltar. It's not pleasant over the long term, but it is a place I know well.<br />
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Deeper than that, it's about falling into a pattern of putting other peoples' needs ahead of my own. (Ouch, that hurts!) It's true. I am a middle child/ mother/ helping professional and my default is to help others before taking care of myself. In fact, in the moment, I can even feel a little noble about sacrificing my own needs. I will also do it with one area of my life over another. I will choose to focus so greatly on renovations or volunteer work or something else that I will neglect my own personal needs. The sacrifice becomes the excuse for the treat or the missed work out. As I write this now, that sounds weird and wrong to me, but I know it's part of my Rock that when left unchecked, I will just keep rolling up the hill.<br />
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You know what though? It doesn't work. I felt like crap. Over the last 6 months in particular, my mental state went from feeling my life was a fantastic gift full of joy and love to feeling like I couldn't handle things. And the more I felt like things were hard, the more I turned to the familiar comfort of sacrificing, eating and sitting.<br />
<br />
I am happy to say that I this is recently past tense. After a particularly crazy summer and fall (and who am I kidding- winter, too) I am on the upswing. I am back to working out, running and yoga. I can feel the difference. I sleep better. I eat better. I enjoy my family more. I am happier!<br />
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Sure there is still the reality that when I was losing weight, it was like a part-time job. I spent a fair amount time dealing with my food and working out. I don't want to have a life where I have to spend <span style="font-style: italic;">that much time</span> and be <span style="font-style: italic;"> that focused</span>, but I <span style="font-style: italic;">do</span> want to do it better.<br />
<br />
Instead of climbing Weight Loss Mountain (and apparently rolling down it again!), I want to make a new comfortable home on the mountain. I want to find the place that isn't at the pinnacle of fitness or the apex of professional achievement or even (gasp) the peak of spiritual enlightenment. I want to live on that part of the mountain that offers an integration of all these things- spirit, body and mind. I want to live in all of these aspects of my life everyday.<br />
<br />
Here is what I think the secret to this particular spot on the mountain might be; the simplest lesson of them all: <span style="font-size: 100%; font-weight: bold;">take care of your self.</span><br />
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Eat properly. Drink water. Get enough rest. Move your body. Have quiet time alone in your head. Have time with loved ones. Let your own needs be met. Allow yourself to care and nurture your Self- everyday.<br />
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It seems too easy to be true, doesn't it? It even feels a little disappointing to think that's it. Well, I think its one of those life truths that is easy to espouse, but remarkably difficult to achieve:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Put the rock down and walk away.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Dare to meet your needs.<br />
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Whoa!<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading.<br />
<br />
Heather.pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-49577833114437634132012-01-25T18:42:00.000-08:002017-06-17T12:16:03.847-07:00Paths of LifeI love the name of my "business": Point on the Path. I love it because it says that we meet only in this moment, but that we both come from a past and go into a future. Right off the bat, there is context to the relationship and that's refreshing. Ahhh....<br />
<br />
I wanted to post some pictures that my dear ol' Dad sent to me this week. Look at all the different ways to imagine our path! Take a moment to reflect: do any of these images seem like your life path right now? Which one? What is it about the picture that feels like your life?<br />
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I love the visual and these images certainly appeal to that! I don't have any big words of wisdom today, just pictures. And you know what they say.... a picture is worth a thousand words.<br />
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In love,<br />
Heather.<br />
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cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 193px;" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyDFTHzW4qIVQ_GJltKtMsxX3C51HXOW4G4shXoapfc0JKQW4Am8Zc5htJwLIbEhLrFHXZuppO94-hgldITzhtULu6lT1KSJemdKvrJ9t7aC8pVZASRRdJ7gCkSpo26JedFYpxk1Q-X1Y/s1600/ATT00092.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5701767777173258178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyDFTHzW4qIVQ_GJltKtMsxX3C51HXOW4G4shXoapfc0JKQW4Am8Zc5htJwLIbEhLrFHXZuppO94-hgldITzhtULu6lT1KSJemdKvrJ9t7aC8pVZASRRdJ7gCkSpo26JedFYpxk1Q-X1Y/s320/ATT00092.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 217px;" /></a>pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-60279148974064701612011-05-17T12:15:00.000-07:002017-06-17T12:20:28.919-07:00The Value of an Empty MindIsn't your mind mostly full, most of the time? Mine is. I run the to-do lists. Think about the family calendar. Think about what someone said recently or something I heard on the radio. I am always in a conversation in my head. I challenge you to become aware of your thoughts over the next 24 hours. Spend a day watching your thoughts and see what you see. I think you will be surprised how busy your mind actually is!<br />
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One thing I notice with my kids in school this year (after homeschooling for Grades 1-3), is that a big chunk of their day is filled with filling their minds. Facts and processes about letters, numbers, nature, art. "Listen. We're telling you something. You need to know this to make it in the world." This is the message schools give.<br />
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But here is the problem: The incessant chatter inhibits another whole level of thought processing.<br />
