It's the end of the world...and I feel fine!

We have been celebrating winter solstice-December 21st, the shortest day of the year- as a nuclear family for many years now. Its a quiet day just for us and we leave December 25th for my parents' traditions and extended family.

This year is a little different- we built a labyrinth in the backyard. I love it. I walk past every time I leave the house for the car and every time I come home again. My metaphorical spiritual path is much more in my awareness when my physical representation is right there all the time!

So, partly with those thoughts, I started reading 'the stuff' about December 21st. In 2012.

It's the end of the world! It's the second coming! It's when earthlings will make contact with aliens! And if we live through all of those predictions, it's the beginning of a New Era.

I suppose my reading should have, at best left me jaded and, at worst left me fearful or scared, but it did neither. I feel FINE! In fact, I feel ELATED! What a relief! Maybe we can get past the end of the world language. Maybe we can move past it and into whatever this New Era will be.



I was born in 1971. For as long as I can remember the world was ending. I grew up with the Cold War and then the beginning popularity of environmental awareness- the end of CFCs (who knew my big hair in the 1980's/ hairspray was killing the earth?) and the beginning of popular recycling and various environmental reforms.

But... before we had time to collect ourselves, everyone was carrying on about Y2K. The world was ending because the digital world we created wouldn't be able to cope. We lived past the clicking dial of December 31, 1999 and so did our ATM machines and PCs. We saw January 1st, 2000 and so did our extra supplies of bottled water and canned food.

I know we are hardly past the threats to the earth. I know that threat of the escalation of conflict (used to be called war) and the threat to the environment exist in this moment while I'm writing. In both areas things have not come far enough fast enough and threat is still there. I don't minimize the important issues that require attention and advocacy, but I don't think that they are likely to kill us by any instant dramatic means either.


And so there is something about the anticipation of December 21,2012 that leaves me relieved and hopeful.

At the very worst anything bad will have happened and we'll be dealing with it. At the best, the sun will rise on the 22nd and things will look relatively the same (most likely scenario!). The governance model of the planet won't have changed. We won't be ruled by aliens. And we won't have disappeared- wafting away in smoke as the last day of the Mayan calendar has passed.

What will have happened is simply that we will have survived another numerical designation of our doom. Will the problems all be solved? Of course not. However, we will have arrived at another important milestone in our collective human history. We will have lived to say: "I survived the end of the world."


I'm elated, perhaps in part, from ignorance. I don't know of any other markers coming in my lifetime that are predicting the death of all humanity as we know it. The December 21, 2012 prediction was a bit of a left over from the turn of the Century in my view. We made it through. That's it people. Now it's time to just live.

Stop worrying about who will be judged and who will be condemned. Stop worrying about eternal hell or being made a martyr or a saint on Earth. It will be time to move ahead. Into the New Era? I hope so.


I'm also elated because it brings all those bits and pieces in my own life back into perspective. Who the hell cares what is clean in the house and what is not if the world is ending?

Q: What's important if I have only 2 weeks to live *as-I-am-now*?

A:  Love.
     Being enough.
     Knowing that I am, and all the people I love are... Enough.

There are no children that need teaching, molding, changing. There is no husband who needs to hear me or do this or that. There are no imperfect relationships in my life. And really everything else is just non-sense.

If it's the end of the world as I know it? Well, I feel fine.

Let's start anew. If you're still here on December 22nd and things are pretty much as they are now, consider committing to these ideas:

1. There is nothing that needs to change in my life.

2. I love who I am and where I am at even though it's imperfect, messy and not exactly like a picture from a magazine/ movie/ Facebook.

3.  I will share with the people around me the authentic person that I am and not some image of the person I think they will accept.

4.  I will accept *all* people around me as they are and love them for their effort without judging them for not being the image I want them/ need them to be.

If that brings us to a New Era, one that will be seen 2000 years from now as turning point past the domination of individualistic thinking and one that begins radical self-acceptance and community-oriented thinking, that's the best 'end-of-the-world' gift I can imagine.

Because it is only when I consider myself, others and my planet with acceptance and compassion that I can truly influence anyone or anything. 

