The heart of attachment

 I trust you with my vulnerability. 

This is the heart of the matter of attachment: I trust you with my vulnerability. I show you all of  who I am: The worst of me and the best of me; the part of me without a mask.

I trust that when I show you this, you will not repel. You will not look away. You will not pretend that I didn't just show you and keep on with other conversation.

I trust that you will not respond to me with harshness or with criticism. When I am vulnerable with my feelings I trust that you will not tell me I should "get over it" or my feelings are wrong. Feelings can't be wrong, but they can be dismissed and that hurts.

I trust that you will not take for granted this part of me that I am sharing with you. I trust that you won't be careless or reckless with this delicate part of me. 

I trust that you will listen and that you will do your best to say that you understand. Or in those times that you don't understand what I am saying, you will simply say: I'm here for you. I will listen and I will be with you. 

When I show you who I am or when I express my feelings or my needs, I am sharing my vulnerability with you. I want you to know that when I do this, I am offering a gift and not a problem. 

I don't mean to be an inconvenience. Maybe I am 92 years old and I am wondering if my concerns will be deemed as unworthy and dismissed as dementia. Maybe I am 2 months old crying alone wondering when I will be held again. I don't want to be a nuisance or a headache. I am trying to tell you who I am and I am sharing with you all of who I am.

I love you. I am attached to you. I am connected to you. All of this means: I trust you with my vulnerability. Hold it carefully and appreciate the gift as it is given.

Does it always look so soft? No. Sometimes I am lashing out- afraid of trusting. Sometimes I am yelling or criticizing or throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I am fearful that you cannot hold this gift I offer gently and so I start right off with a fight or with blame. I am ashamed that when I show you all of who I am, you will reject it and so I try to make it something to be repelled or rejected. Sometimes my fear of this delicate vulnerability that I hold is so great, it looks like I am angry with you. But I am not angry. I am afraid. Anger is only the cover. Really underneath the anger and the tantrum is the fear of my vulnerability being rejected. That you will see all of who I am- those moments of weakness- and you will reject me.

Please understand that at the heart of my connection to you; at the heart of my attachment to you is the yearning to trust you with my vulnerability.

Show me how I can be and not be afraid. Show me how I can share with you this innermost part of attachment/ connection/ love and trust you with all of who I am-- trust you with my vulnerability.

Generosity, Compassion and Boundaries

I have been thinking lately about how much we give as helpers. By helpers I include: all helping professions, mothers and likely most women and some men. (!) I think that as 'a kind of person', you can identify people you know who are helpers. They are their own type. It's not that each of us can't give, its just some us are more inclined and thus some of us are more called on.  'A giver' or 'a helper' is a kind of person in that way.

There is a woman I know who is the most generous person you will ever meet. She will pay for dinner and drive you home after. She isn't a push over and in fact, if you are out of line by her way of thinking, she will call you on it and with passion! She truly understands difficulty and pain and so she strives to minimize that for those around her. She lives in abundance and so she gives from that abundance.

Brene Brown (you know I have a little social work crush on her, right?) says her interviews with people who she labels "the wholehearted" demonstrate that the most compassionate people also have the clearest boundaries.

Hmmm. 

The most compassionate people have the clearest boundaries. 

Interesting.

I give. I am a giver. I am much better at boundaries than I used to be. I would like to think that I am much better at identifying when I have given too much. In a professional situation it seems clearer to me than in a personal situation. With my family of origin, close friends or my children now, how do I know when I have given too much? Surely there must be a way to know before the feeling of resentment starts to creep in, right?

Well, in my experience a boundary is always clear the moment after I have crossed it. I can always look back and say: "Whoa! Hold on! This has gone too far and you are asking too much!" (Or is it that I have offered too much?) The difficulty is in recognizing the boundary *before* I cross it.

Back to my ultra-generous friend. Does she give too much? No, I don't think so. And this why: She gives from a place of compassion. She knows heartache and she feels deeply for others. She feels great compassion for others- clients, the staff with whom she works and friends and family. She gives generously from her heart, BUT she won't give more than she wants to give and she expects little in return. She is like a mama bird who wants to take care of her young. She gives with little expectation and she knows when to stop. She knows where she ends and another begins.

I know that for me when I am connected to someone- as a family member or friend or in the brief time of sitting together as a counselor/ client (or as I like to call it: human/ human)- I give all that I am. When I am at my best, I am open to what the person across from me is saying and I am present in the moment.

I can open my self up to another in a way I would describe as compassion: 

I feel you. 

Or in the words of Neytiri in Avatar: 

I see you.

To me, "I see you" is to say: I know who you are at a depth I cannot describe with words. I relate to you from a place of soulful understanding. I may not completely know the situation you are describing, but I relate to the feeling and I will share with you in that feeling. I will be with you as you go through the most difficult feelings- shame, disappointment, grief, sorrow and anger.

To me that is the essence of connection. It is to be with you. To feel you. To see you.

However, I know that it's equally important to know where I stop and when I must stop.I cannot live for another. I cannot be all to another.That includes my parents, siblings, partner and children. However, when I am whole within myself and able to identify those boundaries for myself, that is when I am most able to reach out and show compassion.

It makes sense really. I can give from me only when I know me.

Thoughts? Feel free to leave comments. :-)


Heather.