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An empty mind is a beautiful mind. Instead of having to focus on a task (listening to someone talk or working out a problem linearly), an empty mind can engage in more abstract thought and take illogical jumps from one place to another. Achieving an empty mind takes time. It takes s l o w i n g down and that's hard. Lately I have to take a whole day. It starts in the morning with time keeping my body busy- washing dishes, running, driving about the town running errands. Then I eat lunch and make some tea. My living room couch has often been my place to slow down my mind. I put on some mind-numbing music. The kind that acts as white noise to the myriad of thoughts. Something with an om or a repetitive beat that acts like a trance.<br />
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The state of an empty mind is a trance; a form of meditation; an altered state of consciousness. It's not simply daydreaming. From this place there are other ways of experiencing thought. The conversations at this level of consciousness are not about the physical world or the network of society. It's a slower pace or as some might say, a higher level of vibration. This place is a whole new world. From here creative thought-- the form of original ideas can happen. From this place I can take stock of my life and see what I want to change or appreciate. From this place I can connect with spirit and flow freely in a universal pool of love.<br />
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Children need this too. For a child, the empty mind means a chance to ask her own questions. To explore how things work and how things could work if there were no laws of physics. It is a opportunity for creative expression, but also a chance to connect to a larger space and place- to hear her own guides and know her place in a world beyond this one. It's like connecting to home at a soulful level.<br />
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To often we think that a full mind, a busy mind, is a productive one. Well that's not true. An empty mind has it's own kind of productivity: it fills your emotional cup, connects you to your larger sense of being and allows you to just simply be- right now, loved and valued for you.<br />
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After you watch your busy mind for 24 hours, I challenge you: take an hour and *allow* your mind to empty out. No immediate acting on good ideas. No TV. No directing meditation CDs. I would suggest rhythmic and repetitive music though. Just allow your mind to empty. Don`t push on it. Don`t pull. Just let it be. Remember to set your intention to have this empty-mind experience, but not fall asleep. Start with sitting up. Then just let the thoughts come and then let them go.<br />
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When you feel a conversation starting, get a pen. Write down one or two words or more if they come to mind. Play and see what happens. This is the place of your intuitive voice. This is the place of a new experience in the way of being.<br />
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Heather.pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2691027610028927070.post-46490451084330619302011-05-04T09:40:00.000-07:002012-02-25T21:43:36.849-08:00The right lifeWhat is the most righteous path? How is the best life lived? What makes a good life?<br /><br />I imagine these questions being asked by a breathless, sweaty climber who has reached a guru atop a rocky mountain. Yet, as reflective beings, we do ask similar questions in our day-to-day life. Without the drama of the high mountain climb, in our cars or in the shower, we ponder: what is the right life? The questions may look more like:<br /><br />Should I stay home with my children or return to paid work?<br />Is it better to stay in the safe job with an employer or take a risk and try something new?<br />Am I happy in this relationship/ marriage?<br />Should I be tough on my teen-aged child or be compassionate to his/her struggle?<br />Can I tell my mom/ dad/ sibling/ boss how I really feel?<br /><br />Of course there are many more questions where we wonder what is the *right* choice.<br /><br />I recently struggled with a decision about what steps to take next. Should I pursue teaching spiritual circles and focus my efforts on getting more people to come? Or should I continue in the paper-pushing work of getting clinical social work status and taking a few graduate courses? Or should I work away making some money with less loftier aims and primarily focus on the needs of my still-young-but-not-for-long daughters?<br /><br />I struggled with feeling obligated to my spiritual teachers. I felt that if I have been taught one or two things spiritually that I *should* share the gift. It is not meant for me alone and so I must pass it on. However, I am not ready, in many ways, to focus my efforts on spiritual teaching full-time. I am worried about making a business sustainable and I fear I might not be successful.<br /><br />This is what happened to me during this time of struggle:<br /><br />Talking to an indecisive woman about to have an abortion I heard myself say: There is no judgement. There is no *right* choice here. If you choose this path (in her case have a 4th child), your life will look like this. If you choose this other path (in her case have an abortion), this is how your life may look. This is the burden of choice. How your life is created is up to you. This isn't about who is inconvenienced by your choice, this is between you, God (however you understand that term) and your child.<br /><br />So read that paragraph twice. First there are the words to a woman who is scared she will hate herself if she aborts her fourth pregnancy/ child, but at the same time feels overwhelmed with three small children already. This alone is profound and meaningful.<br /><br />The second time you read it, it's a message to me about my struggle: what is the right life? Here is the answer:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">The right life is the one that you create.<br />There is no obligation.<br />It isn't about who is inconvenienced,<br />it's about you, God and your child*.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;">(*The feel of "your child" is implied to mean my role as mother,<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;">but also the implication to future generations- do no harm.) </span><br /></div><br />So now then... what is the right life for you?<br /><br />Well, that's just it. There is no *right* answer. Live with an open heart and hear your own wisdom. You know the answers. There is only love. When you get past the fear, obligation and sense of lack there is no struggle. You are the creator of your life.<br /><br /><br />With love,<br /><br />Heather.pointonthepathhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15185085366998666885noreply@blogger.com2