Whew. Truth! Let's move on, shall we?

Labyrinths

I haven't posted in a long time. Earlier this month I had the chance to go to Maui. While I was there, I and 18 colleagues- admin staff, social workers and nurses- visited The Sacred Garden owned and operated by Eve Hogan, author of The Way of the Winding Path. What a treat!

We listened to Eve talk about the labyrinth as a metaphor for the way we lived our life and few other metaphorical stories to capture our imaginations and allow us to think in new ways. While we were there, we had a chance to walk her 11-circut labyrinth modeled after the Chartres Cathedral in France.

It was a pleasure to walk it with my fellow co-workers and it did indeed reflect a lot of what I have been feeling about my role at the clinic and allowed for an opportunity to pause in time and place and reflect.

What I want to talk about now though is the labyrinth I have busily been working on for the last several days.

 

I came home and within days went to work on a snow labyrinth in my backyard. Well if walking a labyrinth is a metaphor for how we live in the real world, I can tell you that much more so is the making of a labyrinth. 

I started out with the idea and then told Steve, my wonderful husband. He had lots of input, but wasn't rushing to make it for me. I decided it *needed* to be built and headed outside on a mild Sunday morning. I was trying to make it while being followed around by my 9-year-old twins. I love them dearly, but in a middle of this project all I could say was: "This isn't relaxing yet. This is very stressful, you need to stop talking. I'm trying to do math!" I was being completely ignored by my 11 1/2 year-old daughter. 

I marked out the pattern of where the walls would go by walking the diagram in my hand. No problem. Then I tried to invert it. I needed to make the part that was my foot tracks into walls the parts that were currently raised into paths! This might not be my thing. Did I mention that I *needed* to build the labyrinth? The design wasn't complicated, (classic 7-circuit design), but the inversion was tricky. Was I supposed to put a little wall of snow here or there? Where were the lines and where was the path going to be?

Steve sat quietly out of the way in his office until I called into the back hall and down the stairs (while the 9-year-olds were giving me advice about it all). I couldn't come in to the house too far since I was covered with snow... and determined! Steve came out and followed the drawing like a puzzle to assist me in where the walls would be. You can't tell from the picture here, but when Steve came out, I had the first wide ring of lights; then a ring of a rope; a ring of the garden hose that might have a leak; then a ring of lights that don't seem to work; then a ring of the lights that do work, but aren't plugged in.... all in an attempt to figure out where to stomp down the snow to make a path. Oh, and there were some weird blue lines in the snow made by a spray bottle with blue dye. It kept the twins busy, but I have one sink permanently stained blue.

Steve came out and helped with the end part. He solved the puzzle! It was just about a project that would have no ending (literally, since the labyrinth pattern was wrong and kept going in a never-ending circle!) Just when I thought it couldn't be built, Steve came out and declared it a working labyrinth. It all came together! I took this picture and put it on FB, declaring a success!

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Then it snowed. Then I went to walk it. 

I had made a goat path! How could I have invited people over to walk it? I could barely put one foot in front of the other in some places. It might be the most lame labyrinth of the entire arctic wintery history! This is terrible. 

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Finally a few days later I had a day off. I went out with a spade, an edger (think: for sod) and a kids size shovel (the perfect width, but a short handle). I spent two hours carving the snow and increasing the width of the paths! What a life reflection! 

First I started around the wide outside edges. No problem. Man! Am I good! People are going to come to this labyrinth walk and think I'm great. They are going to LOVE it! This is wonderful! I am wonderful! 

Then I got tired. I was really sweating under all my fleece at -15 C! What was I thinking? I shouldn't have people over. They are going to judge this, but tell me it's fine. Its not fine!

Okay, I can do this. Its hard, but really love what I'm doing. I'm SO happy to have a labyrinth in my backyard. Who cares what people think? This is fantastic. I am literally carving out my spiritual journey. I need that. My clients need that-- carving out time and space for oneself. This is important (but really hard) work that I am doing. Its so pertinent to personal development. I'm on a roll! 

I started to get REALLY tired, but I was getting closer to the middle- only three more circuits to go. I can't believe that the paths are this narrow. What was I thinking when I made this? Why would I have done such a terrible job? People won't be able to pass on this walkway. I'll do it better next year. Who am I kidding? I won't make this again. This is way too hard. I should give up now. I can't keep shoveling out these paths. They are too narrow and the snow is too powdery to stay up on the little walls. I should just go in and forget about it. 

Then I cleaned out the snow in the centre. 

I can do this. Look where I am. Who else can say that they physically created a spiritual path? Really! I HAVE A LABYRINTH! This should make the news. This is great! This is the best thing of the year! I actually did it! Do I have enough pictures? One picture won't be enough. I should take more. I wonder how I could get more lights. (ie: 'not enough' thinking- even though I had a lot!).

*******************************

Then I walked the labyrinth. I went inside first actually. I took a shower, changed and ate lunch. I felt rejuvenated. I went out to visit my new-and-improved-paths. I walked along the outside edges and I walked along the inside edges listening to mediation music on my phone. I felt satisfied. I kept thinking about who else would come and walk this labyrinth before it melted? How much joy could the labyrinth mete out before it was gone and the girls' trampoline was in its place? Nothing lasts forever, but I will enjoy this while I can. Holy cow! I am SO lucky!

I came to the middle of the labyrinth and paused with a deep breath. I felt the brightness of the sun on my face. And I felt the cold wind on my cheeks. It was still -15 and now it felt like it. 

"I have arrived!",  I thought.

"I am surrounded by the warmth and beauty of my family and my home and my yard."

"I am grateful for all that I have."

"I am enough. 

I have enough.

I do enough."

Ahhh.... Enough. Is there a better word in the English language? 

Now its time to go in and make supper. 

No pretense. No self-doubt. No judgement. Just living to live. Just walking the sacred path because it is carved. Feeling satisfied. It is carved because I chose it to be. How lucky am I? SO lucky! This will only stay a short while and I will appreciate every minute of it. I promise. :-)

With love,

Heather.

The dark passage of grace

Every midwife knows
that not until a mother’s womb
softens from the pain of labour
will a way unfold
and the infant find that opening to be born.
Oh friend!
There is treasure in your heart,
it is heavy with child.
Listen.
All the awakened ones,

like trusted midwives are saying,
'welcome this pain.
It opens the dark passage of Grace.
~Rumi

 

The truth of this quote is ancient. It is the first step on the path of enlightenment; it is the foundation of therapy; it is the key to happiness!

We all do it. We see the pain. We smell the pain. We have a bit of a sense of the pain and we walk away in the other direction. We keep ourselves busy and distracted. We avoid. We numb. We complain. We do anything we can to avoid taking the first step. That is the step into and *through* the pain. 

The mistake we make is in falsely believing that if we feel the feelings of the pain we will never return. We falsely believe that if we move into the pain we will either break in a way that we can't be fixed or be lost in a way that we can't be found. 

Imagine this: (I wish I could draw on a blog).

Numb/ Avoid          <-----    YOU ------> PAIN    ------->     Everything you dreamed possible.

Misery                                                        

2 x 4 over the head

 

We go in the opposite direction of the pain.  We are not happy. We might even be miserable, but it is a misery with which we are familiar and so we keep at it. 

In the numbing and avoiding we are living our lives, but are not happy. We feel stressed, rushed, in survival mode, unable to keep up. We are spinning our wheels in obligation. Trying to get by. We feel alone and depressed or angry and resentful. We have no time for self-care: eating well, exercising, self-reflection and self-love.


We won't take time to stop and when we do stop, we numb.

I think of hitting oneself over the head with a 2 x 4. We keep doing what we have always done because we are so afraid to put down the 2 x 4. Even though what we are doing hurts us we don't know what we would do if we weren't doing this. We are afraid of the PAIN and we are afraid of what is on the other side of it. The void on the other side is a fear only second to the PAIN.

*********

This is the first step- put down the avoiding/ numbing/complaining behaviors. Dare to walk away from the misery. 

Then you will have to see the PAIN. You will have to admit to the whiff in the air of the thing you are trying to avoid. Each person's pain carries it's own name, but after exploring you will call it worthlessness. You will see that the misery comes from avoiding the feeling that without the misery you feel worthless. This is the reason for the fear of the pain. This is the core of the pain for each of us. It is a part of the human condition.

The recognition of this is the pain akin to labor in childbirth. This is the pain you are avoiding. And it is in moving through this pain that you will find grace. 

*********

Grace = Exhale. (Take a big breath right now. Allow an exhale. Try it.) 

This is the place of redemption. It is in this grace that you will find the gift of self-forgiveness. You will pay-off the debt: the price you have been paying in misery.

You will be free to feel the love of which you are apart. The greater love of the world- the stuff that is the binding force of connection between us all.

This is the place of worthiness. Of knowing: your value is demonstrated in simply being. There is nothing you need to do to be of value. You simply are. And that is enough.

This is a place of self-realization or divine love. By all names it is the same place and it is waiting for you.

********

It is in this grace that you will find that all of your dreams are possible. You belive this will be a scary place to go. You are afraid of what you will find when you see the treasure of your heart and the vastness of this love.

 I will tell you the name of this place: it is a life of ease. A place where you can create the life you can't yet imagine. It is a place where there is no striving to keep up and survive; no need to struggle to prove your worth. In this place you can be who you are and live without fear of the PAIN.  You no longer need to avoid/ numb/ complain. You can create the life of your dreams.

********

I invite you to explore this place (even though you may not think it applies to you). You may accept and yet spend many hours outside the door of PAIN examining the edges and thinking about the frame's construction. Vacuuming the rug you imagine to be right outside this door. I know. I have been there. I have thought the door would not be worthwhile. 

I urge you to know that it is simply by walking through and facing the truth of this PAIN that you will move through into the place of your dreams- a place where you discover the treasure within your heart and the vastness of great love.

It is with great love that I leave you with these thoughts. 

Heather. 

The heart of attachment

 I trust you with my vulnerability. 

This is the heart of the matter of attachment: I trust you with my vulnerability. I show you all of  who I am: The worst of me and the best of me; the part of me without a mask.

I trust that when I show you this, you will not repel. You will not look away. You will not pretend that I didn't just show you and keep on with other conversation.

I trust that you will not respond to me with harshness or with criticism. When I am vulnerable with my feelings I trust that you will not tell me I should "get over it" or my feelings are wrong. Feelings can't be wrong, but they can be dismissed and that hurts.

I trust that you will not take for granted this part of me that I am sharing with you. I trust that you won't be careless or reckless with this delicate part of me. 

I trust that you will listen and that you will do your best to say that you understand. Or in those times that you don't understand what I am saying, you will simply say: I'm here for you. I will listen and I will be with you. 

When I show you who I am or when I express my feelings or my needs, I am sharing my vulnerability with you. I want you to know that when I do this, I am offering a gift and not a problem. 

I don't mean to be an inconvenience. Maybe I am 92 years old and I am wondering if my concerns will be deemed as unworthy and dismissed as dementia. Maybe I am 2 months old crying alone wondering when I will be held again. I don't want to be a nuisance or a headache. I am trying to tell you who I am and I am sharing with you all of who I am.

I love you. I am attached to you. I am connected to you. All of this means: I trust you with my vulnerability. Hold it carefully and appreciate the gift as it is given.

Does it always look so soft? No. Sometimes I am lashing out- afraid of trusting. Sometimes I am yelling or criticizing or throwing a tantrum. Sometimes I am fearful that you cannot hold this gift I offer gently and so I start right off with a fight or with blame. I am ashamed that when I show you all of who I am, you will reject it and so I try to make it something to be repelled or rejected. Sometimes my fear of this delicate vulnerability that I hold is so great, it looks like I am angry with you. But I am not angry. I am afraid. Anger is only the cover. Really underneath the anger and the tantrum is the fear of my vulnerability being rejected. That you will see all of who I am- those moments of weakness- and you will reject me.

Please understand that at the heart of my connection to you; at the heart of my attachment to you is the yearning to trust you with my vulnerability.

Show me how I can be and not be afraid. Show me how I can share with you this innermost part of attachment/ connection/ love and trust you with all of who I am-- trust you with my vulnerability.

Generosity, Compassion and Boundaries

I have been thinking lately about how much we give as helpers. By helpers I include: all helping professions, mothers and likely most women and some men. (!) I think that as 'a kind of person', you can identify people you know who are helpers. They are their own type. It's not that each of us can't give, its just some us are more inclined and thus some of us are more called on.  'A giver' or 'a helper' is a kind of person in that way.

There is a woman I know who is the most generous person you will ever meet. She will pay for dinner and drive you home after. She isn't a push over and in fact, if you are out of line by her way of thinking, she will call you on it and with passion! She truly understands difficulty and pain and so she strives to minimize that for those around her. She lives in abundance and so she gives from that abundance.

Brene Brown (you know I have a little social work crush on her, right?) says her interviews with people who she labels "the wholehearted" demonstrate that the most compassionate people also have the clearest boundaries.

Hmmm. 

The most compassionate people have the clearest boundaries. 

Interesting.

I give. I am a giver. I am much better at boundaries than I used to be. I would like to think that I am much better at identifying when I have given too much. In a professional situation it seems clearer to me than in a personal situation. With my family of origin, close friends or my children now, how do I know when I have given too much? Surely there must be a way to know before the feeling of resentment starts to creep in, right?

Well, in my experience a boundary is always clear the moment after I have crossed it. I can always look back and say: "Whoa! Hold on! This has gone too far and you are asking too much!" (Or is it that I have offered too much?) The difficulty is in recognizing the boundary *before* I cross it.

Back to my ultra-generous friend. Does she give too much? No, I don't think so. And this why: She gives from a place of compassion. She knows heartache and she feels deeply for others. She feels great compassion for others- clients, the staff with whom she works and friends and family. She gives generously from her heart, BUT she won't give more than she wants to give and she expects little in return. She is like a mama bird who wants to take care of her young. She gives with little expectation and she knows when to stop. She knows where she ends and another begins.

I know that for me when I am connected to someone- as a family member or friend or in the brief time of sitting together as a counselor/ client (or as I like to call it: human/ human)- I give all that I am. When I am at my best, I am open to what the person across from me is saying and I am present in the moment.

I can open my self up to another in a way I would describe as compassion: 

I feel you. 

Or in the words of Neytiri in Avatar: 

I see you.

To me, "I see you" is to say: I know who you are at a depth I cannot describe with words. I relate to you from a place of soulful understanding. I may not completely know the situation you are describing, but I relate to the feeling and I will share with you in that feeling. I will be with you as you go through the most difficult feelings- shame, disappointment, grief, sorrow and anger.

To me that is the essence of connection. It is to be with you. To feel you. To see you.

However, I know that it's equally important to know where I stop and when I must stop.I cannot live for another. I cannot be all to another.That includes my parents, siblings, partner and children. However, when I am whole within myself and able to identify those boundaries for myself, that is when I am most able to reach out and show compassion.

It makes sense really. I can give from me only when I know me.

Thoughts? Feel free to leave comments. :-)


Heather.

Shame: The invisible gremlin

I recently had the pleasure of listening to Dr. Brene Brown speak at the Alberta College of Social Workers conference. I listened to her talk, live and in person for 4 hours. You may have seen her TED talks:The power of vulnerability and Listening to Shame. Not long after seeing her speak, I decided to buy her curriculum- a 12-week psychoeducational course on understanding shame, shame resilience and empathy. And a moment after that, I thought I should get together 6 or 7 of my closest friends and we should "try it out." And so, a great group of moms and social workers (most of us are one and not the other and a couple of us are both) came together once a week to follow along with what Brene Brown has to say about shame.

The effect after 3 weeks has been interesting. I am a strong proponent of: you create your own reality. I know from experience and through my work with Ellie at Inner Gateways, that what I dialogue in my life is what I will experience in my life. So imagine, I started 'dialoguing shame' and I started having experiences where I felt shame or experienced my 'shame triggers'. This was mostly around paid work and achievement. More on that in another post.

Shame and 'shape' as referred to in this blog post are similar in my mind. Brene Brown says that shame is the belief: "I am a mistake", whereas guilt is the belief "I made a mistake". She says that the former "erodes the place of us that believes we can change". It is from shame then, that all bad things stem: drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, self-harm and suicide, depression, violence and aggression. Other points about shame: we all have it and none of us like to talk about it. 

In the shapes teaching, our 'shape' is thought of as the unique shape we carry as a result of the messages we received growing up. The thought is that the shape we carry limits us in what we get in life. For example, if I grew up with a message that life is about obligation, lack and struggle, then as an adult trying to create a life I will find obligation, lack and struggle. Another easy example, is to think about a child abandoned by a parent at an early age. Later the child engages in partner relationships, work places and friendships where he is often unsupported or left completely.  He may blame the world, but fundamentally he is creating a life limited by the 'shape' he carries. This is the basis of white board work. The good news is that with some recognition and understanding, the destiny line or 'shape' can be changed.

Back to shame then (aka shape). The gremlin of shame is such that even when a shame story is spoken, another person can be triggered into feeling shame. Brene's example is the opening scene in The King's Speech, where King George is unable to talk to a large crowd of people. At first the crowd looks at him waiting and then they look at him with impatience and then the entire large crowd looks down at their feet in shame. The shame the King felt, crept out of him, across the ground and into the crowd. This is the nature of shame. It is a gremlin that crawls from me over to you and now we are both in the shame unable to proceed through it.

According to Brene Brown's research, the number one area of shame for women is appearance and body image. As educated and modern as we may be, women still feel shame regarding our bodies and and how we appear- clothes, make-up, hair and the rest of it.

Engaging these ideas of shame related to body image, recently led me to think that my last blog post- about gaining back weight I had lost- may be a shame trigger for some women and/or men. It occurred to me that some people may read about the regaining of weight and be triggered into feeling shame. What would be the feeling of shame for them? A sense of shame about their own body? A need to maintain a regime of food restriction and exercise that allowed them to maintain an ideal weight? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was feeling bad about their body- being too heavy, too short, too grey-haired, too poorly dressed? Just the horror that another person would admit to gaining weight?

I don't know the experience of other people, but I do know that Brene's course is based on the foundation that we *must* talk about shame. She says that shame breeds exponentially when doused in secrecy, silence and judgement, but that it is <poof>  magically eradicated by recognizing shame triggers, reaching out, speaking shame and dousing it with critical awareness and, above all, empathy. 

I'm a social worker and a mother. I know that 'talking it out' will cure most of what ails ya. Of course, we need to make sure that at the other end of telling our story, is an ear that will understand. When speaking shame, we all need someone who can get past their own sense of shame (and consequent blame and judgement) and just simply give us: "I know what you mean. Me too."

I wrote the blog post about weight in large part to speak about how I was feeling. In retrospect, it really was giving voice to my own shame about my body image and weight. It was a chance to share with others and hopefully lessen both my own shame (which it did!) and the shame that others may be feeling when struggling with their own weight. 

 To that end, expect to see more blog posts about shame. Shame and abortion has been another huge area of thought for me lately. Also shame and mothering. Well, really, shame and almost everything! I have a whole new understanding of this word-shame- and I feel a sense power to speak out and about shame as a way of shrinking the nasty-fed-after-midnight-gremlin-of-shame. We do not need to feel isolated; we can speak out and see that for most of our "Very Bad Thoughts", most people would respond with: "I know. Me, too!"

Warmly and with a big smile!

Heather.

One more time...

Many of my FB friends and anyone who has read more than the intro page of my website will know that I lost 100 lbs over 3 years. (Yay me!) I did it with a lot of hard work and the support of Weight Watchers. They are a great group for on-going support for healthy living. I had a lot of cheering friends and family as well, but mostly I had my own inner determination. Weight loss was a mountain I was going to climb! And I did. At my peak fitness I ran a 10k race in 63 minutes.

Well, like 97% (!!) of people who lose weight I gained some of mine back. It's been 2 years since I made my weight loss goal and I have gained back 30lbs. :-(

I like to think that I know one or two things and so I should be able to keep my weight off. I know that I dealt with the underlying issues for why I protected myself behind excess fat. I know that my intensive years of spiritual work let me shed old skins and move in to new ways of being. I know that I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. So how on earth did I slip right back into old patterns?!

I have lots of excuses. When I have listed my reasons in confession to confidants I hear that they are good reasons (ya gotta love the people who love you!). And they are good-enough excuses: DIY renovations, a sick family member, an intense University course etc. But the real reason is a layer or two deeper than that.

It's about the gravity of habit (As I learned from Ellie Hernon). For all the changes we can go through, we still have a comfortable baseline that we fall back on. We rely on the comfort of the place that is familiar. We do work on the Self and there is an elevation. From this place, we understand a bigger picture and we cultivate and create energy to move into another place. However, there is always the other pull. The weight of gravity that pulls us to the earth and to our comfortable habit and way of being.

For me, it's about accepting food in social gatherings big and small because I am enjoying the love. Its about confusing self-indulgence with self-care as I get a quiet moment to myself. It's about missing work-outs and long runs because I am a Very Very Busy Person and I don't have time for those. It's a place I lived for a lot of years and it's a familiar repetitive pattern: the worse I feel, the more I eat. The more I eat, the less I move. The less I move, the worse I feel. It feels like the Rock of Gibraltar. It's not pleasant over the long term, but it is a place I know well.

Deeper than that, it's about falling into a pattern of putting other peoples' needs ahead of my own. (Ouch, that hurts!) It's true. I am a middle child/ mother/ helping professional and my default is to help others before taking care of myself. In fact, in the moment, I can even feel a little noble about sacrificing my own needs. I will also do it with one area of my life over another. I will choose to focus so greatly on renovations or volunteer work or something else that I will neglect my own personal needs. The sacrifice becomes the excuse for the treat or the missed work out. As I write this now, that sounds weird and wrong to me, but I know it's part of my Rock that when left unchecked, I will just keep rolling up the hill.

You know what though? It doesn't work. I felt like crap. Over the last 6 months in particular, my mental state went from feeling my life was a fantastic gift full of joy and love to feeling like I couldn't handle things. And the more I felt like things were hard, the more I turned to the familiar comfort of sacrificing, eating and sitting.

I am happy to say that I this is recently past tense. After a particularly crazy summer and fall (and who am I kidding- winter, too) I am on the upswing. I am back to working out, running and yoga. I can feel the difference. I sleep better. I eat better. I enjoy my family more. I am happier!

Sure there is still the reality that when I was losing weight, it was like a part-time job. I spent a fair amount time dealing with my food and working out. I don't want to have a life where I have to spend that much time and be that focused, but I do want to do it better.

Instead of climbing Weight Loss Mountain (and apparently rolling down it again!), I want to make a new comfortable home on the mountain. I want to find the place that isn't at the pinnacle of fitness or the apex of professional achievement or even (gasp) the peak of spiritual enlightenment. I want to live on that part of the mountain that offers an integration of all these things- spirit, body and mind. I want to live in all of these aspects of my life everyday.

Here is what I think the secret to this particular spot on the mountain might be; the simplest lesson of them all: take care of your self.

Eat properly. Drink water. Get enough rest. Move your body. Have quiet time alone in your head. Have time with loved ones. Let your own needs be met. Allow yourself to care and nurture your Self- everyday.

It seems too easy to be true, doesn't it? It even feels a little disappointing to think that's it. Well, I think its one of those life truths that is easy to espouse, but remarkably difficult to achieve:

Put the rock down and walk away.

Dare to meet your needs.

Whoa!

Thanks for reading.

Heather.

Paths of Life

I love the name of my "business": Point on the Path. I love it because it says that we meet only in this moment, but that we both come from a past and go into a future. Right off the bat, there is context to the relationship and that's refreshing. Ahhh....

I wanted to post some pictures that my dear ol' Dad sent to me this week. Look at all the different ways to imagine our path! Take a moment to reflect: do any of these images seem like your life path right now? Which one? What is it about the picture that feels like your life?

I love the visual and these images certainly appeal to that! I don't have any big words of wisdom today, just pictures. And you know what they say.... a picture is worth a thousand words.

In love,
Heather.